Just completely lost it this weekend - now don't know how to resolve things.(80 Posts)
so this weekend I finally just lost it completely with DP.
Previous posts from me on here (and the very helpful advice provided from many on here in response) I won't repeat.
Typing this, it all seems very silly, petty, selfish and just that I look like a vile bitch but on top of all the previous issues (lack of date night, access by proxy when DP wants to go out on his bike and leave me with DSD etc etc) but this weekend:
1) he suggested going out for a curry on Sunday night (hurray - he finally suggests treating me for what I thought I was supposed to be, his new girlfriend of less than a year), but no, it transpires that by some miraculous coincidence one of his friends will be going there too. It is IMPOSSIBLE to try and suggest nicely that I would like us, just the two of us, to be able to go out without being usurped by any other better offer that comes along (mates, deciding he'd like his daughter for extra night that week) usual stuff I have posted before. In the end I said fine, I'll drop you off there so you can have a drink with your mates, and we ended up not going out.
2) I had the nerve to suggest that I found it difficult 'integrating' into the house (note house, not home, as it doesn't feel like one to me) because of little things like it's still the old voicemail message on the phone, it's still the old code on the burglar alarm (combination of his and the Ex birthdays). I know this will seem utterly daft to many of you but it's all these little things just drip, drip, drip that make me feel like I do not and never will fit in.
3) I don't have my own kids so this may be contentious / inflammatory to some of you but there are bloody hundreds of DSD photos (quick count and I got to 27) around the house, including the scan pic / birth pic (DSD is 9.5 now) and nothing that says anything about the two of us. I could be paranoid but he uses Facebook daily (counted in terms of hours it seems) but I don't think I've ever been mentioned once in his posts. I said nothing about the ordinary pics of DSD but mentioned the scan pic and said I felt uncomfortable about it - pic of Ex womb on display on the bookshelf in the lounge and perhaps that was better for his private collection. He went nuts and said 'have you any idea what you're asking me to do'. Well no I haven't - I didn't ask him to chuck it out, just said I felt uncomfortable having to look at it every time I walk across the room to switch the TV on, or shut the curtains.
I have tried gentle persuasion previously to change very minor things around the house, not even to 'put my stamp on it' a phrase I think some people use, but more to make life a little more efficient / bearable for me. Te last time I tried to do something - swapping the contents of a couple of shelves around in the kitchen to avoid stuff cascading down on me as I try to cook - he got really annoyed and said that DSD would probably be 'very traumatised by the changes and have you any idea how difficult this is for her - she wasn't sure where the tissues were'. Yes, he used the word 'traumatised' IN THE SAME SENTENCE AS FINDING SOME TISSUES (which, btw, I had put on the bottom shelf, next to her things, and told her where they were). I felt like shouting back (re being traumatised) 'didn't you think of that when you split up with the ex' but bit my tongue... We're not talking about me redesigning the whole f*cking kitchen while he's out, just me suggesting IN ADVANCE and saying I was going to move some herbs/ spices and the contents of the first aid shelf FFS (so it was on the top shelf right out of DSD reach as with her little step she could reach the lower shelf it was on previously).
I tried (not in the same 'discussion' this weekend, just earlier the other week) to bring up the thorny subject of holidays and how it would be nice if he could find time for the two of us to take a holiday together, as we might do in the early stages of a 'normal' relationship. I would pay for all of this. He's basically said he doesn't think so as he'll need to take time off for DSD during school hols. He gets 30 days a year and this last annual leave year had to do the 'use it or lose it', taking days off for no reason thing, using up the last 3 days entitlement (we'd only need 5 for a week off, 4 if it was a bank hol) apparently he needs to keep them spare for some racing as well as DSD hols. He managed it all last year with room to spare, I don't understand. He also wanted me to go away for a whole week with him and DSD. I said it was too much for me in our first year, and first four months of living together (we'll have been together a year in April, if I make it that far). I get 20 days annual leave. I can't see how it's OK for me to be expected to give up a quarter of my entitlement to go on holiday with a child that isn't mine, but he can't spare a fifth of his, for some time with me. Even a long weekend or two would be something!! There is a thread on here in which pretty much everyone seemed to think it was absolutely not a problem for new coupld to go away leaving kid behind. It's not as if DSD doesn't have decent holiday she had Rome with DP and Ibiza with the Ex in a year.
