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need to vent about dp and his exw

(21 Posts)
mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 21:24:06

Apologies if this seems petty but I need to vent this somewhere dp won't see

I love my dp dearly and I love his kids however his exw is a complete b*tich and I am truly ready to crack. Dp will go out of his way not to upset her irrespective of how it upsets and effects me.

She is a bloody nightmare and truly neglectful of the kids. Dsd is 8 and is riddled with headlice which exw refuses to deal with and when we have challenged her she threatens to remove contact - she claims that her hairdresser has said that there is no point treating as kids just keep getting them, mine did her nut when intolerance her. Dss is 10 and has a really nasty fungal infection I'm his toenails which she doesn't treat (the chemicals are too strong for him to do himself at instructions from Dr).

We have been to her gp (who is ours too) and reported it and asked for their help which they have agreed to do next time exw takes dsd in and I am seeing my hv on Wednesday to see if they can help but I am fighting a losing battle when dp just wants to shy away from dealing with exw because he is terrified of contact being withdrawn or causing a row.

Tonight being a prime example, we have had kids since Thursday and after taking them home exw text saying dsd had left her school book bag could we take it up, dp had had a drink so I refused to let him and our 6 month old had just gone down so I said grt her to come and fetch it which she refused saying it was too late to come out (9pm) so we would have to drop it off tomorrow which I have I have also said no to, she droves past our house everyday so can collect it, going to hers is out of my way.

Dp is now having a major strop and getting arsed with me over it all and I wanna cry. Bloody men grrrrrrrrr

Frogbyanothername Sun 23-Feb-14 21:48:41

You're not being at all unreasonable about the medical issues but (assuming the DCs are too young to take personal responsibility) I think you are about the school bag.

Get the GP on side regarding the DCs health - they can refer to SocServ if they are concerned. Engage with the school regarding the impact on the DCs well being as well.

But, if your DP didn't make sure his DCs had everything with them when they left, then it is really up to him to get it back to them. Unless the DC can make their own way to yours to collect I think you'll have to suck that one up in the morning.

And set some clear boundaries for your DP. If he caves to his ex all the time, then disengage and leave him to pick up the pieces.

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 21:58:12

I probably am being unreasonable over the bag but to be honest it's the principal of it all. She does it a lot! We asked the kids if they had everything, they said yes. They are 10 and 8 so more than capable of collecting their stuff themselves.

It's always us, when dp is at work (nights) she refuses to collect the kids so I have to get my baby up to take them home as she refuses to allow me to drop them home any earlier.

Monetbyhimself Sun 23-Feb-14 22:08:48

Presumably you've treated the head lice and the foot infection religiously since Thursday so hopefully they'll see some considerable improvement with both those. Fungal foot infections can really br helped by careful foot drying after bathing and showering so DP showing him how to do that properly.

As fir the school bag, yea I think your DP needs to make sure thatvis returned home.

Frogbyanothername Sun 23-Feb-14 22:12:32

when dp is at work (nights) she refuses to collect the kids so I have to get my baby up to take them home as she refuses to allow me to drop them home any earlier.

Um, no - their DCs, their problem. You are doing him a favour, and if its not working out for you anymore, then he can make the same arrangements as he would if you weren't a part of his life.

He can't have a go at you cos he's pissed off with hs ex and still expect you to be gracious and run around for him.

daisychain01 Sun 23-Feb-14 22:21:53

Hi miracle you sound frustrated and sometimes there is nothing like a good rant to get it out of your system! Rant away, this is like a public service therapy board!

I dont know I have any solution for you, but we have set a new house rule today, which is that whoever the DSC is with, that parent should be the one who goes over to the other home to pick stuff up.

So for eg, if DSS is with us and he says " I left my book in my bedroom over at DMs house but I must have it here for school this week " then DP or I will take DSS over to his DMs to pick it up.

