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How can I minimise the impact?

(11 Posts)
scarletpimpernelflower Thu 06-Mar-14 21:25:10

I left my husband for my partner. My ex is passive aggressive and this involves a number of bloody irritating behaviours - not contributing financially, constantly late to drop off or pick up our girl, not returning things I buy for her. I've tried just taking it all on the chin but he's started being vile now. Swearing at me etc.

My partner is hugely supportive but we seem to constantly be talking tactics and it's wearing us down. I've tried minimising contact but our girl is 4, I'm trying to divorce him and our house is nearly sold. I always seem to be having to ask him to sign something.

Anyone have any tips on how I can reduce the effect he has on my relationship? How did you manage them in the best interests of your children and your partner ?
Thanks S

lunar1 Thu 06-Mar-14 21:39:32

How long ago did you leave? Did you move straight in with the OM?

scarletpimpernelflower Thu 06-Mar-14 21:55:50

1 year ago. We don't live together but act like a step family. Will move in soon.

lunar1 Fri 07-Mar-14 10:30:17

Do you have someone else that can do hand overs? I don't think it will be easy to minimise the impact otherwise. Within a year your young dd has had to adjust to her parents separating and having a stepdad.

I think the more important question would be how can you minimise the impact in your dd rather than your relationship, she should be your priority. I really feel for her going through so much in such a short time.

If the OM really is the one then slow things right down. Sort out you divorce and your house, give your dd some stability and and an established routine with you and her dad and then see if this man can be part of yours and your dd's life.

worriedsister30 Fri 07-Mar-14 11:00:51

Lunar is right but assuming your set on how to minimise things for your dd as a priority, focussing on the relationship. What worked for us was having an ex free date once a week. We were not allowed to speak about the ex at all under any circumstance. It got a bit tricky because she quickly figured out which might date night was and made sure it was drama and crisis night too. But we stuck to it for the most part and what worked was that we remembered all the things we had to talk about beside her.

If there was an affair in imagine that the foundations of your relationship are partly built on a lot of chats about your exs short comings or PA behaviour.

Your mutual hatred for the ex might be common ground to bond over but try to keep it out of your relationship if you can.

purpleroses Fri 07-Mar-14 11:23:07

I think you'll find it gets much easier once you've got the house sold and the divorce finalised. Very little to sign after that.

If you get the handovers via school as much as possible that will reduce the scope for conflict too. And maybe have a moan to a girlfriend sometimes about your ex, to avoid taking it all out on your partner.

purpleroses Fri 07-Mar-14 11:25:52

Oh, and keep you new man entirely out of dealings with your ex as that will only inflame him.

Even if you talk things over with him first, make sure when you're speaking to your ex that you say "I think...." or "I can have DD on Thursday and drop her to you...." and never "we think...." or "we will have her on Thursday...."

If your ex is not contributing financially, find out via the CSA webpage how much he should be paying and ask him to set up a direct debit. If he refuses put in an application via the CSA. They'll take a cut so you'll both be worse off than if you set it up yourselves, but it will take the stress out of it and mean you get the money reliablly.

Snoozybird Fri 07-Mar-14 14:51:33

Agree with keeping your DP out of it, it can be a red rag to a bull at the best of times let alone when he was the OM.

scarletpimpernelflower Fri 07-Mar-14 21:47:26

Wow those replies were all so helpful. My dd has adjusted so well to the change and is so happy I sometimes forget the effect this is all probably going to have. It really makes me realise how important harmony in our house is.
I was thinking about getting someone else to do the handovers but was considering my partner. Will give that a miss now!
I went to counselling today which has given me lots more to think about.
Thanks again

worriedsister30 Fri 07-Mar-14 22:31:50

Yes, definitely not your partner. I think your son would find that a very tense situation.

School hangovers are good, but do try to have the occasional personal hand over when things are less tense. It will take time but if possible it's good for the kids to know you can and do actually speak.

Russianfudge Sat 08-Mar-14 07:13:19

Ha! School hangovers... We've all had a few of those sister30!

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