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(26 Posts)
TheMumsRush Wed 19-Feb-14 21:14:28

I was talking to my dsis, she has a dsd and the dsd's mum HATES both my dsis and her dh and is doing everything she can to make dsd hate them both to (and it's working after 10 years of poison). My dsis has accepted that she will never go to important occasions like dsd's wedding. It got me thinking about my own dsd and her wedding and I would hate for that to happen. Anyone else contemplated their role in the future? Good and bad? I hope my dsd sees me as a friend in the future, I hope this for both my dsc. I hope they think of me and dh when looking for a babysitter and not just their mum. Just musing really

purpleroses Wed 19-Feb-14 22:44:45

How sad for your Dsis. I can't think of any other wedding that DP would go to and not me and couldn't imagine not going to DSC's. They're coming to mine!
But I am lucky that DP's ex is essentially a reasonable person.

I think I very much do expect to stay a part of their lives over coming years. I don't think you can have too many grannies really smile

RubyrooUK Wed 19-Feb-14 23:00:19

I have step parents. I don't see them as friends. I see them as family.

I met them as adults so it's not exactly a parent-child relationship, but it is definitely a caring family one. Both my stepparents have been to stay when coming to the city where I love without my parents and I've enjoyed spending time with them by myself.

Also now I have children, they are full grandparents to them. Both my stepmum and stepdad do a brilliant job of appearing to adore my children, which has cemented our relationship even further. When somebody loves your children, it is irresistible.

(Oh and both my stepparents came to my wedding. I wanted my parents on the top table and so my stepparents sat next to each other on the close family table with siblings etc. Everyone was very kind so that DH and I could have a lovely day.)

RubyrooUK Wed 19-Feb-14 23:01:15

...City where I "live", not "love".....smile

Frogbyanothername Wed 19-Feb-14 23:31:09

Weddings and step parents are a minefield, aren't they?

Sadly, I anticipate that history will repeat itself, and that I will be 'banned' from the weddings of my DHs DCs, just as his exW banned her dads wife from her and DHs wedding.
DH says it should have been a red flag - his exW was estranged from her Dad when DH met her, yet she asked him to give her away at their wedding; in the next breath, banning her Dads wife, of many years, from being there.
Eventually, neither her Dad or his wife attended the wedding.

In contrast, I am certain that my DD will welcome both her step parents at her wedding - I'd be mortified if she doesn't!

TheMumsRush Thu 20-Feb-14 07:29:26

My dsm helped me get dressed on my wedding morning. She is no longer with my dad anymore but they are still firings and my dsm and I are still very close. My dsd was my only bridesmaid. We are going thorough a bit of a boundary testing patch but both dh and I are handling it together and it's helping. It is a mind field but I'm sure things will turn out well

CountryGal13 Fri 21-Feb-14 09:29:04

If often thought about when my sc get married and it fills me with dread. The awkwardness of having to spend a day in the same room as my husband's ex, will they want pictures with both mum and dad together, the top table set up (i know for a fact I wouldn't be on it) and how confusing would all be for our children. Obviously it will be there day not mine but I can imagine it'll be one of the most awkward days ever.

If my dad had lived to see my wedding then I wouldn't have invited my step mum. She was the OW and it would had devastated my mum so I wouldn't have done that. I think my dad's wife would have understood though.

RubyrooUK Fri 21-Feb-14 18:54:33

Don't dread it Country.

My parents and stepparents still talk about how much they loved our wedding and pictures show them all dancing and laughing so much, so it can't have been that awkward. (And my mum has good reason to hate my dad.)

And the top table arrangements didn't seem to confuse anyone - both my stepparents imagined I would want my parents at the top table together. That didn't matter to them - as far as I know - as they were there as loved family members and delighted to be so involved. And my step sister and other step relations seemed pretty cheery about the whole affair.

We did all meet up first to make sure it wasn't the first time everyone had been in a room together. And had drinks the night before to break the ice. So everyone put in a good effort to make things work. And they did.

