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Am I being groomed for step-granny-hood?

(10 Posts)
Loveineveryspoonful Tue 18-Feb-14 16:58:04

Sounds ridiculous, I know.... But dh got me quite angry recently when he was musing about our retirement. The upshot was that we can't retire abroad because we need to be near our children (i.e. His children, am pretty sure ds doesn't pray on his mind...) to look after the grand kids, so that dsd/ds can "have a life". WTF???
It took me straight back to a seemingly nonchalant remark when we were dating and I was too stupid to see red flags flying in my face when stbh said he'd never have a lot of money to spend on me because he was always going to support his kids (further education, buying them a flat, etc). First of all I was gobsmacked - being a mum I felt the same about prioritizing ds' needs - but I'd always earned my own money and had been well able to look after myself as lp (8 yrs). Was I just being set up to NEVER ask for a fair contribution from dh to our common pot? Alas, this turned out to be true and was a really disappointing eye opener. Thanks to couple counseling, dh does now see the error of his ways on that point.
After a year of therapy, I've come to realize that dh and I parent differently and I will merely insist on the boundaries that I feel comfortable with re dsc but detach from any input myself. Its been v hard going but I feel I can deal with our present situation.
BUT I don't want to take the backseat anymore! I wonder sometimes if dh is not simply taking the piss, goading me or something... How can he possibly know where "our" kids will settle one day, if they're going to have dc at all? They are aged 13 to 17, btw...
But most of all I wish I wasn't always too stunned to reply! (He's on a business trip atm, so haven't had time to discuss this with him yet).

Pootles2010 Tue 18-Feb-14 17:01:57

I think you're getting awfully upset about what sounds like a throwaway comment. Its just a 'musing' as you said.

TBH I wouldn't say its that unusual not to want to move away from your family either? I'd guess its the main reason a lot of people would give for not moving.

YoureBeingASillyBilly Tue 18-Feb-14 17:04:23

Wow! Im not a step parent and my dcs are stil young but even i am looking frward to being able to travel and be not so young free and single when dcs are grown. Do people now a days still expect their parents to e on hand or childcare? I know i dont. Doesnt dh think he'll want that bit of freedom without having to worry about what the dcs need?

Blu Tue 18-Feb-14 17:14:28

Retiring abroad is different from travelling and enjoying your freedom.

DP's parents retired abroad and do not know their grandchildren at all, and rarely see their grow up children.

I would be sad to lose my opportunity to be a MIL from hell get to know any gc I might be lucky enough to have.

I won't be a childcare service for the working week, but would love to have gc for the weekend occasionally just as my gp had me.

Is that so unusual?

YoureBeingASillyBilly Tue 18-Feb-14 17:34:31

Yes thats true - retiring different to travelling. I still couldnt imagine knowing for definite that it just wouldnt be happening unless DCs had extra needs that would mean always needing a care or someone keeping an eye on them. I think i'd just keep an open mind about it and see how we as a couple felt about at retirement stage depending on whether grand kids existed or were likely to any time soon. For example on their dad's side my children will be in their late 20's/30's when exps parents are ready to retire. So they'll have had all the grand children stage already.

TheMumsRush Tue 18-Feb-14 17:37:12

Coming from someone who never gets a break, I have no time off from my dc, no weekend off or parents to have ds. I know how if feels to need a break. I'm looking forward to doing that that for my ds if he needs it. Maybe you just need to tell him how you see your retirement and meet in the middle

Loveineveryspoonful Tue 18-Feb-14 18:21:17

Meeting in the middle sounds just about right!
We do a bit of traveling every year and I'd like to keep that up, we also have the opportunity to live in a house my parents willed to me in an EU country, so that even if we chose to live there pt there's no really no reason for dh to start laying down the law now when no one knows what's going to happen. Because that's it really, it felt as if dh was stressing the fact that we had to BE THERE, not unlike the existing arrangements for the dsc... No mention of the dsc mum and her partner. Dh has a thing about competing with ex for Disney parent of the year, and while I understand the guilt on both sides, and am willing to accept that younger kids (13 is still quite young I think) and their needs come first, I'm going to have to draw the line at being at the beck and call of adults who chose to have kids (never once had a babysitter for ds, my mum came in emergencies only so I could go,to work, and I didn't want it any other way).
Dsc were raised by day carers and au pairs as both parents wanted high power jobs, and that's fair enough. IMO that's the road dh should be pointing them to...sorry if this has become a rant. It's just that I'm sick of pandering to spoilt kids I feel ill at ease with dc who were/ are being parented by guilt and convenience, and in the near (?) future will be taken for granted again.
Hopefully this has all been a terrible misunderstanding on my part and I'm just paranoid because of past BS like dh not wanting to father any babies with me because he doesn't actually like kids, wtf? bitter? Not me, surely?

Loveineveryspoonful Tue 18-Feb-14 18:36:19

Sillybilly, my sentiments exactly.
I hope I've got an open mind re future grand kids, and like others have said, hope I can be useful now and again helping out when needed. Quite normal indeed.
My over reaction I'm venting here is because I have been taken advantage of at every turn in our 5 years together and only after a year of counseling has any real progress been made. So imagine my indignant surprise when dh is again trying to push me into fulfilling some fantasy of his (like me replacing their mum in dsc affections because she's soooo awful and they, like him, deserve better). Now that my turning into 'Mary Poppins meets superwoman' has finally been binned, there's still hope for him to gain points over ex if his dw is the gran to beat all grans!
Anyways, thanks for all your replies, I'm v fond of kids, actually... And will dote on any baby brought my way. I just don't like dh's presumptuousness.

caramelwaffle Wed 19-Feb-14 00:05:53

I am already there.

I refuse to be used - at all: financially, childcare, anything, whilst a certain lifestyle by one SD is chosen. I've said it in black and white to them on more than one occasion.

They'll get help in all ways if they choose a different lifestyle but I'm not going to tell them how they must live their life.

I am you in the future - and saying no is surprisingly easy (a natural people pleaser)

Loveineveryspoonful Wed 19-Feb-14 06:14:18

Caramel, thanks for replying.
I really was starting to think I was slowly losing the plot. "Surely dh wouldn't think of treating me shabbily again, not after all what's been said and done (mostly at counseling)?"
But,yeah, he kinda is... It's quite exhausting, isn't it? And like you, I've no special demands or agendas, just want everybody to act decently towards each other. My mistake, I suppose (yep, another people pleaser).

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