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It'll soon be over - for now

(13 Posts)
Frogbyanothername Tue 04-Feb-14 12:12:45

My DH has decided to agree to the no-contact order that his DS's Mum has applied for.

The system is just so complicated - he's still not heard about the Schedule 2 letter that CAFCASS should have (according to regulations) written before the first hearing, no one has been in touch to check on the welfare of my resident DD following DHs exW's allegations of abuse in court (I doubt they've even been passed to Social Services, it's no wonder DCs fall though the gaps), and despite the requirement for both parties to consider mediation and attend an initial assessment meeting, it's clear that can be bypassed without too much of a problem, as its just not been mentioned.

We can't afford legal representation, and there are too many 'irregularities' in the process already for DH to be able to represent himself - he can do all the reading, research & preparation in the world only for the Court/CAFCASS to decide not to follow the expected process/procedure on the day. He can't fight the system. As long as the DCs directly involved in court proceedings are safe right now, the long term or wider picture just isn't a consideration, everyone involved is too busy.

I give it six months before DHs ex tries to involve us in another drama. It's endless.

I'm just expected to suck it up; welcome DHs DCs into my home if/when they decide they want to be accommodated, leave the house if they are more comfortable without me around and accept the damage, theft and lying that accompanies them. If DH sympathises with me, and suggests that the demands being made of me are unreasonable, then he's accused of abandoning his DCs. The same DCs that he'll be court-ordered to have no contact with.

purpleroses Tue 04-Feb-14 13:43:55

sad Very sorry to hear that.

Can Families Need Fathers offer any advice to your DP? But does sound like the two of you have been down pretty much every avenue.

Frogbyanothername Tue 04-Feb-14 14:42:38

purple FNF have given DH lots of advice - but the Court process has been very different from what he has been led to expect/what Court Procedures are documented.

armsinjumpers Tue 04-Feb-14 15:51:26

If there is no evidence of abuse I don't see how a court will agree an order for no contact.

However if the child is already behaving in the way you describe it sounds as though they have previously suffered some trauma and may well need a consistent father figure

Frogbyanothername Tue 04-Feb-14 16:16:00

jumpers it doesn't matter what the court orders to happen - DHs DS won't have any more of a consistent father figure, because that's not what his Mum wants.

DH's reasoning is that at least if the court orders no contact, then at least his DS won't feel guilty and stressed about refusing to see him - whatever his reasons are.

At the moment, DS can cope with indirect contact, so DH will keep that up - but when DS begins to refuse to speak to him on the phone, he'll stop calling so that his DS doesn't have to keep refusing.

It's a catch 22 - what's best for his DS in the short term is likely to have a huge impact on him long term, but knowing how settled he is now, how he's progressing at school, how he's happy and healthy only reinforces to DH that his exW is right; his DS doesnt need a father in his life.

If the court/CAFCASS were more focused on evidenced longterm needs of DCs, rather than quick fixes, it might be worth DH carrying on through the system - but no one cares what DS "outcomes" are going to be, all they care snout is how he presents right now.

purpleroses Tue 04-Feb-14 17:05:00

Children can and do grow up happy and healthy without a father involved in their lives. And the disadvantage of doing so might be outweighed by the stress of having contact against your mum's wishes. But must be very sad for your DP (and you) to lose contact - even if it is in DS's best interest.

Can he not have just a minimal contact - eg take him out to a café once a month? Just something to leave the door open and so they don't become strangers?

NatashaBee Tue 04-Feb-14 17:10:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Frogbyanothername Tue 04-Feb-14 17:13:40

The "cafe once a month" option has always been there - DH has told his DS that in the phone and in letters/cards.

But, DHs ex won't accept DH suggesting a particular day for him to go - she put on the court form and has told him/DS repeatedly since that she believes that all contact should be stopped/prevented by the court unless it is what DS specifically asks for. Her oft used phrase is that DH should "wait until DS is ready".

purpleroses Tue 04-Feb-14 17:23:28

I don't see how not having any contact will somehow make him ready confused

He presumably doesn't have to "wait until he's ready" before any future visits to grandparents, etc are planned does he?

Frogbyanothername Tue 04-Feb-14 21:44:26

It won't - but the court don't have the time to question/interrogate DHs exs position.

Perhaps if DH was being represented by a barrister, they could challenge some of his exW assertions/logic (or lack of), but with CAFCASS supporting her position, DH has little chance of getting his point across.

Couple that with the lack of process (no mediation assessment or CAFCASS checks/reports) and none of the social services interventions or safeguarding issues will even be brought to the courts attention, their decision will be made based on DH and his exs statements alone.

As DH says, he can't force the court to direct that CAFCASS carry out any reports - all he can do is present the facts he knows and hope they decide to. Not sure what happens if CAFCASS don't bother, though!
Makes a mockery of the system, really.

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 07-Feb-14 01:47:07

Stupid phone grr

ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight Fri 07-Feb-14 01:49:07

As anyone with half an ounce of sense knows the longer contact stops the harder it is to reinstate.
Always feel so sorry for you both and frustrated that I have nothing of value to say sad

daisychain01 Fri 07-Feb-14 06:46:08

Likewise Frog, I am sorry not to have any suggestions, just to express my sadness for this situation and the pain it must be causing your family.

I have had a little experience of CAFCASS but what I know about them is that people in that agency remain massively biased in favour of the mother when there is such a strong body of evidence to show the positive and balancing effect of having the father's proactive involvement and care of their children. One wonders what real value they add nowadays, it seems to be one size fits all, they may add value in certain cases but often they do more harm than good, they stick their oar in and get involved when really they just create complications, complexity and division.. almost "job creation" by any other name. They certainly added zero value when my DH was going through what your DH is enduring sad

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