EmpireBiscuit Fri 21-Feb-14 18:57:58

Don't dread it - I had an oval top table and my mum, dad, DSD and DSM all sat on it with my ILs etc.

I always say I'm lucky enough to have 4 parents.

MuttonCadet Fri 21-Feb-14 18:58:36

No way would I be able to go, I wasn't the other woman, but it doesn't matter, she isn't as happy as DH (after having an affair and booting him out) and can't forgive that.

I feel incredibly sorry for the kids, but I wouldn't put them through the stress of worrying about how she'd react if I was there.

Kaluki Fri 21-Feb-14 20:39:29

My DSCs wedding will be difficult. His ex hates me, DP hates his ex and her husband (The OM!),and don't even get me started about DPs mum ans sisters opinions of them all!!
If we can get through the day without a punch up then that will be a miracle!
Poor DSC!!,

TheMumsRush Fri 21-Feb-14 20:48:15

Oh dear, I see a lot of Vegas weddings on the cards!

RubyrooUK Fri 21-Feb-14 20:56:11

Nooooooooo. I keep trying to spread the love with my stories. grin

TheMumsRush Fri 21-Feb-14 21:33:11

Keep spreading ruby (hmm sounds wrong) it's much appreciated grin

99redbafoons Fri 21-Feb-14 21:43:38

When I got married my step parents both sat on the top table as well as my parents and my Dad left my Mum for my stepmum - if that makes sense! I don't particularly care for my stepmum but adore my stepdad, but the day wasn't about that it was about me and DH and our special day. If I had moved them onto a separate table there would have been whisperings from others about SM "oooh still the Scarlett woman, 25 years on" etc etc. I didn't want to fuel the fire.

My mum is incredibly dignified, when I asked her what she thought she just said "Darling, I'll be thinking even less of that woman than I ever did on your special day. It's not about her or me."

And then my Mum looked amazing and enjoyed her day!

I suppose my point is, eventually it will come from your relationship with your step children, and depend on their feelings about the situation and current relations. Weddings should be happy times and not about old fueds, sounds like your DC are young enough for dust to settle!

Kaluki Sat 22-Feb-14 10:31:18

My brothers wedding was great. Mum and dad in the top table, stepdad sat on a table with me and my nan and aunts and uncles. Everyone just made friends and got on with it, very civilised but that was 15 years after my parents divorced and by then my bitch stepmum (OW) had buggered off so my mum didn't have to face her. It wouldn't have been so friendly if she'd been there I'm sure!

Notsoskinnyminny Sat 22-Feb-14 18:26:13

DSD1s wedding was the worst day of my life and we nearly split up as a result. I'm not the OW but may as well be, I was told by her aunts I wasn't allowed to be on any photos but then just before we went in for the reception I was told I was first in the meet and greet line lets parade the tart for everyone to have a good look and was snubbed by many members of ex-Ws family who refused to shake hands with me.

DSD2 and 3 are now engaged and I've told DH I won't be attending their weddings. DSD1 has 2 children who I'm not allowed to hold and I'm not welcome in her home. Its sad really because we did get on at first and DH is missing out on his grandchildren.

Eliza22 Sat 22-Feb-14 18:59:12

What the hell is going on with these people? Is it the bitter ex's? The kids themselves? It's madness that in a world where shit (really awful stuff) happens every minute of every day I just cannot understand how people can't just grit their teeth and "bear it" and get on for a short period of time on these special occasions.

I have 3 steps (20, 23 and 25) and a ds of 13. I wasn't OW. DH's wife ended their marriage when she had a lengthy affair. I came along years later. I felt very lucky when 4 yrs later we married and I moved in. My ds was gaining a family/siblings and I was delighted that we could be a "family unit" of sorts. It all went wrong. I have been excluded on a few occasions (wedding, graduation, etc) and DH has stated, in writing that this will not happen in future. Unless I'm invited too, as we are a couple, then he will not be attending.

