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WWYD - new shoes

(24 Posts)
AbsolutelyNoIdea Sat 15-Feb-14 11:12:44

Small, minor thing but I'm probably about to make a mistake, so please stop me!

DSS (10) arrived for his weekend visit. It was tipping it down and the first thing he did was take off his socks and shoes, complaining they are soaked. I checked his shoes and they had massive (the size of a 50p piece) holes and cracks in the soles where they had worn through. They were leaking last time he visited us 2 weeks ago, so that means the poor boy has been walking to school in this rubbish weather for a fortnight in a pair of leaky shoes and his mum hasn't bought him a new pair (we've checked with him/his siblings).

They are now sitting on the bin and he's wearing a pair of summer shoes. I want to throw the old ones away, but....

DH and his ex's agreement is that she buys all their clothes. So if I buy a new pair, both DH and Ex will have their nose put out of joint. If I return them I'm not convinced he'll get a new pair anytime soon. If I bin them, will ex be cross? Should I care if she is?

Please tell me I can just bin them. He can't wear them again and apart from anything else, they honk.

Smartiepants79 Sat 15-Feb-14 11:16:23

I would have thought his Mum would be grateful she's not got to pay for them anymore but...
I would definitely check with your DH first, surely he would be ok with it if you asked?

whereisshe Sat 15-Feb-14 11:18:55

Can the shoes be a gift? Belated Xmas present or early birthday? It will still be a comment on the previous shoes but it might be a necessary catalyst for a conversation about the clothes purchasing arrangement- she obviously is struggling financially and it's not fair on the kid to bear the brunt of that.

Geneticsbunny Sat 15-Feb-14 11:19:10

Surely the DS is the most important one in the equation? Buy a new pair but just get a cheap set and don't bin the old ones. Send him back with both pairs and say that they were wet so you got some dry ones for him. Don't make a big fuss and hopefully neither of them will notice too much. If they do just say that you were worried about him and didn't want him to be uncomfortable. What parent would argue with someone wanting to help their child?

SoonToBeSix Sat 15-Feb-14 11:22:38

Just bin them and buy him new shoes. The adults need to grow up and put their son first.

RandomMess Sat 15-Feb-14 11:25:53

New pair but send the old ones back with him. Perhaps a pair of cheap wellies too?

His Mum may have been waiting for half term or perhaps thinking she didn't want to buy him a new pair that will get ruined first day all the awful weather we're having.

MuttonCadet Sat 15-Feb-14 11:26:15

Buy a new pair, but please don't bin the old ones. Send both pairs back, it's really not worth the hassle.

Frustrating that you're having to do this, but it's important that he gets shoes that don't have holes in them.

MuttonCadet Sat 15-Feb-14 11:27:11

What parent would argue with someone wanting to help their child?

You'd be surprised, honestly.

AbsolutelyNoIdea Sat 15-Feb-14 11:51:14

What MuttonCadet said.

She's not struggling financially. But a good point about half term. I've just remembered that the same thing happened with DSD's shoes last year, 2 weeks before the end of term. DH had to buy her new shoes after I badgered him. Not sure why she would wait until half term though - she works part-time, so surely it's easier to go shoe shopping before everyone else does the same.

DSS has wellies and some summer shoes here, so he's not without shoes while he's here. DH doesn't want to get in the habit of buying their clothes which I understand, given that he pays a generous maintenance and all clothes that DH has bought end up back at their mums never to be seen again.

However I think I will find a cheap pair and send them all back with DSS. In the meantime, his old ones can live out in the garden.

ginmakesitallok Sat 15-Feb-14 12:03:21

What's more important, making sure he has watertight shoes or giving them ammunition for a childish argument ? Just buy him new shoes

TheMumsRush Sat 15-Feb-14 12:08:16

Get new shoes and send both back, silly as that is to send them back but you'd be surprised at the turf war that can go on when it comes to who bought what sad

chandlery Sat 15-Feb-14 12:11:46

Could you get them mended at timpsons? They usually do same day repairs?

Tuckshop Sat 15-Feb-14 13:31:22

I would buy a pair of shoes to keep at yours so he doesn't wear his school shoes out at weekends. And see if mum wants you to get school shoes at the same time. If not send him home with them so she can sort it.

I found it so much easier just to have a few things for DSD so it didn't matter what she came in/with.

And dd has gone to school with holes in her shoe as she didn't tell me they were leaking! I work part time and it isn't easy with our timetable to get to the shops in the week, its definitely a half term or holiday job for us.

purpleroses Sat 15-Feb-14 14:57:52

I wouldn't buy them now - I almost always do things like shoe shopping at half terms - she might well be planning to do that. Has DSS shown his mum how bad the shoes are?

