Ready to walk - horrible Step kids, Ex Wife & DP not much better

[spillingthebeans]

Have been wanting to post for some time but it's all such a mess I don't know where to start!!

Been with DP for 3 years, volatile relationship but love him very much. I moved into his place a few months ago, we'd been living between his and mine prior to this. About 6 weeks after I moved in his eldest 2 children (pre teens) turned up on the doorstep after having a row with their mother and wanted to stay. We rang her to let her know they were safe etc. She screamed and shouted, called the police - she hates me and wants her kids to have nothing to do with me. Nothing came of it and they have been here ever since (5 or 6 weeks).

She wont let the other children come here so DP has to go and see them at least twice a week including a weekend day. He is due back in court in a couple of weeks to get the children to come here as we are both unhappy with him going to Ex's home but so far the court seems to be happy with the arrangement, i'm hoping the fact that 2 of the now live with us will make the judge see sense.

I have one child living with us who is very quiet, quite geeky, studious, no trouble - not just saying that because he is mine, I have an older child who was a pain in the bum!! I have a very good relationship with my ex and we parent well together, he has our child 2 nights per week.

Since DP's 2 have moved in i've done everything I can to make them welcome, gone and bought beds, bedding, set up the living room as their bedroom, cooked food they like, taken an interest etc. but also taken a back seat as it's very early days and they don't know me that well. I probably should say here that I have been a step mother before in my previous marriage and had a good relationship with my now adult step children, it wasn't easy but we got there in the end.

Now for the issues:

DP gives them whatever they ask for (for example - he bought another ps3 so they had one each in the same room, they then argued over a game screaming and shouting, really nasty behaviour so he went straight out and bought a duplicate of the game!?!)

They treat the house appallingly, they never take plates out, lie in bed and drop sweet wrappers on the floor, spill drinks, washing all over the floor. When asked to tidy up they moan, shout abuse and the last time the youngest decided to go back to Mums (changed his mind when he got there!)

DP pleads with them 'please do ..... for Daddy' in such a drippy way instead of just telling them to bloody do it. Honestly it drives me mad and I have lost so much respect for the man, it's like he is scared of his own children. They certainly have no respect for him and know that nothing will happen if they don't do what he has asked.

I appear to be the live in Nanny! I work from home so am a sitting target, if the children are off school ill/inservice day. Last week he allowed one of them to stay up on a school night until past 2am, I told him he was being irresponsible and that it would be difficult in the morning, so next morning said child was 'ill' couldn't get out of bed, felt sick etc. I told DP he would have to stay home with him then or take him to his mothers (a SAHM). I was completely disregarded and told he would be fine on his own and DP sauntered off to work leaving me to it!

They have been off school today and again I have been left with them even though mine is at his fathers. DP says they are old enough to be left alone all day - I disagree. I am obviously right because I popped out at lunchtime for 2 hours, came back and they + 2 friends had been in our bedroom and completely trashed the room, sweets everywhere, rubbish, drinks spilt all over the bed. This is the only room we have - I live, work and sleep in one bloody room and even that isn't sacred!

Their diet is appalling, no veg or fruit, DP gives them money every morning and they buy sweets, chocolate, fizzy drinks - not just a little treat, as in todays incident there were 6 2ltr bottles of tizer, 6 packs of sweets (the size you get in the cinema), crisps etc. And DP still buys more for them 'because they like them..'

There is so much more but I have waffled on so much! Think I need a place to vent and get advice - hopefully this is it.

I'm actually moving out on Sunday into a larger place, DP wants him and the kids to come with me - I'm not so sure! :(

[ButEmilylovedhim]

Cricket OP! No personal experience but I would so move just myself and my child into the new place and let the others get on with it!

[ButEmilylovedhim]

That was meant to say crickey. I do feel for you. What a situation. Sorry I've no advice. Sure the wise ones will be along soon.

[spillingthebeans]

Thanks - I'm trying to keep calm right now, I texted DP this afternoon what had happened and have heard nothing, I'm refraining from sending a shitty text asking if he actually gives a shit about me or his kids! He left at 8.15 this morning, not sure how he thinks those children can look after themselves for all this time???

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

Move out with your dc and tell him nobody else is invited as they obviously have no respect for your home or your work, him included.

Leaving them at home 'on their own' would be all well and good if he had to come home to the mess, food and spills, but as you work at home you're bearing the brunt of his poor parenting.

He sounds like a man child and I would lay it on the line, you can't share a home with someone you don't respect.

[lunar1]

Take your child to the new house and never look back! You would be mad to expose your children to this environment if you have a choice.

[RedFocus]

Another vote for moving out! Sounds bloody awful op and not something that will change over night I'm afraid. Good luck with the move.

[balia]

Run like the fucking wind.

