If you are the NRP, what do you get your DC/SC to do re chores?

[Snatchoo]

DSS is nearly 13 and we see him every other weekend or thereabouts. Sometimes not as he has parties etc at the weekend.

DH is definitely not a 'Disney dad' but DSS for sure is a lazy toe tag!

We don't see him very much but as the oldest of 6 brothers (3 ours, 2 his mum's - all 5 and under) he has been pandered to an spoiled. He doesn't do anything chore-wise round the house here or there and can barely get his pants in the wash basket.

Is it unreasonable to say that from now on, he has specific jobs like lay the table, keep his clothes tidied away (he shares a room) etc? Both DH and I think we should as his laziness has expectations will only get worse as he gets older, but equally we don't want him to feel like unpaid weekend help!!

I also need advice on how to get him to look after his and other people's belongings but I won't go into that here.

Thanks in advance.

[purpleroses]

Yes that's not too much to ask. Ours (DSC and DCs) are aged 10 to 16 and are expected to put own clothes away, stack dishwasher, help wash up occasionally, etc.
Do expect to meet resistance at first though if he's 13 and never really done much before. You may have to stand over him getting him to do it at first. We do also find that helping one parent with the washing up can be a nice opportunity for a chat with teens - which can be hard to come by

[daisychain01]

Yes I definitely agree purpleroses re washing up is a good bonding time and can have a snowball effect ( housework by stealth, I call it). Once they are in the mode, it means they are more likely to do other things to help, like dirties into the laundry basket, stack plates after dinner, rinse yoghurt pots and put in recycling (every time!). Start small and ramp it up .

Would it be worth you making a list of jobs and creating the family a rota. Peer pressure is good, so if one DC is good then it sets the bar high for everyone else.

As I tend to say on the matter of chores, the actual benefit you get from the chores being done isnt as important as the fact your DCs and DSCs are learning what it means to be a contributing member of the family. Sometimes I have to (sneakily) redo some tasks (fussy cow) but It doesnt matter, at least they try!

[daisychain01]

Also lashings of praise, hugs at end of tasks, are a great reinforcer!

Btw, I don't underestimate your challenge of being the NRP, because your DSS will go back to his RP and the rules may be different there.

That's when house rules kick in and " this is how we do things round here". It is likely he may even take the behaviour back to the RP, so he will benefit from the discipline in his whole life not just part of it.

[Snatchoo]

Thanks all.

He's quite....resistant to doing anything around the house without monetary reward so I think a rota would be a good thing. Then at least he knows he's not just getting picked on to do it!

My mum never tried to make me or my brother and sister do anything until we were well into our teens and I'm sorry to say, we were awful about it . I really don't want an upward struggle with our boys - four in a three bed terrace creates a lot of work!

[mymiraclebubba]

I have rules and chores for my step kids when they are here and have massive issues with their dm over it as she doesn't believe in kids having chores (or discipline and various other things I disagree with).

When here the kids are responsible for keeping their rooms tidy, putting away clean clothes and making their own breakfasts (10 and 8). They also have to walk the dog and pick up her poop as I strongly believe that they should learn that it's not all about chucking a ball and curling up by the fire when it comes to pets.

[Asteria]

All three of ours have to tidy their rooms, the younger ones with assistance. They all happily help with laying table, help with cooking, clear plates and load the dishwasher at meal times. When they get changed dirty clothes go straight in the linen basket and clean ones go over a chair in their bedrooms for another wear. I am really lucky in that I have inherited two very helpful DSCs. They have everything done for them at home so I was quite surprised at their enthusiasm to begin with. They love cooking which is particularly lovely as in just under 2 years they have gone from being fussy freezer/processed food only children to happily helping prepare home-made soups and pies with DH and I. DSD (8) is getting to a point where I would be happy to sit back and let her make cupcakes with only light supervision, which is really lovely for her

We don't regard children helping around the home as a chore iykwim - the feeling being that if it has a label then it could become something negative. I'm not one for bribing with pocket money/rewards as then they expect to be rewarded for a simple helpful act that should be natural to them - we do thank them for their help though and make it very clear that it is appreciated.

[Asteria]

Missfired forgot to add - DS 11 has written a contract with my husband (his stepfather) that he has to respect certain rules in return for certain privileges. He is at an age where he sometimes needs to escape from his step siblings (who are only 8 and 5 and can be quite intense) for some time out so the agreement is that he is allowed his xBox in his room on the condition that he plays games on it for no longer than an hour each day, reads a book for the same amount of time and keeps his room in a habitable state. Perhaps some sort of contract would help - he might feel like a grown up as rewards systems may feel a bit babyish?

[Snatchoo]

That sounds good Asteria. I do feel like sometimes we are all on top of each other, and he's in the middle with no one the same sort of age.

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Snatchoo I can completely empathise with you. I have a SD who is 12 and has never lifted a finger in her life because her mother doesn't ask her too. Father is NRP and wasn't asked to help round the house either as a kid so I met with some bemusement when I asked that we instigate a chore.

Over Xmas week we told her she would be loading the dishwasher and she flipped out the first evening. Ended up texting her mum who text my husband saying he had upset her! But we stuck with it and by the end of the week she was doing it without complaint. And she does every weekend now. The only struggle we had was when we were away and she was with her friends and not wanting to help.

We also told her she needs to keep her room tidy and when she has half tidied it we remind her of what 'tidy' really means!

I would just stick with it. Explain why you are asking them to help - as we did - that it is to help them to become responsible adults. With a bit of persistence and patience they will adapt.

Not easy but well worth it!

[newbiestepmum]

Sorry for multiple messages - the error message said it wasn't sent and now I can't delete!

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Lol
Spammer
Chuckling here as the same happened to me once

[impatienceisavirtue]

My stepkids have to do chores when they're here - but ones related to mess they've caused, like when they've trashed a room again. I get the feeling their mum picks up after them at home, but I think it's important for kids to take responsibility. We don't make them do much at all, just pick up after themselves and BOY do they moan about it, even as my kids are doing even more around the house. They think they should be treated like royalty and not lift a finger when they're here! I do feel your pain but I think it's important to stick at it.

[Xalla]

We expect DSD aged 8 to keep her room tidy, make her bed, put her clothes in the laundry bin etc just as we expect DS 5 to it all and to some extent, DD 3.

We expect the same of her as our 'full-time' kids.