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Is there any light...

(2 Posts)
chickenoriental Mon 17-Mar-14 15:03:30

I've posted a few times but am increasingly apprehensive in doing so given recent threads and am terrified in being ' outed'.

Anyway, here goes. My DH has a dc from his former marriage. Dc lives with us and sees Mum eow. It's a long and involved story ( aren't they all?!) however there is on going legal action between hd and ex.

DH and I have 2 dcs. Dsc and dcs get in brilliantly, they are lovely together.

Dsc is for the most part a good child. Very affectionate and sweet. Touching in recent threads I don't feel the same towards her as I do my dcs, however do love her and do my utmost to look after her sling with dp while being a big sister and not attempting to replace Mum.

I find that when dsc is at mums I do relax more and enjoy time with my dcs and DH, think this is because ex openly manipulates her dc and several versions of ' events' have been stated in solicitors letters. It makes me feel massively uncomfortable. I feel that dc is better off living where she does but cannot cope with the constant threats accusations and legal matters hanging over us. Every week it's something else. The order in place is still very new and while ex is not in agreement with it ( as is her right ) she has made it clear that she will 'do whatever it takes' to get the order she sees fit. The tension is unbearable at not healthy for any of us, especially dcs. It's so sad as dsc is obviously conflicted although we shield her from matters this end.

Just looking for hope that this becomes easier to deal with as in convinced even if the courts become a no go for ex she will continue with her vile behaviour . Just feel tense all the time and hd is at his wits end trying to do the right thing and keep us all happy.

Responses welcome, although ridiculous levels of dissection of the post and sweeping statements not welcome!

FrogbyAnotherName Mon 17-Mar-14 15:43:11

Hi chicken!

Like you, my DD and I have been bystanders for the last three years while DH and his ex battle through the courts regarding their DCs. Unlike you, I currently have no contact with DHs DCs, having been cited as the reason they haven't wanted contact over the last 6 months (except when they say they do). But, I'm sure contact will resume at some point.

I well remember the feeling of being under constant scrutiny - worrying that what I say or do will appear in a court document or CAFCASS report or just be the subject of a diatribe on the phone or by email.

A wise former MNer told me that I shouldn't live my life worrying about someone else's issues. Hard though it was, I can now accept whatever happens without worrying about it. I couldn't anticipate every scenario anyway - DHs DD has turned up here with police under arrest, and another time we had to call the paramedics cos she'd stopped breathing while drunk. Out of the blue, DHs ex decided to try and remove his PR last year (hence the current court case), and each court hearing brings another unexpected statement or accusation.

My only non-negotiable is the impact on my DD. I discussed the issue with her Dad and we've agreed boundaries together relating to her contact with DHs DCs etc - my DH knows what they are and he decides whether he considers those during the his court hearings.

I've accepted that it won't get better; his ex will always be a nightmare, even after the DCs have grown up and left home - this is the negative to balance the positives of my relationship with DH.

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