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Aggression with kids?

(30 Posts)
notthegirlnextdoor Sun 09-Mar-14 15:43:08

Any of you had any issues with it?

DSS11, I have DD 5&3. DSS bigger than average 11YO, 5YO was prem so isn't much bigger than 3YO.

Don't want to go into much detail, but we've had some horrid incidents just recently with DSS attacking the younger ones when we are out of the room. I'm talking, kicked 5YO in the throat, bent her fingers back, smacked 3YO round the back of the head.

The last month I haven't wanted to leave them alone together in a room because the girls always come running out crying and somehow DSS manages to convince DH that the girls "deserved it."

I know they can be a handful, loud, etc, but the latest things to me, have been done on purpose, designed to hurt. DH sticking head in the sand.

The last incident (bending fingers back - I'd been out of the room for 30 seconds when it happened, snarling at the girls) caused a huge row between DH and I due to his point blank refusal to discipline his child.

We have all 3 of them next weekend and I feel really nervous about it.

dyslexicdespot Sun 09-Mar-14 15:46:20

How horrible for you. I'm sure someone will offer good advice soon. I just wanted to say what I am sure you already know, you can't ever leave your children alone with this boy again.

notthegirlnextdoor Sun 09-Mar-14 15:56:58

He's usually such a lovely kid. I'm wondering if something is going on that we don't know about which is causing the outbursts.

lookingfoxy Sun 09-Mar-14 16:31:07

Sorry but I wouldn't allow him over while he is behaving like this.
As for your husband, I just dont have the words just now, lets just say he wouldn't be there either.

notthegirlnextdoor Sun 09-Mar-14 17:28:33

Its been incredibly difficult for me. I have wondered if I have been over reacting to it or not, but I suppose I haven't been. I feel very stuck. I have said that if it happens again we will have DSS on the weekends my DDs are at their Dads.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 09-Mar-14 18:17:39

Ban him on weekends that your dd's will be there. He's showing power over them, plain and simple. Don't know if he's seeing or experiencing it at home so I'd advise gently asking him.
It can and probably will escalate sad

No one deserves to be hit angry

anothernumberone Sun 09-Mar-14 18:20:42

Tbh I would treat your own 2 like toddlers for the moment and not let them out of your sight for a second, they cannot endure that how awful. Keep on at your DH ultimately it is him who HAS to deal with his son's behaviour.

lunar1 Sun 09-Mar-14 18:24:13

Completely agree with alternating the weekends until you get to the bottom of this.

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 18:56:54

I have said that if it happens again we will have DSS on the weekends my DDs are at their Dads.

Don't wait for the next time. Do it now. Talk to your DDs dad, tell him you want his help to protect your DDs, and change your schedule with him so that your DDs are safe with their Dad when your DSS is in your home. If you 'allow' it to happen again, and your DDs disclose to their Dad or at school, your DSS could be facing a police officer and/or social worker asking about his behaviour.

And then ask what your DH plans to do about his violent DS. Make it clear you won't tolerate your DDs being assaulted. Your primary role is to keep your DDs safe - there may well be things going on in your DSS life, but it is the job of his parents to deal with that.

if your DH refuses to parent his DS, then you face the stark choice of your DDs or your DH.

notthegirlnextdoor Sun 09-Mar-14 19:46:26

I know his Mum has 2 younger boys and has complained to DH about his behaviour towards to them too sad DH and DSS suffered a major trauma 3 years ago. DH lost his other son to SIDS at 4 weeks old so DH is (understandably, maybe?) Very lenient and very touchy if I so much as mention DSS being out of line.

DH adores my girls and DSS is 90% of the time a very lovely sensitive boy. Its very out of character but has been steadily increasing since the start of the year.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 09-Mar-14 19:48:45

Totally agree with frog

I'm desperately trying not to project onto your thread but if I'd come down harder and/or paid more attention to the tip tapping teasing slapping and pinching and not just dealt with each incident, my own situation with ss and ds may not have happened.

Obviously kids can be rough with each other and sometimes bully or exert power over littler kids but I don't believe its normal or something to be tolerated or ignored.

What else is he capable of that's what you need to ask.
And if it is allowed to become commonplace an your dd's think being hurt is normal, what will he turn his hand to next.. Battering them? Worse?

Thank god you've caught it now x

notthegirlnextdoor Sun 09-Mar-14 19:53:41

Thats my concern too sad

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 20:58:46

very touchy if I so much as mention DSS being out of line

Rather than highlight DSS behaviour as "out of line", you could try initiating the discussion from your DDs pov. This is just to get him engaged in conversation - I'm not suggesting for one moment that your DDs are responsible, but if your DH accepts his DS blaming them, then he's less likely to shut down if you appear to accept his DSs pov.

Explain that your DDs are struggling with their DSB growing up, and they need some space from him until they learn not to wind him up, and that is why you would prefer to keep the DCs separate. You can then suggest some form of play therapy for them, to find out whether they can be expected/helped to interact with him differently.

If, as you say, your DH is committed to your DDs, he will see the absurdity of this and realise that his DS is responsible. But if he doesn't, and he expects your DDs to change their behaviour to prevent his DS from lashing out at them, then he's not the kind of stepdad they need.

notthegirlnextdoor Sun 09-Mar-14 21:21:47

I totally agree, and 100% would/will choose my DDs over anyone, husband or not.

