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Distance growing between dp's dc and I.

(4 Posts)
shey02 Mon 17-Feb-14 12:08:36

FYI, not the other woman. Met 5 years after my divorce and about 3 years after his. Feeling frustrated and need to vent. My attempts to talk to my dp about this situation have been catastrophic. I cannot talk to him anymore as he appears to value no one above himself and his dc.

So we're in this situation where (after two years and intense pressure from the ex and his kids saying they need 'dad time' ie. time without my kids and I), I only see his kids for a few hours EOW. This couple with intense pressure and tantrums from him to 'treat them as I treat yours', 'love them, play with them, do things for them, care for them'. All of which I dearly want but how to do that in just a few hours a month and when they barely look at me, offer nothing but one word at practically every question I ask?

The other problem I face is that when 'my time' with them rolls around, it is very often shared with another close relative of theirs with children that the dp's children really love. So there's me with my precious hours in which to bond sharing that with someone else and their kids. Talk about feeling excluded, talk about feeling like a third wheel. And this other family also shares their 'family dad time' and they will quite often go off together without dad...? But I'm not allowed to share this time... So do the dc really need just 'dad' time or are they just controlling him because their mother doesn't want them to spend time with me? Am I being unreasonable for this to bug me...?

Thought I had a bit of a breakthrough with dp a few weeks ago, but really he is clueless about how to facilitate a relationship between his kids and me. I don't blame them that they don't want to know me. For one thing, they have no reason to need to like me or bond with me as all I am is dad's gf who they see for an hour or two twice a month. Why should they bother. Starting to lose heart that there is any room for me in their lives and hope that my dp will ever proactively prioritise our future as he 'says' he does.

Chocotrekkie Mon 17-Feb-14 12:14:27

Why don't you show him what you have posted above..

You are never going to bond in an hour shared with others every few weeks - you need time together as a family.

Alternatively you leave them to it and give them all the "dad time" he wants.

Don't you have them in the holidays ? Spending a whole day together doing something fun is surely better than an hour with others.

shey02 Mon 17-Feb-14 19:49:14

Lately, if I mention anything about this situation, he just thinks I'm critisizing his children and him which I am not. It ends up WW3 and I have learnt to hide my disappointments and tears, the pain isn't worth the gain. sad I always just want him to put himself in my position and think how would he feel in my place.

I couldn't agree more about the bonding, totally feel like I am in a no win/no progress situation. I feel that dp uses the other family members as a crutch, to keep the dc happy and to take the pressure off him (and trying to include me in their lives). Just seems like he spends alot of effort facilitating a relationship with dc and others, which they seem capable of embracing, when he should be trying to facilitate a relationship with dc and my kids and I. I think it's lazy or maybe I'm just too sensitive and feeling isolated/insecure.... But I would never treat him like this or let the kids form a close emotional attachment to another man rather than him as an easier more popular option...

I love him so much and he does me, I just feel so unimportant to him.

BuzzLightbulb Tue 18-Feb-14 10:09:01

I agree with ChocoTrekkie.

You need to separate your hopes and feelings about your relationship with his kids from their visits and then tell DP how you feel.

I have found in the past writing down things to be very effective, sometimes as just a way of distilliing thoughts and getting down to the nuts nd bolts, and other times as a way of creating a basis for a healthy conversation.

Or you could start off slow, next time the dsc are due round ask if he has any plans. If he says yes, say you'd like to come along too. If he says no, suggest you all do something together.

But don't expect to feel anything other than a spare part at first, and be prepared for any time you and DP are physically close or talking for any of the children to interrupt.

It's a long slow road, you just need to get them used to being with you and DP, then you can start on the you and DP relationship thing.

If that makes sense.

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