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Should I marry him or run for the hills?

(21 Posts)
NotTheDoctor Mon 03-Feb-14 12:54:10

DP and I are supposedly getting married next year. I have two sons who live with us from prev relationship and he has two sons who live with their mother (aged 18 and 16) who stay with us every Saturday night.

Well I've just posted in the relationship forum about eldest dss (who has never worked and doesn't seem to intend to anytime soon) asking us to "provide" him with a new car. At the same time I'm juggling money right left and center for holidays, MOTs, wedding, birthdays - and dp hasn't thought to mention it to me. Just kept it between him and DSS. As far as I know he hasn't agreed to anything (yet) but I know he still feels guilty about the divorce and if he can get away with it, does whatever he can to please DSS1. Last night he was in a right mood with me for no apparent reason - and now I realize he would have got this message off ss1 and panicked - blaming me for the predicament it puts him in.

It's always going to be like this isn't it? I'm always going to get the blame when he can't disney parent - dss is always going to exercise the hold he has over dp, future holidays and major decisions will always be met with "but how does that affect dss1?"

Our own cars are falling to bits, they need replacing but we can't afford it despite both working full time so it actually makes me angry that an 18 year old thinks he will be "provided" (his words!!!) with a car despite the fact that he doesn't do a thing to earn any money.

I dread to think what would happen with wills etc once we are married.

Sometimes I feel it would be easier to leave them to it and run for the hills.

expatinscotland Mon 03-Feb-14 12:55:56

Your gut instinct is right, run!

juneau Mon 03-Feb-14 12:58:38

If you have to ask this question then you know the answer.

Why do you feel the need to marry anyway?

NotTheDoctor Mon 03-Feb-14 13:05:13

I can just see the future ...

"dad, mum has agreed to pay for my flights for my first holiday so I need you to provide me with a hotel for two weeks."

"Dad, mum has agreed to provide me with a month's rent so I need you to provide me with a deposit for my first home."

"Dad, mum has agreed to provide the cake for my wedding so I need you to provide the reception/cars/whole bloody wedding"

Makes me angry, more so when my own 15 year old is up at 6.30 every morning for his paper-round for his £20 a week and has already been told that cars etc are luxuries that you look forward to when you're earning enough.

Loveineveryspoonful Mon 03-Feb-14 13:18:39

Feel for you. If I'd known what you know now, I'd never in a million years have shared a home with dh, never mind marrying him...
Dh has same relationship to his dd; his ds, probably like your dss2, is an also-ran. And I have to stick up for my ds to get any look in at all!
Do not go there. They never change. Started posting about couple counseling a year ago on this very subject. We still go - regularly - and the benefits have been superficial. Listen to your inner voice.

RachaelAgnes Mon 03-Feb-14 13:28:39

I had the same warning signs.....but continued with the wedding.
Financially 'D'H provided for both DSS, as exW does not work. This often ended up to the detriment if our household (and my DD).
Five years on, I am waiting for divorce papers (which, surprisingly, he can't afford to file)!!

TheMumsRush Mon 03-Feb-14 15:27:35

It won't change, not even when they are 18. Run

Aroundtheworldandback Mon 03-Feb-14 22:09:50

How did you find out about the car request/assumption, did your dp tell you? I only ask because I was never told that when dh bought 'himself' a new car which he didn't need, it was promised to ss. He even denied it, till ss's facebook status was "Loving my new car!!"

It will never change. The difference in my situation is that ex has convinced them that as she chooses not to work, it is their right to demand dh pays for 100% of anything and everything.

They will demand cars, houses and more. And if they are not met with a cheery "You bet!" they will threaten not to visit. Pay per view. Sorry to put you off!

shey02 Mon 03-Feb-14 23:44:51

Honestly, makes me so mad. These dc have been given the power and influence on a plate from disney dear dad. Sounds bad tbh. The dsc in my life are much younger, but call all the shots along with their bitter, angry mother. I don't deserve it, I've done nothing wrong to anyone, least of all them, who I fall over backwards to be friendly to.... But I can't help thinking that my dp is to blame allowing this to happen. He never sees my viewpoint, never sees the disparity, never seems to put me first or us as a family unit.

OP, in my case my dc and dp are loving and caring and when we are together life is bliss. So I am able to put him first and my kids first, on a pedestal together, next to each other. However, because of the demands his dc place on him, we are near enough living separate lives now when he has his kids. So for me, I don't feel prioritised, I'm not first in his life. I'm second to his kids and that's tough to feel like that. We all know kids come first, but you still want to feel like your partner puts you first. He's in denial of his parenting skills as most NRP dads seem to be sadly. In your position, in mine, I'd think long and hard about that wedding. In fact, given the car situation, I'd be wanting separate finances at the very least.

fubar74 Tue 04-Feb-14 10:20:47

unfortunately being married or not things are not going to change unless maybe your DP realises he could actually lose you, my 2 month marriage nearly collapsed after DH' s DS came to stay, we had no room, and he wasn't the nicest of people, but I do say that we didn't just give up because we were married and only just so, I think it gave us something to fight for or we may have just said toodaloo to one another because there was no strings.

I'm not saying marry so you have a better foothold, that doesn't necessarily cut it with everyone, but I would be contemplating putting it off and tell him why.

GemmaTeller Tue 04-Feb-14 10:30:40

What we don't understand is, when mum says she has no money its OK, end of story.

When we say we have no money its met with a big strop and disbelief.

We get told all the time that DSD's friends dads pay for EVERYTHING so so why cant he?

We don't deny her much, pay her mobile contract, give her money every month while she's at uni (her mum gives her nothing), but, ffs, can I can have a car dad, can you pay for this holiday dad, can I have, can I have??? (my dsd is 23) (I love her really)

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Tue 04-Feb-14 10:39:34

has the OP namechanged mid thread?

Kaluki Tue 04-Feb-14 10:57:48

Run!
Not necessarily because he would happily buy his spoilt entitled son a car, but more because you aren't consulted and are resented because you have to curb his disney parenting which makes him sulk like a child.
How old are your sons? Will they be provided with cars when they are that age out of the family pot? You need to have the rule that if you do it for one you do it for them all and see what he thinks of that.

caramelwaffle Tue 04-Feb-14 11:28:28

Kaluki

I believe NotTheDoctor has been told in no uncertain terms that her son is not to ask for, expect money towards/a car.

HE is to work for one.

caramelwaffle Tue 04-Feb-14 11:36:35

NotTheDoctor

I understand why you would over accommodating about your honeymoon but

excuse the french

fuck that! about "having to" take your young adult sons with you...and Only to a place the ekdest son wants to go to.

Have a real, long think about this intended marriage thanks

caramelwaffle Tue 04-Feb-14 11:37:01

...eldest son...

Kaluki Tue 04-Feb-14 11:55:25

Am I missing something or is there another thread?
Either way I still say RUN!!!

caramelwaffle Tue 04-Feb-14 11:56:24

There is another thread Kaluki

caramelwaffle Tue 04-Feb-14 11:58:11

In Relationships.

Eliza22 Wed 05-Feb-14 08:54:49

Oh God....run! Run for your life (and sanity) woman! Do not look back

TheMumsRush Thu 06-Feb-14 15:24:45

gringrin Eliza

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