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How do I deal with a new baby and no doubt dss asking questions

(44 Posts)
K8eee Sun 16-Mar-14 19:46:11

I'm 39 weeks pg with my first baby, and I'm getting a bit stressed and wound up with the following;

i'm hoping to bf and I've been advised that I need to do it for a few weeks in order to establish a good flow of milk supply for the baby. The way the timings all fall it looks like we will have to have dss over easter but baby will literally be no more than 2 weeks old. how the hell am I meant to bf a baby with dss about? I don't think I'll feel comfortable lobbing my boob out, with a swollen flabby belly and stretch marks galore with him about the house; I don't want all the questions being asked and him to see me in that state. aibu?

Theydeserve Thu 20-Mar-14 20:26:45

His priority is looking after both his kids, he can support you and have his DS around.

For once my EX got that bit right.

It is not too much to ask, but your circumstances are not the normal for the whole of your family. Do not exclude your DS - mine have gone from hating the idea of a new sib to adoring him because they saw him when he was brand new - it mattered big time to them. As to boobs - they both said yuk never wanted to see them after one look! This was 2 weeks ago

It is a new way of life for everyone.

pootlebug Fri 21-Mar-14 10:50:13

I'm afraid I agree with the previous poster - his priority should be his children. that's not to say that you aren't important too, but you're an adult. his son did not make the decision to have a sibling, and doesn't have grown up powers of reasoning for dealing with it. changing his visit dates may well make him feel pushed out and if that is his first impression of what happens when a new sibling comes along it could take a long while for his relationship with you all to recover

Boomeranggirl Fri 21-Mar-14 14:55:02


Just wanted to say I know exactly how you feel and I don't think it's unreasonable for you to ask for a little space. BF is a a new thing both you and baby will have to learn and being stressed out will not help at all and could interfere with that process. I think asking for a babymoon whilst you bond with your baby is not asking too much. All Kids are important but so are you as well, don't let yourself be put on the back burner or you could end up with resentment as well. Also you will be very hormonal and maybe prone to being upset, surely it's not worth risking a good relationship with SS by maybe getting stressed out and upset.

I think it's unreasonable for your DP to expect you to babysit SS whilst he goes off to work when you've just had a baby.

Good luck.

sanityseeker75 Fri 21-Mar-14 15:26:27

I agree with those that have said that DSS should be able to come still but on the condition that you are not left to baby sit.

You can take new baby to room then and BF in peace and have a rest when you can get it.

I would make it crystal clear that this is your expectation and that your DH will not be leaving you to cope with new baby and DSS or if he can not tkae the time off work then unfortunately he will have to find alternative childcare arrangements for DSS whilst he is at work.

I do feel that it is BU for you to expect him not to have his son but i feel even stronger that he would be an absolute dick to expect YOU to have him whilst you are adapting to the new baby!

Morien Fri 21-Mar-14 15:46:05

K8eee, I know where you're coming from, and I don't think you're asking too much.

My DD is almost 4 weeks, and I have 3 DSC (9, 5, nearly 4) who spend every other week with us. This is most definitely their home as much as their mum's is...but I asked DH to arrange with their mum for them to stay with her for the first couple of days we were out of hospital, just to give me a chance to find my feet (in the end it wasn't necessary as it was a week they were at their mum's anyway). Most of the time DH & his ex stick rigidly to their custody arrangements, but changes of a couple of days here and there are sometimes made, and for much less reason than a new baby.

That said, we made sure that my DSC were the first visitors to the hospital, the only people we allowed to come on the day DD was born (DH went to get them from their mum's). Is there something like this you could do to show your DSS he is special? (Easier for us as we don't have the distances you do).

The first week my DSC were here after DD's birth it was half-term, and there again, they only slept here, spending the days at their mum's - we'd never usually do that, but DH runs his own business & couldn't promise to be around all week, and I felt I was well within my rights to refuse to look after a newborn plus 3 under-10s.

In all cases, though, I really had to explain, explain and explain again to DH; he just seemed to think that we'd sail through the whole thing, and he was also afraid I was turning against his DCs now that I was about to have my own.

I should point out that for me none of this would be necessary if we had any help with my DSC, but despite my ILs and all DH's close friends (inc DSC's godparents, etc) living locally, we don't. If we could have counted on people to take a child or two for a Saturday afternoon, feed them, take them to tennis lessons, etc etc, the plan would have been for them to stay with us.

All is now back to normal, and although I'm not looking forward to the Easter hols, there's no way I'd ask for the DSC not to come, as circumstances don't justify it any more.

