Finally!
For those who have been following my journey, there is a glimmer of light at the end if the tunnel.
Today, CAFCASS recommended DH and his ex attend the SPIP, and that a wishes and feelings report was carried out. The court agreed, and directed both. At DHs request, they also directed a single period of contact between DH and DS during half term for one afternoon. It's been 5 months since any direct contact.
DHs ex didn't do herself any favours (argued about the SPIP, wouldn't agree to the contact etc) and CAFCASS made it clear that DHs DS would be interviewed alone, somewhere neutral and that they would be looking for signs of coaching or attempts to try and influence him.
Maybe I was a bit hasty in my condemnation of the system.
What undoubtedly helped was the documented concerns that DH has raised over the years with SocServ. Oh, and CAFCASS and SocServ are confident that DH is not emotionally abusive - so I can reassure my DDs Dad, too 
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Frogbyanothername · 12/02/2014 20:47
I'm sure that DHs DS will be like a bunny in the headlights during the CAFCASS interview; not knowing what to say in case its the 'wrong' thing - because his Mum has been so inconsistent (one minute saying that DH is an unfit father and she'll 'strike him off', the next berating DH for not wanting contact - all in front of their DS) he has absolutely no idea what is right or wrong in his Mums eyes and doesn't know how to keep her happy. Couple that with the anger and violence he has witnessed against his sister when SHE displeased their Mum, and he'll be a very scared child indeed 
A few months ago, DH met DS at school for a few minutes, and his DS said to him that he didn't want to see him. When DH asked 'why?', his DS prefixed his answer with the phrase "this is going to sound like Mum talking, but I believe it too...." And went on to explain how he thought that DH makes decisions and does things that his Mum disagrees with in order to make her life difficult and that's why he didn't want to see DH. I am certain that if he says similar things to CAFCASS, it will further reinforce their apparent suspicions that Mum is hostile to contact - but there have been lots of other reasons given for not wanting contact as well, so who knows.
The positive thing is that he has now, apparently, told his mum that he does want to see DH (a complete change from 5 weeks ago, when he told her that he wasn't bothered). It's obvious that his Mum is discussing the court case with him - something else I think CAFCASS may have picked up on.
DH is not expecting a sudden reconciliation - but if he can at least remain on the periphery of his DS life for the next few years, then when he's older, he can make choices for himself. We are a little more optimistic that if DHs DS begins to have some contact again, his DD may choose to do the same - although that depends on the sanctions her Mum puts in place.
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