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Percentages - from a childs POV

(23 Posts)
Theydeserve Fri 21-Feb-14 16:41:27

My 2DCs love their Dad but he and his new DP are less than great with contact, childcare, treating them well etc.

Eldest DC has been doing percentages at school and sat down and said this:-

SM and her 2DCS have our Daddy 100% of the time
They have their Daddy 50% of the time ( true, regular contact)

DC1 and I only see Daddy 10% of the time ( well less than that last year 11 ON stays)

So why when we go there do they tell us we have to share him with SM and her DCs, because it is not fair, that means we do not even get 10%, we just get a tiny %.

It is not fair, they need to share more .

I often lurk around the SP forum, gives me an idea as to why my DCS come home and say some stuff. I think it explains clearly how a young child views contact time and why "clinginess is common". Not necessarily age inappropriate but insecurity and an awful lot else.

I agree life goes on and it should not be party time all the time with their Dad, but a little bit of "them only" time would seem appropriate.

For my DCs that miniscule % is going to get worse, they are expecting a baby.......

lunar1 Fri 21-Feb-14 16:51:21

That's horrible for your children. If all he can be bothered to see his children is 11 overnights in a year, then that time should be 100% theirs, why is the step mum and her children not giving them some space with their dad? Why doesn't he make sure they get him to themselves? How old are your children?

Paintyfingers Fri 21-Feb-14 17:03:53

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Paintyfingers Fri 21-Feb-14 17:06:17

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Petal02 Fri 21-Feb-14 17:09:04

Just one question: you say there were only 11 overnight stays - but was he spending days with them? The only reason I ask, is that I never overnighted with my father when my parents split up, but we still had a good relationship with lots of day time contact. Sometimes I think we get a bit hung up with overnighting.

Hope you didn't mind me asking?

steppemum Fri 21-Feb-14 17:23:56

sounds like ds needs to show dh his percentage work sad

Whereisegg Fri 21-Feb-14 18:27:50

That is really sad sad
My dss stays at least one night every weekend.
Usually both but sometimes has plans with his dm/friends etc, and we're just that bit too far away for weekday overnights.

About once every 3 weeks or so I'll disappear with the other 2 dc so dss can do whatever with his df (usually play computer games and visit castles grin )

I too would be showing their father this work op.

NatashaBee Fri 21-Feb-14 18:35:58

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frogbyanothername Fri 21-Feb-14 18:39:33

Can I ask why you hold his new DP accountable for the lack of contact, childcare, treating them well etc?

Your DCs Dad is responsible for those things, equally with you. If he is absolving himself of that responsibility, then that lies entirely with him (unless he has a physical/mental frailty and his new DP is also his carer?)

Rant away about your DCs dad, it sounds, based on your brief post, as if he could do more - but don't make the mistake of blaming someone else for his shortcomings - that only let's him off the hook.

Theydeserve Fri 21-Feb-14 20:50:38

Contact is promised by DP and then changed at the last minute due to "crises" with new DP.

I do not blame his new DP solely, he has no balls to stand up for his kids and she manipulates situations - they are both as bad as each other. I could give numerous purely evil examples - but that was not the point of my post.

My post is about the view of an innocent child and their view of contact time.

I read here about disney dad stuff - grow some balls guys, I read about clinginess, coming to sit between new DP and Dad and how bad it is, etc etc

My eldest DCs view on sitting next to Dad to watch TV and have a snuggle - is that it never happens, because she has to sit next to him. I asked Ex and he said she preferred to snuggle next to him on the sofa - grow up!!

Ages 8 and 5.

Remainder of contact : phone at 1400 to say you will be picking up from school at 1515 and look after them till 1700 - happens roughly every 2 weeks, 24 hrs in his care has happened 8 times last year. Quality in the pick ups - zero, she texts and phones constantly.

She sounds needy and heartless.

Theydeserve Fri 21-Feb-14 20:54:48

No offence taken by any of the questions - I will blame the new DP for other stuff. Sadly for her recorded on my ipod touch which had not realised eldest DC had taken on an ON.

I had told him, I was not sure that what he was saying was true about SM. He proved me sadly wrong - listening to it made me cry. Made worse by the fact SM, was the OW and had been a v good family friend till ....

Repeats what I said

Frogbyanothername Fri 21-Feb-14 21:32:46

I'm sorry, I just don't get it.

Are you saying that your DCs Dad was an excellent father when you were with him, then he had an affair with a woman who he has entered into a relationship with and who is now manipulating him into neglecting them? Therefore you hold her equally responsible for their deteriorating relationship with their Dad?

I assume from what you have said that they've only got a comparison between "dad when he was with mum" and "dad now he's with SM" - or was he ever a single NRP?

If the Dad they see now is very different from the Dad they had when he was with you, then it's possible that he is in a coercive or abusive relationship. It's unusual for adults, particularly parents, to completely change their values unless there has been some kind of significant life event.