Good luck!

Petal02 Fri 21-Mar-14 16:48:38

OP, I don't think it would do any harm to postpone DSS's visit, on this one occasion. DSS has got years ahead of him to bond with the baby, does it really matter if you have the first week without him?

jvc1980 Fri 21-Mar-14 17:16:04

I have a 7yr old DS, an 8yr old DSS and a 6month old DD. SS also lives a 4hr drive away, and I told DH that we'd have SS over at the start of the hols and then again once DD came along. Reason being SS won't stay with anyone else (despite him having GPs and an aunty near us) and DH's ex could get funny about that. NB I had suggested that if he does come over during due date time, he goes with my DS to my parents, but that didn't go down well!
So, SS came over at the start of the summer hols, and then after DD was born.
For anyone who came to visit (adults obv), I told them they were welcome to, as long as they didn't expect me to run around after them. Most people were fine with that. I reckon let your DH know that he'll be needed to help out with your SS, and tell any visitors that they can help out too. (otherwise they can always stay at a hotel and then come see you for a bit during the day!) xx

K8eee Fri 21-Mar-14 19:47:37

It's really difficult as both dh and I work seasonally and are self employed. He went to work for the first day today, but we have a couple.of staff if we need them. This probably sounds a bit odd, but if it were a case of dh having to go back to work after baby has been born and I had to get on with it on my own I know I would, but the thought of visitors is stressing me out already.

With regards to the in laws i'm definitely going to make sure dh tells them they will need to fend for themselves and not to expect me to be entertaining them. The other thing that's bothering me a bit is that FIL partner is one of those who not so subtly would check to see what I have and haven't cleand/done and judge me on it. I know by that point once baby is here I won't give a toss but they're not the sort to offer to put the hoover around or do the washing up. my parents are the opposite and I know they'd stay as long as they could to help out. I don't think I could get two different ends of the spectrum!

regarding dss, dh knows I'm. concerned but as a pp has mentioned, their partner also thought they would be able to manage. I would feel bad for him and dh to put their visit off, and can see dss may be put out that because a ba y has come a long he has to change his plans, but I think some of you are right saying dh needs to be around.

tbh this is going to sound awful, but I sort of hope this baby is late so as I have an excuse to have a bit of alone time before the next kids holiday blush

jvc1980 Fri 21-Mar-14 20:39:44

It's not awful at all! I'm assuming this is your first baby? I bet you're already on a roller coaster of emotions with that. It's completely new territory and there's no Lonely Planet guide for it!! Of course you want to have the time to find your feet without having to worry about ILs.

When my DS was born, I was kind of shell shocked (I think most new parents are) and in a bit of a daze, before then finding my feet and getting to grips with things. I was lucky enough to have lovely rels/family/friends who were very kind and helpful (ex had walked when I was pregnant, so I was on my own). When I had DD, I was juggling a hubby who was injured due to a big RTA the month before the birth (I drove us to hospital!), looking after my DS and worrying about how DSS was going to feel. Despite being an "old hand" at the parenting lark, I defo needed some alone time!

RE: feeding in front of people (inc DSS)...I used a shawl/muslin initially but was very open with DS and DSS about what I was doing and why. They were really good about it, although DSS was a bit freaked. I just told him that BFing was one way to feed a baby. He thought that babies were only fed by bottles!

RE: DSS...I just involve him as much as possible. The boys (my DS and DSS) are very good though. I've had to tell them that it's NOT that I don't want to hang out with them, it's simply that I can't so much as there's a tiny baby who is incapable of doing much and needs a lot of my time....and they were babies too once! Dunno if I'm making sense there. The boys have little things they do to help: pass a nappy/nappy bucket (I use cloth nappies), fetch/carry stuff, guard the baby (while I go to the toilet), try and make her laugh etc...and it's great. I did make a big fuss about how important they are, as they're now big brothers etc etc, and they're cool with that.

RE: entertaining people/visitors. Sod that!! I'd be absolutely clear with them beforehand, that whilst you'd love to see them, you're not some Butlins Red Coat, nor are you about to cook a 5 course meal or slave over getting the home into a candidate for designer house magazine. They're welcome to come and see you/DH/DSS/baby...and...
-bring a dish/takeout (so you don't have to cook!)
-run a hoover around.
-pick up some bits from the shop
-do a load of washing up.
-watch/hold/soothe the baby while YOU (yes you!) get your head down and nap for a couple of hours, or have a shower...or both.
-do something cool with DSS.
If they're not cool with that, then they can stay at a hotel. And yeah, defo make sure DH is going to be home with you, if DSS and ILs are going to be over xxx

stepmooster Fri 21-Mar-14 21:33:38

If your DSS is anything like my DSS (who was 10) he'll run out of the room the moment you unclip your nursing bra. I don't know who was more embarrassed me or him. After having my nether regions poked around by several medical types, stitches, catheter and once home extreme sleep deprivation I suddenly didn't care if DSS saw my boobs.

