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Have I got this wrong?

(8 Posts)
chickenoriental Mon 24-Feb-14 19:33:32

Ex has announced to dsc on phone that on contact days directly from school that dscs will be going home with exs friend until ex can pick up, although I'm available on those days ( purposely) and ex knows this, our rationale being consistency etc... For dscs. Now, I totally understand that it's exs contact day so up to her what she does, however am I justified in being angry given that she has made several references in comms and in court about me not picking dscs up when I was off work ? (mat leave, poorly with dcs of my own, also not wanting dscs to lose childcare places).

My other big concern is ex telling her dcs this kind of info and not my DH. It's not the first time and is not fair on dscs to be message carrier.

Probably being silly. Tbh we've got bigger fish to fry with her. Suppose I should just chalk it up on the list and ignore ( as always). Guess I'm venting...blush

mymiraclebubba Mon 24-Feb-14 19:43:09

Sounds dodgy to me! Could she just be trying to shit stir? Maybe worth a text or email saying kids have told you and if her getting there is a problem then you are happy to collect on those days and see where it leads?

FrogbyAnotherName Mon 24-Feb-14 21:08:46

Depends when contact starts - if it's from school, then your DP is responsible for pick up, and can put in place whichever arrangements he chooses - if it later, then their Mum is.

If its the former, and shes interfering with contact, then Perhaps call her bluff and arrange for your DP to be at the gate one day when friend is their too?

chickenoriental Mon 24-Feb-14 22:42:13


Haven't been clear, apologies.

It's a shared residency agreement, however pick ups etc... aren't specified.

My way of thinking is that as long as dscs are ok with the arrangement we need to say nothing. However, it's blatantly a control thing as ( as mentioned before) the main thrust of her previous arguments has been the time dscs are in childcare with us and how they would benefit being in the family home ( with her). Now that we can do that the argument no longer seems to stand...

purpleroses Mon 24-Feb-14 23:42:07

If it's a day that she would otherwise have been responsible for them then it's all absolutely fine - she is telling them directly what's going to happen after school and there's no reason to involve you or your dP at all. So the DSC aren't the message carrier as it only involves them and her.

On the other hand, if you've previously been looking after them on those days, and would reasonably expect to go on doing so then she's rather rude in not talking to you or your DP first.

russianfudge Tue 25-Feb-14 09:43:42

If it was my contact day with my dd, and my friend was picking her up from school, I would tell her rather than her dad because why would her dad need to know?

Unless her stepmum was under the impression that she was supposed to be collecting her in which case yes it is rude, and unfair for the child to have to pass on the message.

Which is it, btw?

The best advice I have for you is to keep your reaction to the information from the child to an absolute minimum so as not to make them anxious to be the message carrier. Then just be thankful that there's no school run on that day!

chickenoriental Tue 25-Feb-14 14:35:41

Thanks everyone.

Not a straightforward one at all.

Yes, mum used to do pick ups from school, now can't, so the arrangement as far as I was aware was that mum would collect from home. This was communicated to dscs by mum and they were told they'd go to childcare. DH then told ex and ( where I think dh has presumed too much) that I could do pick up and childcare wasn't needed ( as she's been all for minimising childcare before) ex didn't say that she didn't want me picking up / had made other arrangements. DH only became aware after he heard ex on phone. However, he should have checked with her first.

I can understand and appreciate that what she does is totally her look out, her dcs and that our opinions differ. I think she wants to minimise my involvement for numerous reasons. That's up to her. Perhaps I'd feel the same in her shoes.

Thanks again.

russianfudge Tue 25-Feb-14 18:32:36

Thinking about it, I think I'd decline if my DDs sm wanted to do pick up on my contact days... we have a great relationship but I don't really want to feel like she's doing me a favour.

I'd definitely tell sm though rather than pass messages through the kids.

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