But if its in reverse and he forgets something round here, and DSS is in his DMs care then he has to ask her to drive him round here. If she refuses, well Im afraid that isnt our problem, pls sort it out with your DM, you are face to face, just ask nicely -- again and again until she gets her car keys--

We have had enough of him being over there and ringing us up to take stuff round there ( um why not just walk 10 paces into the next room and ask her?? ) Mystery, havent got a clue! Teenagers!

mumandboys123 Sun 23-Feb-14 22:24:33

I probably am being unreasonable over the bag but to be honest it's the principal of it all. She does it a lot! We asked the kids if they had everything, they said yes. They are 10 and 8 so more than capable of collecting their stuff themselves.

so how is it the ex's problem if the children forget their school bags when they have been in their father's care? surely you are not suggesting it is her responsibility to somehow get the children to make sure their bags are with them when they are actually in the care of other adults? if they are capable of remembering, surely the adults caring for them are also capable of reminding them and making sure that everything they need is in the car before setting off rather than expecting young children to remember everything? is it OK that the children now don't have what they need for the morning at school? what kind of impact might that have on them?

For what it's worth, my children are more than capable of remembering everything they need for school. But they are also more than capable of leaving it on the stairs or in the living room. I work for a living - no luxury of being able to turn around and go back once we're in the car - so I put everything in the car myself whilst they are still getting themselves ready in the morning. That way, I know we have it. As they get older, and need to manage their own books and PE kits etc. at secondary school, then we will work out some other way of not forgetting but it's unreasonable, in my opinion, to put the onus on the children not to forget and blame their mother when they do!

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 22:29:15

Frog he has tried and thought he had sorted that she would collect them but when push comes to shove she refuses!

Monet yes to headlice and no to fungal as dss said this week mum has started doing it and he can only have it done twice a week cos he is technically too young for it.But dp has talked to him and helped him with drying his feet as well as sstopping him wearing socks in bed

Daisy I would love that but we have to do all the runningabout wwhether it's left here or st mum's. When it comes to homework I am a bit pissed off that they have had it since Thursday last week and yet it has had to come to us as mum won't force them to do it. If they don't bring it now I refuse to go and get it. They can do it on a Sunday night when they go back to her. Pathetic I know but it has literally come to me refusing to bend and accommodate her.

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 22:31:27

No impact mumandboys, homework not due in til Tuesday

mumandboys123 Sun 23-Feb-14 22:33:19

no impact that you about how the children feel? if they are primary aged, presumably they need their reading books? what might the teachers say to them about forgotten bags, in front of the rest of the class?

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 22:44:24

They regularly forget them at mums as indo pick ups from school in the week and never an issue then. And as you quoted my post you already know I said i was probably being unreasonable over the book bag. And that it was more the principal of it always being us doing the running about. She has collected them on her way home from work when they have been ill and left their Nintendo things which I didn't even know she had left (they aren't allowed them here as they spend allnday everyday on them) and she still expected me to drive them the 15 miles over to hers immediately.

If she was that bothered she could have driven the 2 miles to collect it (we have moved to be nearer for the kids) as both dp and I had had a drink so there is no way I was driving and risking my licence.

Frogbyanothername Sun 23-Feb-14 22:46:01

Frog he has tried and thought he had sorted that she would collect them but when push comes to shove she refuses!

But you don't refuse to wake your baby and take them home instead? Why not?
Either she'll get to your house pretty damn quick and collect them when she realises he's called her bluff - or they stay with you another night and he has to get them to school in the morning.
Not your problem to solve - unless you make it yours.

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 22:55:02

Cos he has usually gone to work already by that time and his job doesn't make it easy to get him on the phone.

I don't refuse because if I am terrified she will carry out her threats of stopping contact and quite frankly we can't afford the legal fees to fight it in court. Which I guess is also the reason he doesn't like putting his foot down with her too hard either. Although had it been today she would have got told as my dd is very poorly! We are biding time with a lot of it as I have told dp that if the neglect carries on I will refuse to send them home and will contact ss etc to get custody so don't wanna be seem to be rocking boat over not taking them
Home when dd is asleep if that makes sense

I really hate the politics of being a step mum!!