Fast forward to my dc2 both of us are comfortable with me bf and expressing. The way dh and I see it is that at least he got to see what boobs are meant for before puberty kicks in.

Seriously though its very hard to establish bf, I wish you luck with it all.

purpleroses Fri 21-Mar-14 22:30:13

Could you invite your own parents to stay so that there no room for the in-laws to come too?

K8eee Fri 21-Mar-14 22:40:44

purple roses that is actually a really good idea, the only thing is that the in laws are meant to be bringing dss with them at easter confused hence why another reason I am hoping baby is late. its a little up in the air as to when who is coming, but I could do without the in laws. what's hacked me off even more is FIL partner has said to dh 'you get her to work tomorrow! Then that baby will be out sunday' I swear she thinks all I do is sit on my arse!!!!! angry

purpleroses Sat 22-Mar-14 07:19:12

Fingers crossed for a late baby then. First babies are most often late so you might be in luck.

I think it is just really difficult making plans around a baby being born unless your family are all super flexible with no other commitments in their lives - and local. Because there's actually a window of about 5 weeks when the baby is quite likely to arrive. That's hard to make plans around. My ex's DW went overdue by 2 weeks so I had the full 5 weeks or so knowing my ex might or might not have the DCs are planned. I understood that they needed that at least for when she was in hospital but it is difficult not being able to plan anything, and all for a baby that to be fair I was less than excited about.

Hope you manage to get the in-laws to be some use in looking after DSS rather than feeling they're coming for a holiday.

kinkytoes Mon 24-Mar-14 23:05:19

I totally get where you're coming from but you might be worrying about nothing. I never expected to feel the way I did about bf and to be honest in the end I didn't care who was in the room, even did it with fil in the room (think he was more embarrassed!)

If you're still worried then take yourself and baby off to bed for as long as you want. You getting your feeding established is more important than anything else in my opinion.

Re dss questions, get some leaflets from your midwife or local bf support organisation. Or just answer the questions. There's not much he could really ask is there?

Oh, and get yourself a tube of lansinoh nipple cream. It will be your best friend after a few days of constant feeding!

Take care! I'm guessing your due date is around about now?

K8eee Mon 24-Mar-14 23:07:54

due date was yesterday sad 23rd. any minute now basically!

dh has spoken to his dad and mentioned I want a bit of time to get the hang of things, not sure if he fully understands. I'm hoping we'll have a bit of quiet time before everyone descends on us but I feel a lot better about being able to tell people how I feel about them visiting.

adagio Mon 24-Mar-14 23:30:19

K8eee, Good Luck! I am just a mum, not a step mum.

I just wanted to echo kinkytoes in that actually, once your beautiful baby is here you may find you don't give a flying fig about your boobs/who sees, as you become really focussed on the baby and meeting their needs. I was cringing at the thought of BF, until I met my DD.

Lots of time in bed with baby skin to skin (well, I suggest a nappy for the baby!) to help get BF established (and an excuse to hide). Stock your bedside drawer with trail bars/flapjacks now, and a multipack of evian under the bed - Oats are good for milk production and if you have supplies set up ready then worst case scenario, you don't have to brave going downstairs ;)

Then when you have to be sociable strappy top pulled down and other top pulled up to limit the exposure. Bravado Bodysilk or equiv comfy nursing bra; and vast selection of baby blankets and muslins to hand to hide behind if you want to.

Take care flowers

K8eee Fri 28-Mar-14 16:18:59

adagio thank you so much, that means a lot and a really nice response. I'm still waiting for lo to arrive, and dh still has it set in his head I'll be ok for dss to visit. I should be as long as he is about to look after him. its difficult as I am stressing about it but he is aware that I am worried. men just don't get it angry

kinkytoes Tue 01-Apr-14 21:52:41

Just wondering how you're getting on OP, has baby arrived yet?

alita7 Wed 02-Apr-14 09:29:07

did you say you had 2 living rooms? make one a you only room for when you're breastfeeding during the time. get dh to explain to dss that you're breastfeeding (I'm sure he knows what that is) and that you want some privacy but that gradually baby will feed less often and you will spend more time with him then.

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