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Pretty sure DP knows I am pissed off by access by proxy.....

(42 Posts)
entersandmum Sat 01-Mar-14 01:05:44

DP has for the 1st time in 2 yrs not gone to the gym on a Friday night. Dsd10 is here & has gone to bed at the agreed time of 10.30pm...

Why do I feel as though they are setting me up for something shitty?

DP was as usual really shouty at Dd4, again to over compensate with DSD10, ( who can do no wrong & only DD4 gets told off).

Must admit I am really starting to dislike a child....Lies, Blames, and quite frankly, ( know I sound like a cow), is rather entitled.

Wish I had enough to take DCs away as they notice the difference even if DP doesn't.

entersandmum Sat 01-Mar-14 01:10:08

My apologies. Access by proxy is DP & ExW still arranging access by my days off or work annual leave.

Maybe I might want to take my own kids out? G. Forbid I don't include yours?

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 01-Mar-14 01:23:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

entersandmum Sat 01-Mar-14 02:03:45

Dsd10 is close that visits are more than EOW..

Pisses me off as ExW has only just got a job yet still plan's her holidays around when I'm not working.

I am not a free babysitting service for anyone.

OldBagWantsNewBag Sat 01-Mar-14 02:15:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

russianfudge Sat 01-Mar-14 02:20:29

I remember your precious posts. Has DH taken heed and hence hasn't gone to the gym... Or do you think it's a ploy of some kind??

Could you be very praising like "DH it meant so much to me that you took my feelings in to account and didn't go to the gym tonight. It must have meant a lot to dsd too" cheesy grin, pat on head...

Bit smarmy but it'll make it hard for him to carry out any plan he may have to land the kids on you wink and if he's genuinely changing his ways, a bit of encouragement won't do any harm

russianfudge Sat 01-Mar-14 02:20:49

Hahahaha previous posts

entersandmum Sat 01-Mar-14 04:32:38

russianfudge Not going to the gym is a big deal for bodybuilding DP.

Yes, it P's me off that he goes when he has Dsd10.

I don't think he should for that one night a week esp. leaving me to babysit yet not agreeing to my mothering any other time.

It only suits him when Disney Dad, he even fell out with his own sister about it.

entersandmum Sat 01-Mar-14 04:42:11

oldbag as much as I have asked DP to not reveal my schedule, he has. I have noticed a pattern tying in with MY days off & holidays.....I have even started to lie about when off as ExW accounts my free time as hers.

Awful but I would actually like to spend that with my own kids!

chickenoriental Sat 01-Mar-14 07:26:47

Why oh why does he see for to reveal your holidays etc to ex w?!

You need to have it out with him along the lines of 'mutual trust and respect in a relationship'. His behaviour is appalling and seems to be causing the entire family problems because of the ripple effect.

If you can't trust him with something as simple as doing something you've specifically asked him not to you'd be within your rights to ask him what else you can't trust him with.

You could arrange for him to look after all of the children next time he's available?!wink

needaholidaynow Sat 01-Mar-14 07:52:52

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

russianfudge Sat 01-Mar-14 08:16:45

What happens if you tell him you have plans on your time off?

russianfudge Sat 01-Mar-14 08:18:29

A few of the body builders I know (may are single or remarried dads, go figure) go to the gym very very late at night or very very early in the morning. Most wouldn't go straight after work because it's so busy and they can't get the equipment they want. Could he change the time he goes so it doesn't impact you so much?

nkf Sat 01-Mar-14 08:20:33

You're his babysitter. Men do this so many times. My ex does it to his new wife. He arranges to be somewhere else and she has three children to look after. Can you avoid being so available? Make plans on your day off? Tell him that you will be busy.

Whereisegg Sat 01-Mar-14 09:09:58

I would just stop telling him when your days off are.

This doesn't solve the real issue, but in the short term will help with your resentment.

I do sympathise op.
We will have dss extra days when ee can if his dm is working, but I feel much less helpful since she was given 2 months notice of a day dp couldn't do and she assumed I would have dss.
I was working too and she actually suggested I ring in sick.
Erm, no.

