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Am SO bloody cross!

(9 Posts)
Eliza22 Mon 17-Feb-14 21:05:06

Ok. So, just quickly for those who don't know.....

I'm NOT the OW. Have been married 4 years and in a relationship with DH for 9 years. I have a ds and he has 3, now aged 20, 23 and 25. His youngest never wanted a step mum (she was 15 when we married) and has been estranged for nearly 3 years. I don't miss her. DH supports me as he maintains, I treated them all the same, was kind, welcoming and tolerant of bad behaviour and we made allowances for his youngest daughter's difficulty in accepting mum and dad weren't getting back together. Fuck me, I tried hard and put up with so much from her!

My son has Aspergers and OCD. He adores his eldest step sister and much fuss was made of him by her, in the beginning. He was 5 when she met him, now he's 13. Because of the truly incomprehensible nastiness of youngest sd (aged 20) the eldest has now also distanced herself. For two years there's been no card for birthdays, no phone conversations with ds, basically not even a text saying "how are you?" Yesterday, I glanced at his mobile phone as it's fairly new and we're trying to encourage him to use it. He sent a text to oldest sd and she totally ignored it. His 13th birthday came and went, and it was totally ignored. No card, no text, no phone call, nothing. I loved choosing gifts for both his girls but recently was told that his youngest objected the the choices he made as "it was obvious SHE had HER influence, stamped all over it" shock. My DH has a car with birthday and Xmas gifts piling up, for his two daughters.... Nothing. I'm so cross! Surely, this is just bad manners? And I have no idea what to say to my ds.

His kids are intelligent, privileged, never in want of time/affection/holidays/material stuff from their dad both before and after I came along. Their mums affair ended their 20yr + marriage, yet she is held in such affection and DH and me and ds (by association) are ignored and vilified.

I'm approaching the stage where I want nothing, at all, to do with them. Tonight I deleted the message sent to eldest sd as ds will forget he sent it and that way, it won't hurt him. He's a typical autistic child... No social life/friends so, any contact at all, we encourage greatly!!

I miss her, eldest SD. We got on well, or so I though. I looked forward to hearing about her, her visits, her phone calls and now, it's like we (well, I really, she still calls her dad) don't exist. The youngest sd has done exactly what I though she would..... Alienated eldest sd from us, in support of her. Despicable. If I could walk away from them all, I would.

Any advice? Am I missing something. Have I been a cow?

Frogbyanothername Mon 17-Feb-14 21:37:56


I have days when I feel the same way.

DHs DD and I developed what I thought was a close relationship - she worked for me, we saw more of each other then she saw of DH, she even told DHs parents how much I helped her.
And then, overnight, nothing. Nada. Zilch. As if I've dropped off the planet.

Sometimes I think that it must be me, but I know, rationally, that its not. There's a lot of other stuff going on, and I'm just collateral damage.

I think you are quite right to protect your DS from this; I've taken steps to protect my DD - it's the least we can do given we dragged them into this in the first place.

Not easy though x

Frogbyanothername Mon 17-Feb-14 21:38:36

That was supposed to be thanks

YeahThatsWhatISaid Mon 17-Feb-14 22:30:03

What a sad situation. I feel sorry for everyone but especially for your son. Is your DH able to contact them at all? I don't think you have much control over this at all. Does your DS have other cousins or friends who can act as 'surrogate' siblings?
Hopefully, your DSKids will grow up and you can all slowly build up a relationship again. I would try not to worry about it too much and try and distance yourself from the situation. Sorry, I haven't got any advice.
Good luck.

shey02 Mon 17-Feb-14 23:43:24

Hugs, you've clearly done all you can over the years. Shame that for alot of us here, we do not reap what we sow with dsc. Luckily your relationship has survived and you are still a team.

They are adults, detaching totally from them is all you can do to preserve your inner peace.

WeekendsAreHappyDays Mon 17-Feb-14 23:49:20

I have banned my sd from mine and my children's lives because of her habit of treating like her favourite plaything then disappearing from their lives. They are not puppets they are little people with feelings.

There is more too it but until she proves that she can commit to them they are better off without her.

Eliza22 Tue 18-Feb-14 10:12:54

Thanks for the replies, all. I know, they're adults and I can do nothing. I was always powerless and at the mercy of their judgement! Youngest sd judged me early on and ignored me and was rude in such a way that had she not been DH's daughter, I'd have just stopped trying.

DH is in contact with all 3 of his kids. It's not as in-death as it was because they're grown ups, with lives and jobs and live some distance from us. I suppose when I saw the text to his eldest on my son's phone and no reply, I just felt cross because he has the maturity of a ten yr old, he's been really poorly (still is) and I think that she, as a 25 yr old, could have sent back a "I'm good thanks! How're you? What you up to?" one liner. If nothing else, it would have been polite.

DH knows his daughters have behaved badly and he has said to them and to me that he is not proud and is saddened by their atrocious behaviour. Sometimes he's upset about it and at others he's utterly ashamed. They would like me and my son to go away. Failing that, they can make like we don't exist.

Sadly no, my ds is an only child. He has no friends or anyone other than me on a day to day basis. DH is away a lot. DS sees his dad EOW. He did have one friend but sadly, he's now moved out of the area. DS is so poorly with the OCD ATM, that it's all he can do to get through the day with me prompting him to do the no, he's very much on his own at present. When he's well, I try to get him into group things. We've tried them all and nothing's stuck, yet. The search goes on! smile. He has grown up cousins who send him texts and stuff and we see them when we can. He has one grandparent (my mum) who lives 80 miles away but she sends stuff through the mail for him and texts him/phones all the time. We travelled over to his cousins, this last weekend and my 18 yr old neice was so upset to see him so poorly and unable to cope, even around family. She cried when she saw him. It's really hard for all of us. He's bright you see, his autism would be a doddle but the OCD is crushing. Absolutely crushing.

YeahThatsWhatISaid Tue 18-Feb-14 12:14:36

It really does sound like you are best off without them. I hope everything goes ok with your DS. It must be very difficult girls all of you. thanks and maybe a wine is called for too. smile

YeahThatsWhatISaid Tue 18-Feb-14 12:15:41

Err, I meant to type it must be very difficult for all of you blush

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