The arrangements this week are that DSD will be here on Friday, he doesn't 'do' Valentines Day apparently. He's never asked me if I 'do', for the record.
I am about to walk away from all of this because I cannot deal with this any longer.
Please post me in the direction of a single man from mid 30s to mid 40s WITH NO F*CKING KIDS!!
And my massive apologies to anyone I have offended with any of above rant as you've been amazingly kind and helpful to me.
Oh dear, it sounds like you moved in to quick. It seems like he still sees you as the new girlfriend. I wouldn't worry too much about the house not feeling like its yours - that would naturally change in time, however, it seems a bit that he is not keen to spend time with you. What about suggesting a weekend away?
Overall, I would either considering packing it all in or trying to be a lot more patient and seeing how things go. I don't think getting angry with him will do anything other than expedite the end of the relationship. I think you need to make a decision about how much you want to put into this.
He doesn't value you or your relationship, you know it and you know what you need to do.
Plenty more fish and all that, especially for someone without kids
It's the tissue trauma comment that worries me .....
I haven't read any of your other threads. But from this post, walking away from all this sounds like the right thing to do. I don't think your dp sees you as his life partner. You are just there to make his life easier.
I think you are being unreasonable about the scan picture and me & dh have to use all our holidays for childcare
But it does sound like he's not ready for a committed relationship tbh
how long has this been going on now?
how many dates/plans has he cancelled or changed when something better crops up?
to be honest i think even if he didn't have dd it would be something else that would be more important than you are, as it has been with friends and bikes. the relationship isn't meeting your needs and is damaging your self esteem. ltb
You're not mad
You're not being unreasonable
The things that piss you off are normal enough things you have to deal with with a DP with kids but your DP's reaction to you bringing them up seem to say very strongly that he doesn't really want a serious partner in his life right now. He values his mates, his DD and having a GF for fun when you can be fitted into his existing priorities It doesn't sound like that's what you want.
We've had conversations about nearly all the things you mention - answerphone message, rearranging things in the kitchen and DP's impressive array of huge baby photos plastered all round the bedroom but my DP listens to my concerns and makes me feel his is prepared to make compromises to make it my home too. I know I couldn't have stayed with him if he hadn't.
I feel sorry for you op, the scan pic would make me uncomfortable, dh has a scan pic in his album. It was already there before I met him so didn't have to ask. I think you might have to do a bit of soul searching. If it was me, I'd be gone.
I am about to walk away from all of this because I cannot deal with this any longer.
Yep, that is what you should do.
Just to add, our bedroom has one pic of our ds in. None of dsc. Outside out room there are a few more pics of dsc than ds (only a few). Dh went to put a pic of dsc on our room and a asked if I could have this space just for me and no dsc. He was fine with that.
OP, your DP sounds like my DDs Dad (my exH). He has remarried, but my DD comes very much ahead if his DW and I feel daily sympathy for what she is expected to tolerate.
The scan picture - yup, DDs Dad would do that, he has photos of me and DD up in his shared marital home and has absolutely no empathy for his DW perspective. The tissues? Yup, my DDs Dads highest priority is avoiding DD any inconvenience, regardless of how it affects anyone else (but like your DP, he's oblivious to the impact that things HE wants to do has on her).
I'm almost afraid to ask - does your DP still have contact with his ex-PIL? My ex took his DW to visit my parents while they (ex and DW) were on their honeymoon! It goes without saying that the wedding was arranged so that DD could honeymoon with them too.
I don't know what his DW thinks about it - I know I couldn't put up with it - but you are definitely not alone. Maybe it's time to cut your losses? Expect to be barraged with blame regarding the damage you will do to his DD by leaving, though.
Wow you've been living together for 4 months, yet not been together a full year. It's fast by any standards but way too fast for his dd.