Frogbyanothername Sun 23-Feb-14 23:08:09

I have told dp that if the neglect carries on I will refuse to send them home and will contact ss etc to get custody

That won't happen. Certainly not over a few nits and a fungal foot infection. There would need to be months of independently evidenced abuse and neglect for a court to even consider changing residency. I speak from years of experience.

Beamur Sun 23-Feb-14 23:18:15

Sounds like both yr DP and his Ex are not being that reasonable and you're getting caught in the middle.
Head lice are a problem and in some schools, infestations will keep occurring, but refusing to treat them on that basis is a bit shit parenting.
Not unreasonable that your DP couldn't drive at 9pm because he'd had a drink, also not unreasonable that you didn't want to drop the bag off either - why would you want to leave a baby with someone who'd been drinking especially if Mum could pick the bag up on her way to school...
It is tough to expect kids living between 2 homes to remember everything, but it takes both parents to make this easier - and not expecting a SP to take up the slack - unless they are happy to.
Sometimes as a SP you have to take a bit of a back seat and let the parents step up and sort things out.

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 23:20:51

They have joint residency but yeah I know frog. Just really pisses me off that as sm I care more about the health and well being of her kids than she does. Her excuse was she was the one trying to sell the house and look after the kids and couldn't both (bs frankly) and now she is living with boyfriend (who she was having affair with that split up the marriage) and has his kids to look after the excuse is with 4 kids to look after she doesn't have time.

It annoys me cos I wish I could do as I have seen on here and "disengage" but I just can't! Dp is a brill dad and so hands on but exw refused to allow him to parent when they were together and altho he fought to have his say her argument was as she was the one always athome she would decide how the kids were raised and he just gave up arguing esp once he suspected the affair as he wanted to save his marriage and I guess it is taking time to realise that he can now tell her to f#@k off

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 23:24:39

Bemaur he had only had a pint but I don't agree with driving once you have had any alcohol regardless of whether you may be under the limit. I had also had a glass of wine so wasn't going anywhere and mum could very easily call round tomorrow on the way to school but won't. We explained why we couldn't take it up and she just text back saying well I am not collecting it as it's too late to go out

Beamur Sun 23-Feb-14 23:30:41

I guess all you can do is set your own standards at home and look after the kids as best you can. Their Mum may have different standards to yours, but I'd advise against judging her - on here is fine - vent away! but maybe that's the kind of opinion best not voiced IRL.
I wouldn't want my DP driving off to deliver stuff to his DC's late at night either if their Mum could easily collect them in the morning. I prefer not to drive after a glass of wine either.
Not having the right books on the odd occasion is not going to be a major problem for the kids schooling.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Sun 23-Feb-14 23:31:28

Denial of contact is a powerful tool - i know.

I also know about RPs taking piss.

My Sd was ill one time with me - she ramg her mum (who worked half way between our house and hers) - mum was "too busy" to talk to (ill) SD. I went out with car when DH got home from work - only for ex to ring SD and demand SD was brought home - immeadiately, bearing in mind she could have collected sd, I could have dropped her home or to mums work, if she hadnt refused to make arrangements.DH had no car, ex refused to speak to dh, SD got increasingly hysterical and I ended up having to drop my plans to bring car back.

So ex wifes power play of refusing to speak to her own child all day (we arent allowed to communicate with ex - not through lack of trying) spoiled my plans and also made sd exteemely upset.

Next time sd was ill I refused to have her - DH dropped her home - ex was on phone demanding "weekends have her". I point blank refused. Obviously DH more than happy to have SD but he hasnt been an unreasonable knob and he didnt need to take day off to make up for ex being a cow.

Eventually the SM worm does turn.

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 23:55:48

Bemaur good lord I would never say it in rl to anyone other than my best friend!!

Weekends - it drives me bloody nuts!! I will snap eventually and tell the stupid cow exactly where she can stick her piss taking but I suspect the fall out wouldrival cChenobyl!!

russianfudge Tue 25-Feb-14 09:55:44

I think that Dad is just as much to blame here. In my humble opinion, based on a few words on one thread - you are projecting your anger at him on to her. Have you contacted ss about the neglect (headlice and untreated infection) you don't need his permission to do that, any concerned person can report it.

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