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My OH is finding being a step parent hard

(14 Posts)
chunkAdunk Tue 18-Feb-14 15:28:53

I met my OH 4 years ago when my DD was 5 and OH DS was 4. Everything seemed perfect. Until we moved away. My OH got really depressed, actually told me once how much they hated my DD. I thought it's ok, new move, new area, new family. We will get over it. But it just became worse. My OH puts my DD down all the time. My DD has a bad time adjusting to new things, she finds life difficult at times but she tries. My OG doesn't accept this and really goes of on one. To cut long story shut, my life and my DD life is awful. But so is OH DS too. My OH stays in bed until 4-5pm everyday. When OH gets up, instantly angry & shouting at DC , even own DS. My DD and OH DS shard a room which they can easily stay in for 9-10 hours a day. My DD doesn't even cuddle me anymore. Or kiss me. I know what's happening around me. I do. I'm just finding life so hard. My DD hasn't cuddled up with me in 3 years or so. I'm such a failure. I've messed her life up so much, and my own. I live miles away from my family, this is the 3rd school in 3years. It's all to much. I have no money to leave. I have no where to go. I'm starting to think my DD be better of in care. Because I've failed her. Because she is treated so bad by my OH. It's like I'm in this big hole & I can't get out even though I'm killing myself a bit more everyday. I'm kidding myself things will change still aren't I? That things will get better.... Damn

RedFocus Tue 18-Feb-14 16:40:05

I suggest the boy is picked up by his mother and you kick that feckless bastard out the house!
Don't put either children or yourself through this anymore. Clearly your daughter has withdrawn into herself but if you get rid if that fucker and concentrate on her then it maybe reversible.
Its not easy doing it on your own but you only have the one child whereas I had 3 and my youngest is autistic and I managed to do it another country and believe me I can be really flaky at times but when it comes to your kids you have to do whats best for them!

Kaluki Tue 18-Feb-14 19:30:07

Look this is your wake up call.
Red is right. Get rid of this man. It is possible and you can't let your dd suffer any more.
I was in a relationship when my dc were young with an abusive alcoholic pig. They saw things that break my heart when I think about it now and DS1 took a lot of crap from this guy which I was unaware of.
But I got away. I got my life back and my relationship with my boys has got stronger for it!
Don't leave it too late!

louby44 Tue 18-Feb-14 20:52:28

I've just recently ended a 6 year relationship where my exP was unkind to my DC (and his own 2 DD at times).

He was always very loving and caring towards me. He did used to ignore for days and refuse to communicate if I disagreed with him. I just got so fed up of it. He has issues he needs to address.

He was often really unreasonable with his treatment towards my 2 boys. Had strict rules, was VERY shouty, quite nasty, actually he was downright cruel. As my boys got older they stood up to him. He didn't like that, he was losing control.

I loved him and as a couple had a wonderful, full life together. But when the boys were about it was very stressful, I was treading on egg shells all the time, there was no fun or laughter. The 3 of them tolerated each other.

Our house is now up for sale and he moved out 2 weeks ago.

My boys are better behaved, happier and sit with me more.

Do it. Kick him out!

chunkAdunk Wed 19-Feb-14 00:51:17

Louby44 , how you have described it is exactly how it is. When it's just us, It's so loving & really great. We have spoken so many times about everything, how we are never gonna be a proper family. It's hard & hurtful so often.
Its not my house. I'm the one who has to leave. I have no money, no family , I have relied on this person for so many years. I live in my OH area. Their family is dotted around this whole area.
I know I have to leave. It kills me to go. But I do have to have some money behind me. I am trying to get a loan out & leave when I can.

Tenalady Wed 19-Feb-14 00:55:52

Totally in agreement with RedFocus,

MeMySonAndI Wed 19-Feb-14 01:05:22

Ok, you can't continue like that. So, you can leave and hope for the best or, you can start putting things in place in preparation fr leaving like getting a job, start saving some money (even small amounts), make the effort to spend more time with your child away of them and leave when you are ready.

The only thing you cannot do is not do anything.

chunkAdunk Wed 19-Feb-14 01:57:47

I've already started putting things in place to go. I have a job, it's just hard when we have joint account. It's not easy to save the money when my work doesn't pay a decent amount. I am going to spend one on one time with my DD and buy myself enough time for my wages to go in & go that day. I live 350 miles away from my old area. I don't have many friends or family (they have moved other side of the world ) so I know I need enough for deposit to go. It's so hard. I know what I need to do. Just as I have no one to talk to, this is kind of my outlet. Like that friend I don't have

Tenalady Wed 19-Feb-14 08:02:42

keep talking chunk, we are here to help, open yourself your own private account and start to filter little drops by withdrawing cashpoint and putting into your new account.

Kaluki Wed 19-Feb-14 09:44:56

Go to the CAB and find out what help you will be entitled to.
You may find it will be easier than you think!

Eliza22 Wed 19-Feb-14 09:57:35

OP, you could have posted this on a number of threads. Certainly, RELATIONSHIPS. It's irrelevant that it's a STEP PARENTING situation because what it is, above anything else, is an abusive marriage and 4 children are involved. You must either leave (preferably where you do have the support of family/friends (is that a possibility, a 350 mile move?) or getting rid of him.

I grew up in an abusive home. My father was a great dad, but a violent alcoholic, by turns. My sister and I learned to disappear and just try to be invisible, spending hours on end together in our shared bedroom. We grew into adults who never felt safe and secure. Were very well adjusted, considering, but as a child, I used to wish my mum would leave him.

Just do it. For your kids and for you. thanks

zipzap Wed 19-Feb-14 10:28:23

Definitely set up your own account - think about when're or not you want them to send post to your house or not and if you do online banking you need to remember to clear your browsing history if you have a shared computer so he doesn't spot what you are doing.

louby44 Wed 19-Feb-14 12:30:27

I agree with all the above posters who have said open your own account and start putting small amounts into it.

Where do you do your food shop? I've been saving money by changing my supermarket. Start using Aldi or Lidl and any money you save filter into your account. Where is your Child Benefit paid? Can you change that so it goes directly to you every month? Do you get maintenance from your ex for you DD?

Even if it takes you 6 months just start small.

I still miss my exP. I loved him very much. He was my best friend but he wasn't a good role model to my boys. It took a long time and a lot of courage to end it. He did admit he was horrible to them before he left but he's never apologised. He was always so angry all the time, it was constantly bubbling away under the surface. And I suspect DV in his past relationships - well no, I now know there was DV.

Good luck and keep posting. I'm on here everyday

futuresurfingmum Tue 25-Feb-14 21:50:23

It's so important to remember that you are NOT a failure! That is just the voice in your head (were you victim of bullying or harsh parenting, is that where the voice came from?). Try 'handling' the voice, letting it know it's not in charge, by writing down stuff that you'd say back to it. Stuff like "I'm saving money as quickly as I can so I can get out of here" and "I have a good job". You need to build up your confidence in yourself in order to be the parent you know you can be. Your OH clearly is not in good mental state, but maybe you can't help him right now. Like others have said, its important to look after yourself and the kids first. Go for it!

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