There are very few MN-step mums who would tolerate their DP neglecting their DCs the way you describe. Therefore, when MN-step mums vent their frustration about their DSC clingyness/regression, it is not in a situation in which the DCs are in such infrequent contact as your DCs are with their Dad. In fact, at least one regular poster here is a SM following the death of her DSC mum, so there are no %'s to calculate - her DsC have their Dad 100% of their time, all be it that they have to share that time with each other.

Paintyfingers Fri 21-Feb-14 22:16:14

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frogbyanothername Fri 21-Feb-14 22:29:48

Painty - the OP (and I) have both used the word equally, not solely.

SM giving Dad and DC space is one thing - disrespect by a DC of their Dads relationship is another. It's a fine line that can be easily misinterpreted by observers.

The OP is questioning the posts of SM on this board based on her DCs own experience - yet their dads beheviour is something that i believe very few SM on this board would be prepared to tolerate with respect of their own DSCs.

From the OPs description, her DCs dad sounds like a dead loss - but by blaming the SM (who might also be behaving poorly towards the DCs) the OP is excusing him.

Frog confused

purpleroses Fri 21-Feb-14 22:50:28

That amount of contract is so little I can't see how he can really be much of a dad to them whether or not his partner and her DCs are around. Is there anything you can do to increase it or make it more regular? If he's committed to having them and some "crisis" comes up it might be worth making yourself a bit less available and impressing on him that he needs to sort it out.
If you've really tried everything to increase contact and he's still really unreliable then sadly they need to come to terms with having a dad who doesn't really care much for being a dad sad Can you emphasise their other family members or close friends?

You refer to your ex's new DP as their DSM but it doesn't sound as if they really see her as one. In a proper step family there is sharing going on but it's not about winning and losing percentages of people - any more than a first child "loses" 50% of their parents when they have a sibling born.

Is your elder child old enough to tell their dad how they feel about things like sitting next to him on the couch?

Theydeserve Sun 23-Feb-14 10:37:30

Frog are you being deliberately obtuse.

The post was about a little child and their view of contact time. I am not taking a pop at his new DP. (but I would be justified)

I agree sharing comes in any family but this was a child and their interpretation - not mine in any way shape or form. Their view is that when they see their Dad they want to do things just with him for part of the time. They actually get on well with her DCs.

Disrespect of a relationship can only come from the adults involved. Sadly they knew this woman pre split ( family friend) and comments like "if your mother had not been such a bitch, then Daddy would not have come to me", "tell your mother, I have stopped telling lies and we can all be friends again" are not the words of a then 5 yr old - he heard and repeated. The list of poison is endless. Likewise her daughter telling my DC - " my mummy says your mummy is a fat cow" - not any childs fault, blame the adults. what doees "torment" mean - why - Aunty says you tormented Daddy, is that why he left us.

Petal02 hit it on the head- it is about quality time, not just hours and driving to take her DCs to a birthday party and sitting in the car / sitting in a coffee shop with new DP,waiting to pick them up ( 1 hr drive to get to party) is not quality time to them.

Believe me I am not excusing the weak willed pathetic specimen of fatherhood - but together, they justify their actions with respect to his kids, out of sight, out of mind.... However, my opinion on both of them in front of my kids remains mine and only mine.

Frogbyanothername Sun 23-Feb-14 10:54:33

Theydeserve I've misinterpreted your motivation, and I apologise.

I read your post as a message to stepmums - see, this is how your DSC really feel about you, so think about that next time you complain about them being clingy/regressing.

I'm projecting, though.

Snoozybird Sun 23-Feb-14 11:39:16

I have to say at first I also read the OP in the same way that Frog originally did.

I guess this type of post goes to show there is always more of a backstory behind most opening posts, because having read on, it's clear there are other issues more damaging than the shared time. Therefore to call someone 'deliberately obtuse' because their own backstory would have influenced their reply is, IMO, a little unfair.

As Petal said "it's not about winning and losing percentages of people - any more than a first child "loses" 50% of their parents when they have a sibling born". My DSC share their dad with me because they actually prefer me being around, they only get alone time because I need a breather otherwise if they had their way I'd get none at all!

The real issue here is not the percentages but the fact that the DC's dad and partner aren't making the most of that time whether 'shared' or not, plus the horrible inappropriate comments etc. Yes it's sad that an innocent child has such view of their contact time but that view can occur even in an amicable situation and needs to be challenged/explained sympathetically to them (not saying that you haven't theydeserve).

Having said all that I totally get your frustration that your DCs dad is clearly not putting them above his own needs, poor children.

IneedAwittierNickname Sun 23-Feb-14 14:09:52

OP your posts could have been written by me, only my dc havent worked out the percentages!

mymiraclebubba Sun 23-Feb-14 21:46:02

As a step mum I am horrified by your ex and his dp!!! What an awful pair!

My dp and I have been together 18 months and have a 6 month old (not planned, I was told I couldn't have kids) and I go out of my way to make sure that when his kids are here they get as much time with their dad as possible! Especially as he works shifts so often isn't here and they are with me and do.

I am acutely aware that dd has her dad 100% of the time and they don't get anywhere near that time with him although we have eow and one night every week and then 50% of all holidays and alternating at Xmas so way more than your poor ds.

Maybe you should email his dad with this transcript

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