If the relationship is amicable your DH could give his ex a ring and say that you or he are going into town anyway and would she like you to pic up some new shoes for DSS (on the understanding that she pays you back for them).

If it is difficult, then best that DSS just tells his mum he needs new shoes.

Buying a spare pair to keep at yours is an option, but could mean paying for shoes that hardly get worn if his feet grow fast.

AbsolutelyNoIdea Sat 15-Feb-14 21:00:06

Communication with the ex is very limited. I've never met or talked to her.

We tried the 'buy a few things for when they stay with us' thing but they all drifted back to their mums never to be seen again. <sigh>

DSS says his mum is planning to buy him shoes this week. So he can make do for a couple of days. The offending shoes have been binned. Thank the lord, because they were so smelly they were about to walk out of the house by themselves.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sat 15-Feb-14 21:32:14

Both sides here

Ds1 never tells me until his shoes have practically fallen off his feet that he needs new ones.
No I don't check. Must be a bad mother lol
In my defence it's been his responsibility to tell me since he was 12, thought that was a fair age

On the other hand, dsc have arrived here with no pants, socks, and holes in their shoes.
I've just brought new ones, and sent both sets back.
It's for the child's benefit, sod the adults.
If she moans, or he does, just say ' I wasn't undermining you, I saw them while I was out shopping and thought dss would look nice in them ' end conversation.

If it was me I'd be grateful smile

daisychain01 Sat 15-Feb-14 22:23:05

We tried the 'buy a few things for when they stay with us' thing but they all drifted back to their mums never to be seen again

OK so the clothes drift back over there to their mum's house, but presumably they still get worn by the DSCs so that's something isnt it?

I know how irritating it is, it was a constant issue with us always buying school shoes, school bags time after time, in the end we just gave up trying to keep up with all the messing about it was just not worth it. It was always done to wind up DH without a doubt so we didn't give her the satisfaction.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Sun 16-Feb-14 03:18:19

Actually p's ex used to take great delight in selling or breaking things we had brought the sc's - blush
One wonders why they do it.
I despise my ex but if he buys things for ds I'm pleased a) for ds and b) because I don't have to buy it grin

Cabrinha Sun 16-Feb-14 09:10:37

Why on earth are you asking mumsnet instead of your husband, the child's father?

Unless things are very tight financially, I would hate to stick to a rule that I wouldn't buy my own child a pair of shoes because I'd already paid maintenance. Holes the size of a 50p?

I'd have spoken to his father, and the minimum I'd have done is bag up the shoes and sent him home in the wellies that I "owned".

If there is any tension between them - sounds it - I wouldn't have binned the shoes. No need for confrontation - shoes in bag, wear wellies. And frankly so what if the wellies don't come back, it's his son.

Tuckshop Sun 16-Feb-14 09:57:48

I don't get why they would wear their school shoes over weekends. I also don't see why you wouldn't have shoes at yours for them that stay with you. I don't see anything wrong with just telling the children they are to stay at yours, so they don't have to carry them from house to house and so that they don't have to wear/wear out their school shoes.

purpleroses Sun 16-Feb-14 13:31:09

??? @ tuck shop My DSC don't carry their shoes from house to house. They wear them on their feet confused
My own DC do the same when they go to their dad's. Shoes are expensive and get outgrown quickly. They're not really something you can afford to have at each household. Though I presume the OP's DSS has something he can go home in

Tuckshop Sun 16-Feb-14 14:11:14

I may be making an incorrect assumption that as he arrives in school shoes he is going straight from school?

Dd has school shoes that are really expensive - but cheaper ones to wear at the weekend. Her last pair to keep at her Dad's were about a tenner. I wouldn't want her wearing out her school shoes climbing trees!

russianfudge Sun 16-Feb-14 16:37:12

Sometimes kids shoes go from a little bit worn (I'll go in half term) to absolutely worn through (oh fuck someone's going to call SS!) in a matter of a day or two.

Could dad text her and say "ds's shoes have just died due to the rain, we'll buy him some over the weekend but wanted to check you haven't already done so" that way it gives her the heads up, she may offer to pay for them, and it gets her off the hook for being slack because your dp is excusing it for her with the assumption that it just happened.

Does he only have one pair of shoes for school and weekend??

AbsolutelyNoIdea Sun 16-Feb-14 17:11:15

Oh my. This is still going. All sorted now thanks!

Thanks for the points of view. DSS is in his canvas trainers (he hates them!) but at least he has dry feet. For the record, he seems only to have one pair of shoes (trainers) for school and everything.

cahbrina - yes things are v tight financially. Yes i have spoken to DH. But you miss the point. It's not the money, it's about DH and ex responsibilities, the lack of communication and not wanting to make a difficult situation worse.

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