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Looks like we can't have children of our own...

(11 Posts)
Gettingmeback Sun 16-Feb-14 01:10:46

My DH and I have been trying to get pregnant for the last 3 years? Done IVF etc. tried everything and I think I might have to start facing a life without children. My DH has a daughter with an ex girlfriend, 9 yrs old. We used to have her EOW but for the last 6 months it's 50/50. She has some social problems which I have raised many times with DH and tried to help him see that the lack of boundaries and lack of consequences for behaviour isn't helping her to understand social norms and expectations. Now the school, change of school 6 months ago, have started to raise it, she was bullied at her last school and this school is concerned she will start and be bullied again. I detached from parenting her very early on because I realised I was facing being used as I babysitter and would become resentful so I haven't allowed that.

I guess I have always thought that when DH and I had our own children I would feel more 'legitimate' in his life and less on the outer of everything. I don't believe he does anything to make me feel like that, it's more my own struggle with infertility, and because my MIL is close friends with DSDs mother, and I have felt she sees them as the family and not myself and DH. Due to having had a child. DH has now told his mother about doing IVF, I said he could, and now I feel even more exposed, useless, ashamed, barren, third wheel than ever. Should say that I know in my gut that MIL thinks I am a bad SM because I don't co-parent or help DH out very much when we have her. I have needed to do that to protect myself as many of you will appreciate.

My thoughts at the moment are, if I can't have my own children, is this the life I do want? I love my DH very much and I think if it just had to be him and I, I could be ok with that. But it's not, I have to share him. And he doesn't fully understand my grief because he has a child. If I can't have a child I will need to find purpose in my life in another way. I should add I find the time that we have her extremely stressful and it now seems to be a constant reminder that him and I will never share that? Am I better off alone or with someone who doesn't have children so it is not in my face all the time?

WaitMonkey Sun 16-Feb-14 09:44:30

I've no advice, I'm not a SM, but I wanted to answer your post. It sounds like your having a really tough time. Is your dh supportive of you ? Who does most of the caring for dsd while she is with you ? Someone will be along soon to offer some advice.

Loveineveryspoonful Sun 16-Feb-14 10:41:13

Re the third wheel feelings...
I have a ds from previous marriage, dh had a vasectomy after dsd and dss and made it clear to me at the beginning of our relationship that he didn't want any more (actually said he'd only wanted dsd, had felt forced into dss). I was 42 when we met, so there was still a good chance and I was really cut up about it. As he's turned out to be a Disney dad, it's probably just as well...
BUT I have never felt truly his wife for not having a child between us and I feel bad for ds not having a proper sibling. I have also stopped trying to parent dsc, our opinions just differ too much. I may not have felt this if dh had been a tad more considerate towards me, but he put his kids on a pedestal and when ex said jump, he asked how high.
I'm beginning to think that there is no ideal family form when taking on dsc. And from the threads here its clear that many sms feel their dc are taking a back seat to dsc.
I think you've been very brave so far, I don't think I could stay in a relationship with dh and his dsc if I didn't have at least my ds.
Wishing you all the best.

russianfudge Sun 16-Feb-14 16:48:34

I just want to offer support too. Most of the shit I put up with as a step mum is made bearable by the fact that he puts up with his fair share as a step dad. I often feel that no one listens to me on how to parent his dd which would feel even more demeaning if I couldn't look at my dd and know I get it right most of the time.

I really feel for you and I think most of us on this board can relate to the feeling that if we could do it all again, we'd pick a man without children, regardless of the other nuances of our various set ups so you may feel similar frustrations even if you did have your own child.

Please try not to worry about being judged for being hands off with your dsd, if you were hands on, you'd be judged for "over stepping" you're damned if you do and damned if you don't in this game.

Does he know how you feel?

eslteacher Sun 16-Feb-14 19:04:47

I have no advice, but I just wanted to offer sympathy and support. You sound so nice and in such a difficult, unfair position. As a SM who isn't sure I want children of my own, I struggle to put myself in your shoes and offer advice. But I hope you find a way to make the decision that brings you the most peace and happiness.

CountryGal13 Sun 16-Feb-14 20:34:36

What an awful thing for you to go through x

My sister was in a very similar situation, after many years of trying for a baby and after hitting 40 she had to accept that she wouldn't have children of her own. She also has a sd. I know because of it all she became depressed and I noticed that she was very short and snappy with her step daughter. I'm pretty sure that she felt similar to you. She eventually had some councilling and it was a big turning point for her and although I'm sure it still hurts she's so much better now.

I don't think leaving your DH is the answer at all. It sounds like you have a good relationship and that's something to be thankful for x

PaulaFletch14 Sun 16-Feb-14 21:31:31

I feel the same. I'm 39 and my fiancé has two daughters from his first marriage. We are trying for kids of our own but I've recently had a miscarriage. I have no kids from my first marriage. I too distance myself from his kids to protect myself. I feel like second best, not a real women and feel like his family think I'm less important than first wife because they have kids. We're getting married in august and like you I'm questioning if I should be on my own as don't think I can handle it if I don't have kids of my own. I love my partner to bits and he's everything I ever wanted. Just wanted you to know you're not on your own and I understand how you feel

Gettingmeback Sun 16-Feb-14 22:19:44

Thank you so much to everyone who has offered their support. My DH is a wonderful person. He knows how I feel but he doesn't know how deeply it affects me every day. He asks me to always let him know if things are happening which are hurtful or making it harder for me and he will doing something about it. And he does. I feel hopeful and sad to hear others feeling like me and really understanding what it's like. I can't talk to anyone because it's so deeply personal. I fear I am at risk of becoming depressed, like your sister CountryGal, and think I should probably go and talk to someone. Thank you again to everyone it means the world to me.

VoyageDeVerity Sun 16-Feb-14 22:25:02

I really feel for you and completely understand how confused you must feel. I don't know what to advise, but having SC before I had DD I know exactly what you mean when you say you are missing a bond. But it doesn't have to pan out this way forever.

Good luck.

RedFocus Mon 17-Feb-14 12:06:34

I feel exactly the same as love.
My husband had the snip because his ex wife begged him to and then during recovery ran off with some other bloke shock charming!
To be fair I'm not bothered but I do feel that I am not seen as a proper wife because I didn't have his children. His ex wife is actually higher ranking than me in his family which is why we have gone no contact unless absolutely necessary and life is great without them!
My husband loves my kids to death thankfully but if I didn't even have one child I don't think I could have coped so op your are a better person than me. Good luck with the IVF!!

Kaluki Mon 17-Feb-14 23:17:16

Same situation as Redfocus. DPs ex pushed him into having the snip then had an affair and got pregnant by the OM within a year so no babies for us.
If I didn't have my own dc I couldn't have put up with all the shit we've been through with the ex and the dsc.
OP I really feel for you and hope things work out for you whatever you do.

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