The situation is bad, that's a fact. I don't/won't tolerate aggression in any form (I'm the eldest of 5 girls, 2, 5 and 10 years between me and my 4 sisters - the youngest are now 17 year old twins - they're a delight, but I digress grin ) and whilst I did, on very rare occasions, lash out, I was always severely punished, and rightly so, and so were my sisters if they lashed out at me/each other. So whilst I accept that it is, on very rare occasions, part of family life, it is not acceptable for it to be brushed under the rug the way it has.

After the last time it happened (I had been out of the room 30 seconds when he bent DDs fingers back, so no way had she done anything to cause him to lash out) I stayed in the kitchen with my DDs until DH arrived home (he'd been at a job interview) , told him what had happened and I left with the DDs. I was far too angry to deal with it myself. DH finds it all upsetting because he can't understand why DSS is acting out, or how to punish, or what we can even do to stop him.

Just looking for a bit of guidance/experience from others before this gets out of hand.

mymiraclebubba Sun 09-Mar-14 21:36:24

I would suggest you are in the right area with there being something going on with him.

Perhaps if you normally have a good relationship with him you could suggest the two of you go out somewhere and do something together and use it as anoopportunity to ask him what is going on. Don't focus on his attacks but maybe more along the lines of you have noticed he is angry/upset when he comes over and you wondered if you had upset him without realising and that if that was the case you would love him to tell you about it so you could make it right. That way he won't feel under attack and may open up

If there are issues at his dms though perhaps Dm and df need to talk to school about his behaviour there and see if they can she's any light?

anothernumberone Sun 09-Mar-14 21:40:41

Maybe you can approach it from his son's pov. What is making him so out if sorts that he is behaving out of character. I would be really worried if it is not addressed it will escalate.

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 23:05:29

What is making him so out if sorts that he is behaving out of character

That is not the OPs concern. If her DH won't acknowledge the problem, then regardless of how understanding or empathetic the OP is, nothing will change.

mymiraclebubba Sun 09-Mar-14 23:10:28

Why is "it's not your concern" always trotted out on here?!

She lives with the boys father, it is impacting in her own children so yes it bloody is her concern!!!

Kaluki Sun 09-Mar-14 23:15:38

The only problem with changing weekends us that it isn't solving the problem,in fact if the issue is that DSS wants the girls out of his way then that is actually rewarding him and he will think it is ok to be violent to get what you want.
Protect your DDs and refuse to let DSS be alone with them until he has been disciplined. If this means your DH doesn't leave him in your care then so be it but your DDs really don't deserve this.

bumbumsmummy Sun 09-Mar-14 23:18:01

That sounds terrible I'd be more concerned however where you dss learnt the it's ok to hit women because they deserve it !

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 23:31:39

She lives with the boys father, it is impacting in her own children so yes it bloody is her concern!!!

She has absolutely no influence over her DSSs care and parenting.
She can lay awake at night, worried about why her DSS is behaving the way he is, but if his parents don't waste a seconds thought about it, then the OP is the only one who cares.

Stepparents have a sphere of influence that does not include their stepDCs - the OP can protect her girls, she can set her own boundaries with her DH, but she can't influence how her DSC are parented.

anothernumberone Sun 09-Mar-14 23:32:33

What is making him so out if sorts that he is behaving out of character

That is not the OPs concern. If her DH won't acknowledge the problem, then regardless of how understanding or empathetic the OP is, nothing will change

I do agree Frog I don't think I was clear I am suggesting she raise it with her husband by looking at the boy's pov. I agree that it is up to his father to recognise and deal with the behaviour. This is for his son as much as the girls, if this escalates he could be in real trouble, heck he is in real trouble he is making it impossible for his family situation.

FrogbyAnotherName Sun 09-Mar-14 23:39:56

The only problem with changing weekends us that it isn't solving the problem,in fact if the issue is that DSS wants the girls out of his way then that is actually rewarding him and he will think it is ok to be violent to get what you want.

Similarly, I don't think this should be a consideration for the OP - her parenting decisions to keep her girls safe may be detrimental to the values she thinks her DSS should be taught, but if his parents aren't teaching him those values, then there's nothing she can do.

anothernumberone Sun 09-Mar-14 23:42:44

I agree that switching weekends may be part of the solution. Do the girls live with you and his father OP. The whole thing might be based on his jealousy that your dds are getting to live with his dad. If so spending time with his dad without the girls might be just what he needs for the time being.

randomAXEofkindness Mon 10-Mar-14 00:54:08

The whole thing might be based on his jealousy that your dds are getting to live with his dad.

All children feel jealous sometimes, but not all children violently attack other children. His behavior is more likely to be a result of poor parenting. Attempting to remove any particular trigger of his anger, even if successful, won't solve the underlying behavioral problem, it will only resurface when another one of his buttons are pressed.

Op, If this were my dss, I certainly would not allow him in the house with my other children. But then I would also be worried about his other siblings. I would make it clear to my dh that he and his exw needed to take action or I would contact social services myself.

Your dh has made it clear that he will not protect your dd's. He is sending a strong message to dss that violence towards them is excusable. To me this is inexcusable. I would be having a very strong word about what level of shite I rated his parenting, and I would be holding him directly responsible for any sign of aggression shown after the very first one. I think you need to set the bar higher for your dd's. And I think that if you aren't willing to stand by them even if it comes to separation, he will sense it, and he'll just ignore you.

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