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time to follow my head not my heart... but why does it hurt so much?

(24 Posts)
humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 14:37:35

long story cut short. ...

been with dp for 2.5 years. don't live together. I have 3 kids under 8. he has 2 teens full time.

dsd is 16 and dss is 13.

the thing that has pushed me to breaking point is the Disney parenting by dp.

in my heart I know that in a different place and time me and dp could be fantastic. I absolutely love him to bits but I can't take it any more.
the ridiculous behaviour of dsd.... the interfering poisonous ex wife..... the disney dad bit. I have had enough and tonight I will tell him. we have been close to splitting before and o always relented believing that things really would change but they never do.

we have done relate, parenting courses, cahms etc etc but he still cant see that the way to improve the situation is to lay down a boundary and actually stick to it. so dsd thinks that she is the one calling the shots.

but god why is this so hard and why is my heart breaking? I know things won't change. I have read all the other threads on here and thought that wouldn't happen to me... but it did sad sad sad sad

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 14:39:40

I mean I read other people's stories abd thought that I could make it work... but I couldn't.

I feel so angry that my shot at happiness is ruined by a load of bullshit which lets be honest ia what it is angry angry

russianfudge Sun 09-Feb-14 17:14:11

This is a sad post. Although I think if you've had to go to all those lengths to get through the first 2.5 years, there isn't much hope for this relationship.

It is a complete waste. I adore the bones of my (very soon to be) DH but I can honestly say if I had the chance to walk away before I learnt what a fantastic person he is in every other way, I would take that over what I deal with here.

He actually isn't very disney. He's the first to bemoan his DD and her faults. And although it took a few years, he will pull her up on things do "the right thing" and will support me if there is a me Vs her situation. But she still affects my life in a very negative way. The biggest problem is how her behaviour effects my DD who is now 7 (DSD is 14).

I hate the fact that DD is by rights an older (or rather "only") child yet has had to assume the position of younger child. I hate that she worships her step sister and that she witnesses her lying, thieving, lazy, entitled ways. I hate that even though DH will pull his DD up on stuff, we have to pick our battles to avoid being totally at war every five seconds so my DD has much higher expectations on her than step daughter has. Then there's the constant threat that DSD could just walk out at any time if we are too hard on her (as she has done before) and we won't see her for months at a time which throws the whole family in to chaos and misery.

Then the constant guilt that my DD is in this situation because selfishly, I love the man and can't be without him. How cruel that he is my soul mate, with all that baggage.

And all this before I even mention the poisonous ex wife.

I'm sorry that is all about me, but what I am saying is that I don't blame you at all for what you are doing. And also, I suppose, do it now before you are in too deep.

Good luck xxx

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 17:29:07

Russian thank you for replying.

that is exactly it. it isn't what I want but with things the way they are with dsd it compromises all the other kids... we have 5 between us.

I wish I didnt have to do it but I cant see any other way sad

russianfudge Sun 09-Feb-14 17:45:57

Is there any way you could just cool it a bit - take it back to the two of you? When we were having problems a while back we started an ex wife ban on a weds night and weren't allowed to mention her name or anything about her. We started to connect again over stuff we genuinely have in common rather than our mutual hatred of his ex. In the end I hated her less and less and was simply very frustrated at how he would moan about everything but never take any steps to stand up to her or make it right.

Anyway, we had some counselling too (although after five years of lots and lots of good stuff too) and we came through. But it's hard work and we have to be very honest and trusting with each other in order to not let resentment build.

His ex wife was very emotionally abusive and the scars last a long time when that's involved.

louby44 Sun 09-Feb-14 17:46:16

humpty have sent you a PM

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 17:49:01

louby thanks for the message x

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 18:02:48

russian I just don't know if it would work. over the last 6 months I have pulled back and tried to make it just about me and him... without the kids. it has been less stressful and then dsd started spending one night a week out of the house which qas better. but she is so insecure and needy and constantly texts and rings him. he won't ignore her or tell her he is busy and even if he does she takes no notice...she just rings ans rings and rings till he answers.

she is so demanding and I am sick of it. she feels that she is entitled to 100% of the attention all of the time.

she tells lies. fakes illnesses. is rude. etc etc. she cannot be trusted to be left with my kids as she can be cruel and vile to them too.

she is quite openly rude and hostile to me. She thinks I should not be allowed in their house or speak to dp on the phone if she is around.

she calls me names and told lies about be... for example she told everybody who would listen that I slapped her.

and through all this dp tries his best to see the good in her. I can see that he loves her to bits but I cannot understand why he can't take off his rose tinted glasses and see the reality.

then everyday he rings me worn out by all her nonsense. I feel so frustrated. and like you Russian he is terrified that she will leave. it is ridiculous though because her own mother refuses to have her so she has nowhere to go.

meanwhile there is the poisonous ex in the background constantly running down dp and me and blaming mostly for dsd and her problems. truth is dsd already under cahms before we even met!!!

maybe if dp could agree to make it just about me and him and no kids for a while that would be better. I need some quality adult time every week or so but its not happening.

ww cant organise a holiday together cos dsd won't like it and nobody will take her. we can't spend time together etc etc

it feels like there is no future. she won't be going anywhere anytime soon so what is the point? I refuse to take my kids to live with all that shit so I am stuck In limbo land sad

Kaluki Sun 09-Feb-14 18:26:56

sad humpty I remember your previous threads a while ago.
Sorry to hear things have got worse x

russianfudge Sun 09-Feb-14 20:19:58

So sorry. It sounds awful. He's an idiot sad

russianfudge Sun 09-Feb-14 20:22:39

In just a few shirt years the kid will grow out of daddy and be off tormenting some other poor unsuspecting sod I should imagine. Then he'll realise what he's lost because she won't give two shits about him. You're a parent for a handful of years but a husband/wife for the rest of your life

nkf Sun 09-Feb-14 20:25:30

Can't you have a relationship with him and he sees his children when you're not there?