Gettingmeback Sat 01-Mar-14 13:31:36

When DH and I got together, we never discussed issues and expectations around my role when he had access with his DD. Big mistake. Turns out, he assumed if I was home, he could leave her with me and do what he wanted. When I realised that this was what was happening, I discussed it with him and made it clear that I expected to be asked when he needed me to look after DSD, and that during access he needed to arrange his commitments around this so he only needed to rely on me minimally. I told him that DSD wasn't there to see me, she is there to spend time with him and if this means that he can't do some things during that week, bad luck!

russianfudge Sat 01-Mar-14 14:17:43

My ex does this to his wife. She actually seems completely fine with it. I think the woman must be a saint! Today they're having a "girls day" which dd loves, because ex has rota'd himself to work. She doesn't have kids of her own and is 38. I can think of a million more fun things she could be doing. But I suspect she is a nicer person than me confusedwink. I feel quite bad having a child free weekend while he works and she babysits for usblushblush

AnnieOats Sat 01-Mar-14 14:42:59

This sound incredibly annoying but it's only your DH that's in the wrong here unless you know for certain that he is telling his ex that you'll be the one looking after their DD.

It may be that he's telling her that he's the one doing the looking after. Are you in communication with her. She might not be happy that her DD isn't spending time with her dad.

I only mention this as I've got an ex that would lie about anything to make life easier for himself. The sort of thing he would do would be to lie to you and say it's the ex that arranging visits expecting you to babysit and then lie to the ex to say that he'd be looking after his DD and not you.

ImperialBlether Sat 01-Mar-14 20:12:42

Why would you do that, russianfudge? I couldn't have my ex's wife looking after my children if I was free. I wouldn't even think about it.

Whereisegg Sat 01-Mar-14 20:21:40

I don't think it's a bad thing if the step parent is willing.
I have and will continue to have dss if needed and I'm free to.

That's not to say the suggestion that I ring in sick doesn't rankle, but he is my ss.

russianfudge Sat 01-Mar-14 21:21:24

Erm, because we have a contact arrangement and it's up to her father what she does during his contact time

Petal02 Sun 02-Mar-14 08:53:43

If you ever read the Lone Parents board, some (but not all!) of the posters have an almost venomous insistence that their ex takes the child/ren of her hands for a specific amount of time each week, regardless of whether the man is working/ available or not - so you can see how these situations arise.

HowardTJMoon Sun 02-Mar-14 09:12:47

Why not, ImperialBlether? Do your children never spend any time work any aunts, uncles, grand-parents etc when you could be looking after them instead?

I think it's a good thing for children to spend time with other adults who like being with them. It gives them new opportunities and also gives you a chance to do some grown-up things. It's a real shame that russianfudge's ex can't be arsed but that's not his wife's fault.

I have genuinely fond memories of the kindness of my dad's second wife who tried really hard to make my brother and me feel welcome even when my dad preferred to spend our contact time in the pub.

Petal02 Sun 02-Mar-14 09:15:34

Maybe Imperialblether is sensible enough to see there's not much point sending the kids off to see their Dad if he's not there???

russianfudge Sun 02-Mar-14 09:31:57

Ah yes, I do see what you mean. But I am never told anyway so it would be a case of interrogating my dd or making a big deal of collecting her once I found out dad wasn't there which would upset her as she is quite happy with her sm. she seems to like the routine. They also live a way out so is be going to collect her at say, 10am then taking her back at say 3pm so she could have time with her dad. I'd feel like somewhat of a babysitter for him I think and would never be able to make any plans of my own.

I feel for sm, and I get annoyed at my ex because he sets his rota himself so could easily not work when during contact. Then there are the "boys weekends away" angry but, that's between him and his wife, if she feels put out or like his babysitter she needs to tell him or make plans so she's not available to sit.

I send dd to a childminder when she's in my contact time quite a lot, I wouldn't dream of her dad making me send her to him instead... Although it would be very nice as it would save a bit of money winkwink

I've done it myself when my DH worked away a lot. I'd end up having his dd because it was his contact time. I resented it a lot because as I say, I'm not as nice a person as my ex's wife! I never let dsd know. If my dd's sm made her feel unwanted I would 100% insist on having her myself. But like I say, I am never told of their plans or whether he will be there or not. I used to suck up having dsd when my DH was away because I saw it as a favour to him, not his ex. But if, like in OP's case, him and his ex were colluding to make sure I was available for babysitting and deciding how I would spend my holiday time the nah, that wouldn't be happening.

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