Totally out of my depth, help!

[katiem86]

Hi there,

I'm in my late 20s and don't have kids, my partner is in his late 30s and has 3 kids, a 16 (nearly 17) yo girl, a 14 yo girl and a 13 yo boy. Until the weekend they all were living with him full time, the 14 yo girl moved out at the weekend. His ex has some mental health issues and an eating disorder as well as being a recovering alcoholic. She also hates my partner. But that's how these things go right!?

At the weekend the youngest daughter moved out to live with her mum quite unexpectedly. His ex has been telling the kids I'm moving in (which I'm not for the foreseeable future) and I don't quite know what to do. My almost step kids (that's what we call each other! I'm there almost stepmum) who are still living with my partner are in pieces. My partner is in pieces and I'm 100 miles away (long distance relationship) and I feel like I'm treading water faster than possible. I love all of the kids as if they were my own, I love my partner and I'm so scared that I'm screwing up! I'm so scared that I'm doing all of this wrong. I try to treat them ll the same, I put effort in with them and I actively try to share experiences nd interests with them.

Am I doing this wrong??

[brdgrl]

Sorry, not sure what you are asking, exactly...did the youngest daughter move out because of what her mum was saying?

Based on what you say here, my advice is to just take things slowly. You aren't living with them yet, and if you have no immediate plans to do so, make sure the kids know this, and just give it all time to develop.
And for your own sake - give this plenty of time. Going from a long-distance relationship to a closer one is a tricky thing anyway; teenage/preeteen kids, an angry and ailing ex, an upset dad - there is so much here that will present obstacles for you. Take that seriously...

You will probably hear from others here about this sentence - "I love all of the kids as if they were my own" - I think most people will question this; feeling that way about kids you haven't raised and don't live with is certainly unusual, maybe impossible, and it isn't, perhaps, what you should be aspiring to. It is good that you care about and like the kids - but the fact that you are relatively young, have no children of your own, and don't live with the kids means that you almost certainly don't know what you are getting yourself into. (I don't mean that as any sort of criticism, more a caution - down the road, you will probably hear a lot about "you knew what you were getting into" but the truth is, no one does, no one can!) x

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

That sounds like a lot of pressure you're putting on yourself for someone so young.

If you're not living together your DP needs to tell his children that, so that they have all the correct information and are not making life changing decisions based on untruths from their mum.

As far as the rest of it goes, it's great that you are so fond of his kids but you need to step back, be a friend to them and allow your DP to do the parenting. He can assess the situation and make sure you are as involved as you all want to be with each other.

I can imagine that, especially for a 17 yo, it could be quite hard seeing their dad with someone much younger who they feel is trying to take on a parental role. I'm older than my DP and have my own children but I still don't really take on a parental role with his DCs, I'm more of an aunty figure, a trusted adult who leaves the parenting to their dad.

If we lived together then yes, I would expect to treat them as I would my own DCs (although I don't think I could ever love anyone else's DCs as I do my own) but being a long distance relationship, you don't need to take on the stress of step parenting.