We now have 2 grown up SD's who will have nothing to do with us. Miserable. Really bloody miserable. They want an assurance that "she" won't have to be invited. To this day, I still have no idea what I did wrong.

Frogbyanothername Sat 22-Feb-14 19:17:49

eliza It's not you. It is a refusal on the part of the adult DCs concerned to self-reflect and take the time to acknowledge and understand the range of emotions they feel in relation to their parents separation, divorce, and lives apart.

They feel bad. They don't like feeling bad. It's someone else's fault that they feel bad. Who can they blame? The easiest person is the one that they are least emotionally invested in. You.

Sadly, the inability to self-reflect is often a consequence of their parents avoidance of difficult issues when they were younger. Rather than give DCs the skills to deal with uncomfortable emotions, many parents protect/shield their DCs from difficulties or unpleasantries. The result is an adult who has no way of working though their own feelings, so they "run away" from situations they find emotionally overwhelming.

Frikadellen Sat 22-Feb-14 19:29:16

I had my SD (who was the OM) and SM at the head table at my wedding. Put them next to each other. my SD welcomed everyone and my Dad gave me away and my FIL said the table prayer. MIL came with me to buy the silk for my wedding dress and my mother got to be mother of the bride smile

It is possible but also 20 years on after the divorce

Eliza22 Sat 22-Feb-14 19:45:22

That's true, Frog but we're talking about 3 highly intelligent high achievers, all Uni graduates, all sociable, all in professions rather than just "jobs". They have a wide, loving family. They are confident and well adjusted and I don't understand the fact that they cannot manage just a tiny bit of kindness. Because that's what it boils down to.

TheMumsRush Sat 22-Feb-14 22:01:54

Notso that's so sad, I don't blame you for not putting your self through that again thanks

UsingMyRedPen Sun 23-Feb-14 09:50:04

From the adults perspective - my mum and dad divorced over 20 years ago. It was a nasty, spiteful, horrendous split on both sides which resulted in my siblings and I going into care due to cruel false accusations that left both sides looking unfit to parent. Both my parents families said all kinds about each other and when my mum remarried a couple of years later my step family got dragged into the mess as well. Everyone pretends to have moved on now but there are still little comments that give away people's true feelings - there's still bitterness and resentment festering away, particularly between my aunties on my dads side and my mum.

My mums family unfortunately do not get along particularly well with my step dads family (because they are a bit snooty which I admit is irritating but isn't a reason to leave them out).

Both my mums family and my dads family is huge (several generations of lots and lots of kids) so I have 3 Large groups of relations that I dread attempting to put in the same room together.

Then there is DP's family. His mums side is absolutely massive, his brother had over 200 guests at his wedding just on his side, not including the brides family. They have a lot of family politics going on and the bride and groom were tearing their hair out over the seating plan beforehand. DPs dad died when he was quite young and although his mum and dad were engaged at the time of his dads death, his dads side cut him and his brothers off after their dad died so while they are sort of in contact now I'm sure you can imagine the kinds of things that have been said over the years and his mums family are still aggrieved that the boys and their mum were treated this way. So 2 more family groups to dread putting in the same room together.

None of his family have met any of my family because they live 300 miles away, so there won't be any ice breaking beforehand (not particularly relevant but I'll include it anyway, we also have the challenge of finding a venue that everyone can afford and get to).

DP and I are seriously considering taking DSD on holiday to Vegas and just getting married while we're there!

UsingMyRedPen Sun 23-Feb-14 09:56:20

My DSD (7) loves my brothers and sisters so although she and I sometimes have difficulty, I really can't imagine her getting married and not inviting them. Also DP would be giving her away so it would be a bit strange if he and my family were there but I'd been left out. Also I make a special effort to get along with her mum and stepdad to try and avoid animosity at big events, now and later on.

perplexedpirate Sun 23-Feb-14 10:04:08

My stepdad walked me down the aisle. He's more of a parent than anyone related by blood to me has ever been.
I love my stepdad. smile

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