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 20:31:12

nkf that would be the ideal but my kids are with me 100%. their dad doesnt see them and dps kids live with him full time.

going to see if that is an option we can work out

nkf Sun 09-Feb-14 21:29:31

Babysitters? I didn't clock the ages of your children, but maybe there is somewhere between making the joint family work and separating.

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 22:23:20

so we had the conversation. dp says he feels piggy in the middle of me and dsd.

I can see that but the part that I am struggling with is who is the adults in thia relationship. please correct me if I am wrong but I thought that as adults yiu make decisions to the best of my ability and you explain it to the kids. I genuinely may be mistaken but thats how ita always worked in my life... or I am missing something?

Actually I am questioning myself totally now. have I got the wrong end of the stick? is it unreasonable?

dp also says he is sick of dsd running me down and me being down on dsd. again is this standard for kids to air their opinions about their parents partners all the time?

I asked dp what dsd actually wants. Apparently she is feeling threatened that I am stealing her dad away. Again is this standard or a load of crap

am worried now ladies that my crap-ometer is way off because I cannot understand it at all. Please tell me straight somebody is this a genuine valid argument or a load of shit? confused

humptydidit Sun 09-Feb-14 22:25:35

sorry if that made no sense.... am reeling a bit from realising that I am actually contemplating putting my adult relationship on the back burner apart from a dinner date one night a week and minimal contact in between. seems like a shitty arrangement to me

Kaluki Mon 10-Feb-14 11:37:05

No no no!!! Don't question yourself! You are right - adults make decisions and kids live with those decisions (right or wrong) no relationship will work if the children are allowed this much control.
Your DP is being a wimp. Moaning that he is piggy in the middle is a cop out. He is in the middle but he needs to take control and stand up to his DD, spend some one to one time with her but make her understand that he will do the same with you too. She is using emotional blackmail and succeeding.
If he can't make time for your relationship and gives in to his dd then let him go and find someone who wants a proper grown up relationship.

nkf Mon 10-Feb-14 17:38:17

I think some people have their most intense relationships with their children. And some people aee easily pushed over and manipulated. And other possibilities. What do you want to do? Assume that he won't change and start from there. If this is his best, can you live with it? You'll get bent out of shape trying to change him. Sorry to hear you're so sad.

humptydidit Mon 10-Feb-14 21:01:46

honestly I dont know how thos could work. dp ia absolutely wrung out. his own health is suffering. he has been diagnosed with depression. he isnt sleeping. he is a shadow of the man I love and I know that he isnt happy but he doesn't seem to know where to begin to put it right.

it breaks my heart to see him like this.

but I am helpless in the situation. its nothing I can change.

I have shown him this thread to try to explain how I feel.

ladies what would you say to him if you could to make him see the wood from the trees?

neanwhile. have a dinner date for sumday and phone contact only till then to get some breathing space for all of us. but it feels like a really shitty arrangement sad

caramelwaffle Mon 10-Feb-14 22:07:24

I agree totally with kaluki

Lot's of lonely old single people in old people's homes with children who don't give a shiny shit

and they could have been happily coupled up to their dying days.

Mellowandfruitful Mon 10-Feb-14 22:29:15

Does DSD still have contact with her mother at all? Where does she imagine she would go if her mum won't have her living there?

How does your DP react to the stuff from DSD about how you shouldn't be in the house, answer the phone etc if she's there? Does he challenge that?

humptydidit Mon 10-Feb-14 22:47:23

dsd has a difficult relationship with her mum. ex wife is in my opinion emotionally abusive towards dp and dss and dsd. exw uses dsd to maintain a hold over dp. she rewards dsd with arrention etc anf treats her like a best friend when dsd feeds her with info about dp and what he is doing wrong. dsd runs to exw when things go wrong for her and exw then has a go at dp. dsd seems to see this as a victory of sorts but the truth seems to be that exw is just using dsd and her silly mistakes to score points off dp.

humptydidit Mon 10-Feb-14 22:55:03

dp will stand up to dsd but he is really an old softie and will speak to her and telk her off. but up until very recently there has been little actual consequence for her behaviour. to be fair. in recent months he has taken a much stronger line with her but at the moment she is frightened by the threat. for example.... if you don't go to college you will lose yr pocket money and won't be able to go to visit your boyfriend. however as of yet she hasn't tested the boundary iyswim?

with regards to her dislike of me and lack of respect for our relationship he has spoken to her and tried to talk her round but as I have already said he has not laid down his expectations and she feels that she is able to get round him by crying and saying things like "you don't love me so much now that you have hympty" or "you don't want me anymore now that you have your new family" etc etc and he can't bear to see her upset.

I decided it was better to detach and give her a bit of a wide berth tbh which may not be helping but I just think that my life is too shott to get caught up in her drama. it just frustrates and irritates me

Kaluki Tue 11-Feb-14 10:24:39

he can't bear to see her upset.
^ that was exactly the reason my DP gave when I met him and his dc were completely spoilt and out of control. She is turning on the tears to manipulate him and he is letting her.
She will get over it if he stops pandering to her like this, she won't hate him forever if he spends time with you. He needs to stop being scared of her and man up - or lose you and end up alone.

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