To remain happily married to a man, when after years of estrangement from one of his daughters, his other daughter has now joined in and incidents are being made up/accusations thrown, at me? Suddenly, the sd I got on well with "doesn't remember" certain things happening/being said. She is in FULL support of her sister. My own son was and is bewildered by their lack of contact as initially, a lot of fuss was made of him. They have ignored my ds for a long time (going into 3rd year) and we've tried hard to keep the lines of communication open but as expected, his 3 are now sticking together, changing their perception to be more in line with youngest sd who caused all the hurt and I am the scapegoat.
I was not OW. DH has supported me all along, knowing I did nothing untoward. I tried so so hard and was rebuffed over and over again. Ridiculed and ignored most of the time. DH has said many times that he is not proud of the way his have behaved and he has never tried to defend the indefensible. DH is a great stepdad to my ds who he's known since he was tiny. He's now 13. I miss my eldest sd and am so upset at the change in attitude. I just want to give up and have nothing (and I really do mean NOTHING) to do with these nasty young people. If I leave DH, he and I, will be devastated but I can see no future for me with him where I have to have his (now adult) kids in my life.
What on earth can I do? I've HAD it and just want to tell them go away and leave me be.
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Eliza22 · 04/03/2014 16:32
I'm sorry Eliza 
do you think it's something that is happening now, but that will get better and you can move on for a little while? I think we can all relate to the ups and devastating downs and when youre in that bubble it's horrendous.
But could it be that when it passes what you have left with dh will be worth it? Or is it the end?
Christ, I never thought of it like that. I don't know any other mums who are "steps" which is why I come on here. Essentially, his DD would be only too pleased to have dad making plans for just the two of them or, if she can manipulate it, for all 3. PLANS WHICH DO NOT HAVE TO INCLUDE ELIZA as Eliza has detached herself! The convenience of that really annoys me. Before all this, I used to suggest more 'dad and daughters/kids time'. After all, there's no earthy reason for me to be in tow each time they meet up/come over. However, being manoeuvred out of the equation, is quite a different circumstance. I was manipulated out of attending the eldest SD's graduation so that ex could go with DH and I guess, to all intents and purposes, they were the family and I didn't exist. When the photos came back, you'd have had no idea that they were estranged and not a couple. His ex had refused to go if HE went 
but then! a week before! changed her mind. No tickets left so ex obviously had mine and I stayed at home. Actually, I put on my new frock for the occasion and went out with a friend, but to say I felt shunned and unwanted after being so excited to see eldest DD graduate, would be an understatement.
I see a lifetime ahead of me being the spectre "at the back of the photo" as it were. It's feels dreadful.
Oh dear..... I appear to be wallowing in self pity here....someone, give me a slap!
I could never slap you Eliza!
It's so hard... Detach and you end up with too much of what you wish for, ie. being completely outcast! And as it's "your choice" they won't even feel guilty.
Or, don't detach, and end up in a world of pain trying to have some form of control or effect on a situation involving people who would rather you didn't exist and don't give a shit about you. How much does your DH know about how you feel? Can you do a detach but with ground rules?
Our relationship was falling apart at the time and I don't think he gave a second thought to how it was making me feel. I didn't have the confidence in him to be honest about my feelings. So we drifted and drifted. We had counselling in the end and recently got very happily married. It was hard to put that treatment behind me but I knew he was a good man. He was just conditioned by years and years of emotional abuse from his ex and dsd was using all the same tactics she'd seen mum use. That and the guilt about initiating the divorce that he had never dealt with meant he handled it all spectacularly badly.
Luckily for me, Mums new partner is vile and so he is now the scapegoat for all dsds vitriol. She "likes" me now and as such things are a lot easier even though the person she is often disgusts me and I have to put that to one side most of the time.
Anyway, the reason I'm going on about all if that is that I took, and take, a lot of comfort in the fact that Dh's eyes have been open to his less than perfect baby and he is willing to confront her bad behaviour now. He is also willing to put me first when it's needed. Is there some way you can focus on the support he gives you and that you have him onside even if he still loves his children? I kind of see it that he loves me and his dd, but he really likes me. I know it's not a competition but these men are with us because they choose to be, their love for their kids is not a choice. They are slaves to it.
If our relationship was stronger back then, or if it happened again now, I would detach but set ground rules that if he was going to spend time alone with her it would be in the calendar with enough notice for me to plan something else, it wouldn't be extravagant, and we would keep our little rituals like Wednesday date night and Friday after work pub 
I would also want a full account of what had happened. That will sound like complete madness to anyone that hadn't gone through this, but the worst thing was when he returned after an entire day and evening out of the house and when I asked how it had gone and what they had done if just get a shrug or an "it was good, thanks". I felt so shut out and insignificant.
at least yours has a happy ending in that after all the problems you got happily married. We went out for 4 years before we lived together and married a month later (I'm so old fashioned!) but even allowing for the "plenty of time to get used to the idea", youngest daughter could barely look at me for the first ten months. We weren't allowed to talk about the day or lead up to and for ten months after, no one was to tell ex. So, I started out as a "ghost" in a sense. I feel sad because I'd have loved DH to show me off and be proud of the fact that after being shat upon by his ex-wife, he'd found someone, married her and moved on. But it was all "hush hush" like a dirty little secret because he knew it would upset his ex-wife and therefore his kids (to see their mother upset).
I can't believe I've confided that. It is, sadly, true. And whilst he regrets it and maintains he had his reasons for it, I still feel like I'm something to be hidden away or, failing that "not invited" because I'm just too, too offensive.
Join me Icant in a glass of 
and a chocolate Frog.....only choc in the house oh the shame of stealing DS's favourite chocolate and say "f**k it!" for tonight!
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eliza I 'think' I know how you feel and you have my sympathy. It's a hard and thankless task. I've decided the reason behind the dsc attitudes is that they obviously would love their parents to be together but also they can't possibly blame their parents for any wrong doings so we take the shit basically cos it's easier.
Have another glass of and put all the crap to the back of your mind. You're worth a billion of them just for putting up with it.
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