[Hawkmoth]

Walk.

[Bagpussss]

Run :)

[Hawkmoth]

Obviously not as dramatic as "run like the fucking wind"... But seriously, get out.

[HectorVector]

If you feel like this after 5-6 weeks then I think you really need to reconsider your living arrangements.

[HansieMom]

I'm so glad you are moving out Sunday. It's your ticket to freedom. Leave them to it. Rejoice!

[spillingthebeans]

Sorry for the delay responding - he came home at 6.40pm didn't even ask how I was, said 'i'd better go see the little monkeys' - wtf??? He went into their room and just said 'what have you been up to hey?' then said 'at least you've tidied up a bit' (I can hear rustling) so I sneaked out of our room and saw him picking up all the crap from the floor!! Fucking dick

Just served dinner up for all of them - one has now decided he doesn't like roast chicken (maybe if he hadn't eaten so much shite all day he might be hungry!)

Then he came in and was really uncommunicative with me. He rang his Ex to ask to visit the kids tonight (leaving me alone with the other 2) She said no when he said he had planned to take me out for a meal for valentines, so he said i'll come and see them Saturday Morning - she said no, he should put his kids first and if he can't see them tomorrow night he can't see them until next week!

So he has decided to go round to his Ex's house tomorrow - she will be happy and i'm fucking walking, sod this! So bloody upset right now

Oh... and 'it's for the children'...

She'll be laughing her arse off

Fuck the fuck off!!!! Am angry at myself for putting up with this shit for so long - he's ruined every single special occasion by bowing down to her and still I give him the benefit of the doubt because I love the stupid bastard.

I keep letting him hurt me ffs - i'm literally aching so much with hurt and he's making small talk and reading a magazine!!!! :(

[spillingthebeans]

I just don't know how someone can sit there with no emotion when the person they proclaim to love is sat there in pieces??? If I hurt him (which I wouldn't) I would feel absolutely awful and do whatever I could to make things right.

[LyndaCartersBigPants]

How awful, he sounds really weak. So sorry for you, I know to us it all seems very black and white, but it must be really hard for you to have to end your relationship with a man who (despite his obvious flaws) you love.

Honestly though, he isn't putting you anywhere near high enough up the food chain. Bad enough to be behind the kids, but he's putting his ex's needs and wishes before yours too. Fuck that. Thank goodness you already have an escape route.

If you're lucky he will see this as a massive wake up callan d mend his ways, but sadly I doubt it.

[Cabrinha]

Thank goodness you're moving out! Was it supposed to be a temporary move in with him then?

That sounds awful. I wonder how long, without you there, before he packs the kids off back to their mum to live?

He just sounds useless, sorry.

[TheScience]

Move out!

You're never going to improve his parenting. He will always be weak and drippy and it will just make you angrier and angrier.

You can live apart and keep seeing each other until his children are grown!

[Letsstopwiththechoccis]

Aww hope you are ok Op. Sounds horrible, what's stopping you from leaving him on Sunday? Do you think you will be happier in this situation or on your own. Personally I couldn't handle it and I would have to leave with my child. It seems until he grows some balls the ex will rule the roost in your family home! X

[spillingthebeans]

Cheers guys - I moved in here before moving on but it could have been permanent if all had gone well, he's buggered off into the kids room now (safe I guess - no hastle from the meanie emotional adult!)

Fuck it hey? Onwards and upwards, roll on Sunday. Those kids are screwed though, they are both as bad as each other unfortunately :(

[spillingthebeans]

Do you think seeing each other but not living together would work? Not sure I actually trust him tbh. His youngest is 6 so it's a long time to be boyfriend & girlfriend - feel like every day I waste i'm getting older and saggier should this not work out!! lol

[Mynabrid]

Walk away and don't look back. Imagine another 10+ years of this or constant fighting with him for anything to change and being demonised because you are preventing him from having a relationship with his kids. Imagine when they really start feeling comfortable and start exerting authority over your ds, bulling him or worse, turning him into one of them!! Imagine what it'll be like when the younger ones decide to come and live there too because he lets them do what they want! It sounds like neither of their parents can be bothered to parent them so why the hell should you have to, with no rewards from them or him? Go and make a nice home for you and your ds. Be strong x

[TheScience]

If you don't trust him then the relationship isn't going anywhere anyway - cut your losses.

[ToughSpuds]

I'd walk away. Sorry your going through this

[daisychain01]

beans it is heartbreaking, please please get him out of your life. You deserve better treatment, you certainly do not need a spineless coward who cant parent his offspring clogging up your life and contributing a negative environment for your own DCs.

Put your DCs first, he doesn't do that for his, otherwise he wouldn't be abusing them by buying them rubbish instead of good nutritious food and not giving them tough love and discipline.

Make the move, you can do it.