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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

Struggling with I idea of only one child

38 replies

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 21:18

I have a 13m ds. Two dsc. My dh is looking into getting the snip as he is 100 % he's done having children. At first I was ok with this, hat a bad pregnancy, nearly died during emcs and a difficult first year. But now, after I realise I put way too much pressure on myself, I know I'd love to have another and would handle it differently. Can't help feeling like I'm going to regret this, I'm mid 30 's so not much time, but I know he won't budge. Lucky him with three kids

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TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 21:21

It also pains me to see how my sc are together, and knowing the relationship I had with my own siblings. It hurts to know ds won't have that

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nessus · 10/02/2014 21:33

Can't help feeling like I'm going to regret this

Have you mentioned this to him? Do Dsc live with you f/t?

phoolani · 10/02/2014 21:35

A bit selfish to 'not budge' surely? Your feelings have to be taken into account somewhere, don't they? Have you talked to him?

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 21:41

Dsc are here eow, fri after school till sun evening. He's made it quite clear where he stands, even if we won the lotto!

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TwoLeftHands · 10/02/2014 21:50

So he sees his other children four nights a month? Your ds is essentially an only child. Play the only child talk with him of how ds is used to getting all the attention 24/7 and may get lonely or spoilee etc.

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 21:54

He says the same thing, he feels bad ds won't have that closeness with a sibling but can't face another child. He says ds will have the dsc but the dsc already shut ds out his/their room when they are here and play together poor ds, sits on the other side of the door and cries. It breaks my heart.

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TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 21:56

Dsc don't mean to leave him out, they are 7 &12 and want to play boisterous games but ds love when they are here, he follows them everywhere

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ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 10/02/2014 22:00

If he absolutely won't budge it depends whether you want another baby more than you want a relationship with him ..
You may have to leave and start a relationship with someone who is happy to consider more children.
Don't dismiss your feelings. You only live once, also resentment will breed and fester and eventually cause problems.
Don't go for the 'accident' route tho (not saying you would) as that would come with its own problems and resentment ect

sighbynight · 10/02/2014 22:00

My sister is in a very similar boat. She just has the one, and it was made clear to her by her husband that there would be no more. Her child is 12 now, and she says, bar nothing, only having the one child is the biggest regret of her life. It saddens her daily. So, I understand when your husband is coming from, but you must be heard on this. This is a major life choice for you too.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 10/02/2014 22:02

Sorry if I sound harsh or abrupt just trying to be quick and clear x
I know how you feel - x

TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 22:05

Thanks, I'd never go down the "accident" route. It would have to be a joint thing as he would resent us both. I'm going to have to talk to him, it may be a surprise as I've always told him one is ok for me, but I don't think he will be that surprised. His eldest wasn't planned and with someone he didn't love. Then his second was a band aid baby and he felt guilt that dc1 would be an only child! No wonder he's messed up when it comes to kids

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TheMumsRush · 10/02/2014 22:09

Just to add his two dc have the same mum. Dc2 was in hope of their relationship working and a sibling for dc2.

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Viviennemary · 10/02/2014 22:18

I can see why your DH wants to stop at one child since he already has two children with his ex. But on the other hand your feelings should be taken into consideration too. It's a really difficult one when couples don't agree on how many children they should have. I was an only one and longed for a brother or sister. So I said I would have two children if possible which I did. But I wanted a third. DH didn't and said two was enough and we couldn't afford three. But if it happened it happened. It didn't. Hope you work things out.

Kaluki · 10/02/2014 22:43

If the choice for him is have another baby or lose you which would he choose?
I think it's selfish of him to ask you to accept his dsc while denying you another child of your own.
You need to talk to him and tell him how strongly you feel about this.

TheMumsRush · 11/02/2014 06:58

Well I broached the subject this morning, it's a firm no . He said he can't keep doing things he doesn't want to do to keep others happy. Ha said he's not great with children as it is. We are planning to move closer to his kids so he says ds may see them more, go round theirs to play

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purpleroses · 11/02/2014 08:44

There is a one child board on MN - you might want to try posting there as I think there's quite a lot of people there with very positive views on having only one - might be helpful?

TheMumsRush · 11/02/2014 09:04

Thanks purple

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nessus · 11/02/2014 09:46

He said he can't keep doing things he doesn't want to do to keep others happy.

Did he want your Ds? I don't think he is being unreasonable and I am sure you appreciate his honesty on this matter. You have to consider whether this is a matter big enough to live with or walk away for. You don't want to live a life of regret but equally do you want to impose this on your husband or even break up your marriage for this desire.

If this is purely about companionship for your Ds, rest assured that from nursery onwards they begin to have more of a social life! Granted you have to facilitate it but you can help him not experience loneliness by getting him involved in lots of activities and clubs which means meeting lots of new friends and play dates.

TheMumsRush · 11/02/2014 09:59

I think its a bit of both my want to have another, but i think i can get over that. and my want for ds to have a sibling. its good to know that he will have a more social life when he's older. I think dh is wrong in thinking ds will be able to play at his brother and sisters house, by that time, they will not be wanting to play with a baby. there is 6 years between each of them (plus i dont think dh's exp will want that)

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wigglybeezer · 11/02/2014 10:00

I am going to put forward the other point of view: I have three, both my siblings have an only ( through circumstance, not choice ). My DSis and DBRO are able to be much more attentive parents whilst still having their own interests. Their kids are calmer and better " trained" than my three and also better at sharing! In contrast I feel permanently guilty that someone is missing out on something they need!a the moment DS1 is revising for exams at the same time as I am trying to do up an old house, DS2 and DS3 are a bit left on the shelf. MY DN and Dnephew also have more time and money spent on trips and holidays and hobbies as it is very expensive with three. Sometimes siblings don't get on you know, DS1 would have been very happy without his brothers, all this because Dh and I love little babies!
I say cherish your only and try to think of the many positives.

Kaluki · 11/02/2014 10:03

Charming!
I guess that leaves the ball in your court then.
Do you love him enough to give up the chance of another baby or will the resentment build up?
Is it just because you don't want ds to be an only child? The age gap will shrink as they all get older and they will get on better.

TheMumsRush · 11/02/2014 10:13

yes, I think about the fact that I can really focus on him. I wont feel guilty about spending a bit too much on him once in a while and not be able to afford to do that for another. I found a thread pointing out positives and I like the fact I can have a favourite without feeling guilty ;)

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Tuckshop · 11/02/2014 10:31

I get you. I only had one child, as xh already had dsd. It was really hard to come to terms with as I saw all my friends go on to have second and third babies. I was also previously with someone who didn't want children at all. It was an impossible situation with him as he was as entitled to his view as I was - whichever happened one of us was "giving in".

For dd though it wasn't the case that she didn't have that closeness with a sibling. Dsd is her sibling and they are incredibly close, and great company despite the 7 year age gap. As it happens dsd has ended up living with me, and not her mum or dad, so dd has has experienced living with a sibling full time. But that didn't create the closeness, it was already there.

I am really happy now that I didn't go on to have a second with xh. There are lots of positives to having an "only".

croquet · 11/02/2014 10:41

It's a difficult one.

I would be quite stressed if I were you, but also less enthusiastic if dp wasn't keen. Has he been honest from the start?

I think if he always told you only 1 then that's ok, but if he only announced it later he is being very unreasonable.

Poor you. There's no ideal answer is there really.

TheMumsRush · 11/02/2014 10:58

No he's not being unreasonable, just honest and I have to respect that.

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