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is ex wife right?

(68 Posts)
6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 16:43:25

Hi everyone, just really need some advice/opinions. My dh has a dd with his ex wife he also has a DSD from that relationship. However th e DSD believes that my dh is her bio dad. He's never played a major part in her life dh and ex were not together long 2 years ish. Ex wife has always just lead her to believe he's not interested in her and favoured the other dd which I suppose really he has as she is his child. Anyway she is now 11 and dh thinks now she should really know who her bio dad is however his ex wife is forbidding it and says she doesn't need to know and he is not to tell her. Is she really right to do this and would it be really wrong for dh to go against her wishes?

sarahquilt Sat 01-Feb-14 17:04:55

I think it's terrible for the ex to lie to the daughter. Your DP should tell her he's not her dad.

Littlefish Sat 01-Feb-14 17:06:33

I agree with Sarah. She should be told. Does your dh ever see his dad?

IAmNotAPrincessIAmAKahleesi Sat 01-Feb-14 17:08:39

It is not your DH's ex's decision to make. It affects your DH and so it is as much his decision as hers, she can't 'forbid' him from telling the truth

How awful that this poor girl believes her dad just favours her sibling, I can't imagine how damaging that must be sad

6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 17:11:00

We live quite far away from them due to dhs job we have no choice on where we go, but we do see his dd once a month we visit his parents and she comes to stay there and she comes holidays to stay with us. DSD only visits the weekends if her mum is working as ex uses dhs parents for her childcare.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 01-Feb-14 17:12:35

I would be worried about the response of his ex and how it would affect contact.

Morgause Sat 01-Feb-14 17:12:58

Maybe he should tell the ex that she needs to tell her dd the truth. And give her a time frame. If she doesn't then he will tell her.

balia Sat 01-Feb-14 17:14:10

That is terrible - why on earth did he go along with it in the first place? I find this sort of thing very hard to be balanced about - I had a friend who was told on her 21 birthday that the man she thought was her Dad wasn't, and that her real father was already dead. She was utterly, utterly devastated.

Presumably there is a reason for the lie - could your DH give her a time frame eg tell her by x date or I will tell her?

6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 17:18:57

He went along with it because he thought the ex would tell her when she thought time was right which turns out she believes is never.

elliebellys Sat 01-Feb-14 17:21:20

Dsd should never have been told your dh is her dad to start with,your dh must have allowed that to happen aswell as mum.she should be told the truth,but not just by your dh that would be one hell of a shock.poor child .

Maybe83 Sat 01-Feb-14 17:27:36

Sorry but your dh is equally as responsible for the terrible treatment of this child as his ex.

He must have agreed to him being know as her dad as did his family etc.

I think its terrible that they have allowed her to just think he favours his second child can you imagine how she must feel? Does she have contact with your in laws?

No your dh ex cant make him continue to lie that he is her father when he has no interest in being that to her. I can understand why she doesn't want her to know. She's probably terrified of the negative impact that it s going to have on her but she cant bury her head in the sand any more.

But she will find out no doubt so the best thing to do know is make sure its in the best possible way. If your DH is adamant that he wants to tell her I would speak to a counsellor and get it very clear in his head how he wants to move forward with his relationship with her. As in nothing no contact etc. As he is as responsible for the impact that this will have on this child as his ex.

MeepMeepVrooooom Sat 01-Feb-14 18:16:31

Presumably your DH agreed to this at one point. If he thought of her as his own for the duration of the relationship (which presumably would be the only reason he went along with it) did he just change his mind at some point? He then along with his ex allowed a poor child to believe that her Dad favoured her sibling. Sounds like a stand up bloke.

She needs to know but it should be done by them both. If his ex won't then I think your husband will have to be the one to do it. I would suggest he tells her close to home as I can imagine any child that gets everything they have ever known ripped from beneath them will be upset and probably won't want to be anywhere near him.

mumandboys123 Sat 01-Feb-14 18:24:49

I think the ex is wrong but I don't think it's for your partner to tell the child. That's her parent's responsibility when it comes down to it.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 01-Feb-14 19:48:44

Why do posters think that he consented to this?

MeepMeepVrooooom Sat 01-Feb-14 19:59:47

She hasn't got to 11 years old thinking he is her Dad by him not going along with it...

basgetti Sat 01-Feb-14 20:01:30

Because the OP says he went along with it in her post.

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 01-Feb-14 20:05:05

going along with it is not the same as consenting to.

MeepMeepVrooooom Sat 01-Feb-14 20:06:44

How is it not Boney?

That's exactly what it is.

6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 20:08:52

Yes he shouldn't have gone along with it

6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 20:08:52

Yes he shouldn't have gone along with it

6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 20:10:58

But I do think it's wrong that the poor girl doesn't know the truth and believe the older she gets the bigger impact the truth will have

BoneyBackJefferson Sat 01-Feb-14 20:11:52

Really? Consenting to this would mean that the DH and Ex had a meaningful conversation about this.

Nothing in the OP says that they did this.

It sounds more like the DSD has been allowed to believe this and the DH has found out at some point. When questioned the Ex has said that she will tell the DSD in her own time.

I'm not saying that the DH couldn't/shouldn't have done something earlier but there is nothing to suggest that he consented to this.

basgetti Sat 01-Feb-14 20:13:32

OP did your DP find out about this later or did he agree with his ex at the time to do it?

MeepMeepVrooooom Sat 01-Feb-14 20:18:16


I think the impact will be massive regardless of age but I do think sooner rather than later is better for her to find out. She will feel massively betrayed by both your husband and her Mum but while she is still young it may be easier for her to forgive.

6brightstars Sat 01-Feb-14 20:19:37

Boneyback you put it howninm!want to. His dsd was a baby when they met and almost 3 when they split so was then lead to believe by her mum her and her sister had same dad my dh but dh favoured his dd

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