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Problems with my son and step daughter

(9 Posts)
LouiseSmith Sun 16-Feb-14 22:50:56

My DP recently moved in with me, and DSD comes to stay 3 out of 4 weekends a month. When they moved in we re decorated the kids room to things both DSD and my DS would like. Involved them both as mush as possible in the choices. Life has been good, a few teething problems to be expected.

This weekend DSD tried to push my DS off the step ladder to their mid-sleeper bed, I was there so I tried to deal with it. But DSD lied to me (despite the fact id just seem her do it) she then continued to lie to DP for the next 45minutes. No real resolve, she maintains I'm evil lying step mum (damn you Disney) and she can't remember what happened.

She has been told off had a few toys taken away, but I'm terrified about her xoming back next week. I can't exclude her it's unfair, and she's only a child, but my own DS must come first surely? What would you ladies do?

DSD is 6, and DS is 4 btw

RandomMess Sun 16-Feb-14 22:54:19

Supervise them and expect there to be some "fights" - it's completely normal between full siblings. You just need to be aware of triggers and how they treat each other so you know how to deal with it.

I really suggest reading "how to listen so kids will talk and talk so kids will listen" - they are going to struggle with their feelings towards the situation that is going on. "Siblings without rivalry" by the same authors is fantstic too.

MaryPoppinsCarpetBag Mon 17-Feb-14 07:56:27

Sounds pretty normal to me. It's the same between my two full siblings. Previous posters advice is sensible in this situation.

What has your DP said and what do you mean by no real resolve if she's been told off and had toys taken away? And what do you imagine your DS coming first looks like?

RandomMess Mon 17-Feb-14 10:19:04

The books I recommend are full of the psychology behind behaviour and practical advice and how to tailor it to the individuals involved.

6 year olds lie, despite black & white evidence, they aren't emotionally or rationally mature enough at that age. Also she probably feels incredibly conflicted about her feelings towards each of you individually - loving, jealous, angry etc. It is key that you teach children that having conflicted feelings is normal and give them the words they need to express and deal with them in a "healthy" way.

Has she been told to come and get one of you when ds is "annoying" her? If she's an only child she may a weekend with a full on little brother very hard work and need time by herself to recharge in her own space. If they share a room she doesn't get that?

As they don't live together every day it's hard for them to have erm "boundaries" at the start of the school holidays when my eldest was suddenly home dc2 was no longer "top dog" of the littlies and it took a few days for the pecking order to be restablished and some sort of harmony restored!

purpleroses Mon 17-Feb-14 10:57:11

I agree it's normal enough behaviour - had a lot of problems with my DD and DSS when getting used to each other. Would second the suggestion of reading 'siblings without rivalry' - I found that useful.

They do lie at that age, and it's best usually not to back them into a corner over it or get to stressed by it. As long as you and your DP back each other up, they will learn that there are consequences for bad behaviour, but that it's also part of life and they can move on to be friends soem of the time at least too.

I come down heavily on my DCs if they do anything dangerous - and it is really hard seeing another child - especially an older one - doing something dangerous to your own one. The answer is to prevent them having the opportunities where possible - ie supervise more closely, encourage them to come to you with greivances rather than sort them out for themselves, and then - yes - to sanction if they do do something dangerous regardless.

Chaning from being an only child to having a part-time sibling is hard.

NigellasDealer Mon 17-Feb-14 11:01:16

this place is like groundhog day sometimes.

Didnt you post the same problem yesterday?
what's the matter, you didn't like the answers so thought you would re=phrase it slightly?

what happened to 'worried mumma'?

and why should 'your own child' come first?

ffs your 'stepdaughter' must be gutted, having her dad live with another kid and his mum who obviously doesn't like her.

daisychain01 Mon 17-Feb-14 15:01:19

NigellasDealer its a shame you are misrepresenting the situation - Louise posted on AIBU and here on SP board, and was transparent in saying she posted on AIBU where there is more traffic.

My DP recently moved in with me - is a hint that this is a new situation, seems reasonable to ask for the experiences of other DSP's/DParents.

Louise not wanting to repeat other people's advice but just to comment ... children's behaviour can make them react when they feel they are 'under threat' - sort of marking out territory, showing who's boss etc, especially as your DSD probably feels like the outsider because she doesn't live with you all the time.

It would be more constructive to keep a 'watching brief' on the situation and agree with your DP to have ongoing positive, reassuring conversations as a family, so no favourites or side-taking. Best to downplay the circumstances regarding the step ladder, but talk in terms of learning to share, playing fairly together and trying to get along. Just easy stuff, positive affirmations that a 6 and 4 year old can grasp (sorry if it sounds obvious, but being a broken record also helps!)

* "but my own DS must come first surely? ..." to you, it is natural your DS comes first and you may want to always prioritise his needs (even if it's him 'playing up'?), but it may make more sense to look at the 'big picture', otherwise it could become you + DS against DP + DSD.

LouiseSmith Tue 18-Feb-14 16:07:20

This is a new situation, I love my DSD but it was a safety problem and I panicked about my son because he was younger.

I posted on the other board because there was more traffic, maybe I could have worded it a little better. But it's a learning curve for all concerned. Thank you for your advise, I will have a look at the book recommendation.

MsColour Tue 18-Feb-14 18:24:47

I have two of my own dd7 and ds4. My dp has lived with us for 6 months and dss7 lives with us half the time. I find that dss has a tendency to forget that ds is younger in some of the things he does. e.g. today in the swimming pool dss tipped up ds's float because that's what him and dd were doing and he thought D's might like it (totally forgetting that ds is 4 and can't swim). I just find that dd is more sensitive to ds's needs as she's grown up with him and spends more time with him. I don't see it that dss means any harm.

I would imagine that your dsd is just getting used to having a younger child around rather than it being malicious. It is going to be your instinct to protect your own. i'm sure it will be forgotten about by the next visit.

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