I have sympathy with wanting the house organised the way you want it though some of it sounds like you wanting to rock the boat due to your own insecurities (alarm code, scan pic).
I can see why you're confused if on one hand your relationship has moved very fast but in other way he's applying the brakes (holidays, spending time together). Also not impressed with his selfish attitude to valentines day, he needs a woman on his wavelength about that otherwise it's just mean.
Can you not move out & start dating? The current situation of arguments over all sorts is trashing your relationship. If you really have feelings for each other going at a slower pace might help you work things out.
Alternatively give up on him and start again with someone new (he doesn't sound great tbh). But next time take time to get to know each other and develop love & respect for each other before moving in!
Ok thanks all so far.
I've a new job - probationary period up at the start of April so don't want to buy anywhere for myself before then.
I'm the meantime I will breathe deeply, remain calm and discreetly look for somewhere to rent. I've already emailed an agent or two. In fact one has just got back to me...
Yes I need to take things slowly and yes I would love some time on my own. Trying to date seems like a good idea.
I agree with ZenNudist. Move out, gain some distance, independence & perspective and date
someone else again for a while.
Sounds to me like it's all very quick and he hasn't taken into account the fact that women tend to 'nest', hence your reaction to old alarm codes, wanting to re-organise cupboards etc etc as much as he's taken into account the instant babysitting service.
Doesn't seem like a stepparenting issue to me, more of a selfish bastard issue. Mainly exposed by the holidays thing, and you being good enough to be the nanny when he wants a bike ride, but not good enough to make any time for (and I don't mean that his time is precious because he is a NRP, I'm thinking of the curry thing).
I know a couple of guys like this and I have a THEORY. Basically, they are carrying on with their 'emotional' (if that makes sense) lives from where they already were, not as if the clock has been reset with a new partner. So, they have done the single stuff (tick), the courting (tick) the buying house, settling down (tick) the having babies (tick) and - oops, it's fallen apart. I want a new relationship... to slot into the point I'm already at in the Story of My Life
especially as I now have a child to look after and I'd quite fancy an extra pair of hands around the place on that score
It's not conscious, he's not a bastard... but you aren't a girlfriend, you're a replacement wife/mum, with all the taking completely for granted that that sounds as if it entails. Because that's what he wants, really.
You don't want it, and quite right too. Bail.
I agree with the majority of messages on here. You have been together hardly any time at all and you're already living together and he has made no attempt to make you feel happy and settled in your new home. If you are feeling like this already, my advice is run for the hills. Meet someone who can prioritise your needs for a while (someone without kids!) as his commitment to his daughter will not disappear ever. This relationship will only get worse. You should not be having such huge rows and struggles so early on. Take the power back and make the move before he decides it's unworkable and you end up feeling rejected. This will only grind you down over time. You WILL meet someone else. Good luck x
I would move out.
Six months was way too soon to move in with him.
You are way way down the list of his priorities.
And his DD is way down the list of yours. You show no interest in being a step mum (why should you?) and he shows no interest in behaving like a new, romantic partner, instead of the dad to his child.
It sounds far too lacklustre and stressful too soon.
Pack your bags and have fun elsewhere.
bruno your theory is brilliant! That is exactly what my DDs dad has done; after we split he settled with his now DW relatively quickly and picked up where he'd left off in terms if his journey through life!
I agree with moving out. He is not ready to share his home and his life with you, and in fact, shows a profound lack of understanding as to what it actually means.
Ot at least...he'll share his home and his life so long as you slot in to the niche he has carved for you.
You're like wife: The Sequel. You ought to be a fresh start, but you're not. You're a continuation...like Bruno describes.
Woodrunner I do object slightly to you saying I have no interest in being a stepmum that's not really true but too lengthy to explain here - previous posts refer!
The sad thing is that me and DSD get along fine! It's just I'm really struggling with DP and getting to the point where I feel I can't invest emotionally into this relationship unless I get some small thing back.
Pictish, Bruno that's exactly what I tried to explain to him. I said I felt like I was just walking in the shoes of someone else...
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