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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

dictated by DPs child?

30 replies

Snicci · 27/02/2014 23:32

Does anyone feel like me or been in a similar situation and dealt with it?!

We have had some problems which you will see in previous posts if you search.

In an argument (verge of splitting rand taking DD away from the atmosphere in the home arm), DP mentioned I cannot work weekend evenings when mat. Pay ends as his DD who doesn't live her doesn't want to come when he is looking after our DD (5 months) on his own.

I have her every single day of the week. I get up in the morning and put her to bed at night. She is absolutely no problem, we have been blessed with her sleeping from 5 weeks through the night.

There has been 3 nights at the most (2 helping previous employer) where I have been out on a weekend night until say, midnight.

I have been invited on a night out in a few weeks and want to go. But I am being made to feel guilty that his DD won't come over that weekend if he has to look after our DD. I feel like his DD has a say on what I can and can't do!

He had a cheek to suggest he went away for a football weekend with friends. He won't talk to me about it. Says to forget it, doesn't want to talk about it, should never have mentioned it and I am made to feel the bad one.

I don't feel that wanting to have a night with my friend once in a while is wrong? I do all the grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing. All the looking after of DD including looking after his over the holidays. He goes to the pubEVERY day for two pints, more on a Friday and sometimes Sat/Sun!! Surely I am not being unreasonable?

Am I being controlled? I'm finding life so difficult

OP posts:

Report

Snicci · 27/02/2014 23:33

Sorry about typos, on phone with autocorrect

OP posts:

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 28/02/2014 02:14

Yes you are

He's a cheeky cunt

And let him huff and puff about his footy weekend, it's his problem, not yours. If it wasn't bothering him, he wouldn't mention it. Big tit.

Has sd elaborated as to why she has a problem with coming on weekends when he is caring for dd? As I'm willing to bet its because he gets ranty as he can't cope with both.
Do a little digging

MrsCakesPremonition · 28/02/2014 02:18

He needs to sort this with his DD.

You should go ahead and make your plans.

TheXxed · 28/02/2014 02:42

Why are you directing your ire at a child? The problem is with your partner, don't you think these are things you should have discussed prior to having a child. Or was the fact that he was already a parent come as a surprise to you.

TheMumsRush · 28/02/2014 07:44

There's always one who rolls out the "didn't you know he had kids" line. It's not helpful. Op, I would just plan your night out. You are all a family. Dsd needs to learn that normal life goes on when she visits. Speak to dh and see if, like a previous poster has suggested, he feels he can't cope with both girls. Maybe he needs to look after the baby himself a few times so he won't feel thrown in the deep end when he has them both.

tribpot · 28/02/2014 08:05

Why isn't your DP doing more to look after his baby? Why does he feel able to "tell" you can't work?

I'd be finding out why the mother of his older dd split with him. Sounds like it was for the same reason - being lazy, entitled and spoilt.

pictish · 28/02/2014 08:10

He's a dictatorial prick, and your grief lies with him, not his dd. As her dad, it is up to him to make her accept that he has another child now, and she is a sister...and that he can't just pack his baby away in a box to please her. It is also up to him to ensure that he makes one on one time with his dd...and not at your expense either.

He is one cheeky bastard. Don't stand for it.

MyNameIsKenAdams · 28/02/2014 08:15

Your problem isnt the dd, its your dh.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow · 28/02/2014 08:50

Agree, it's not the kids fault - it's just that your dh is a cheeky bastard.

If he won't look after the baby for you to work what's the point in him being there. You may as well swop him for tax credits.

brdgrl · 28/02/2014 08:52

Your DH is being a dick.
His reality now is that he has a small child as well as an older DD. He lives with you and your shared DD, and has equal responsibility for parenting the baby. His DD's reality is that she now has a baby in the family, and it is up to your husband to help her accept and deal with the fact that new babies mean change and sharing. (Of course he should still strive for one-on-one time with both children - but just like every parent ever, other times he will have to have them both at once.)

He sounds like a jerk - sorry.

Ledkr · 28/02/2014 08:59

Think there's something telling about a married man and father who goes to the pub EVERY DAY!

croquet · 28/02/2014 09:01

Hi OP - this isn't normal I'm afraid. My DH actually prefers looking after his older children with the little one as it gives them all time to bond.

He doesn't sound like a natural dad. On the other hand, it's ok for him to want some time alone with his DD. Encourage him to say so respectfully if that's the case.

MsColour · 28/02/2014 09:39

How old is his dd?

Theoldhag · 28/02/2014 09:50

He's not a dad/husband at all he is a self serving prick, ffs pub every day? Does he have a drink problem or is he just a knob.

Wtf are you doing enabling this 'manchild'?

Makes me feel very for you and the beautiful dd's you all deserve so much more than this.

Snicci · 28/02/2014 12:47

Sorry my post wasn't meant to come across as putting the blame on his other child, not at all. We actually have a very close relationship. I think he just tells me he doesn't want to come as an excuse and reasoning to make me not leave him with our DC for one night / couple of hours.

Yes I did know he had a child and find your comment very unhelpful. We were close before other child came along and still are, I just feel they make me feel guilty to do my own thing yet I let them do their own thing either together or seperate. It feels like 2 against 1 all the time.

Of course we discussed what life would be like when DC was to come along but I feel I have been led to believe life would be something it isn't. Promises which have been broken. Changes in life which actually haven't happened.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 28/02/2014 13:33

Is it easier to blame a child than your husband who spends half his time in the pub?

JoinYourPlayfellows · 28/02/2014 13:37

DP mentioned I cannot work weekend evenings when mat. Pay ends

This prick thinks he gets to tell you when you can work?

Tell him to fuck off.

He's a prick.

capsium · 28/02/2014 13:49

As an alternative you assist him to take a more proactive role in caring for both children when his DD comes round. Why not arrange some 'surprise' guests which keep you busy entertaining? or take loooong baths? or stay in bed feeling a bit off colour?

Daykin · 28/02/2014 14:05

I bet if you LTB he will have both dds together pretty sharpish.

EverythingCounts · 28/02/2014 18:55

He's being selfish and not wanting to look after his kids. Say maybe you should spend some more time with his DD so she feels secure while he looks after baby, then after that he should be fine to take both while you work! Don't stand for him blaming his eldest.

russianfudge · 01/03/2014 02:27

Imagine the older one was both of yours. She'd have to adapt to having a new sibling and him letting her carry on having daddy to herself isn't doing her any favours.

MsColour · 01/03/2014 09:46

It's the adults who are at fault here for letting the child dictate.

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mymiraclebubba · 02/03/2014 19:07

If your relationship without dsd is as close as you suggest then why not talk to her yourself and see if you can find out what the reason is?

Could see be worried that all his attention will be on the baby and she will be pushed aside?

Your dp is bu and you need to stand your ground on having your own time!

anklebitersmum · 03/03/2014 13:37

Maybe if he likes a booze (and clearly he does) she's worried that she'll end up in charge of the baby?
Are you usually the 'responsible adult' in as much as he has a few before he even gets home and so you 'do' the children?

I think it might be 'DH gets a reality check' time.
To be brutal it sounds to me like either DSD would rather you were around OR that she's actually said nothing and he doesn't want to have to be sober properly responsible for two children.

Bahhhhhumbug · 03/03/2014 16:08

How old is your SD ? If she really said this and she is an older 'child' / young teen then she is being outrageously entitled and it needs pointing out to her that she does not dictate who out of your family is present during her royal visit. If she is a younger child and/or your DH is lying about this to stop you going out on your own then he is a controlling knob and you should consider your future with him.

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