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I don't think DSD should stay tonight, DH disagrees..

(24 Posts)
IHadATinyTurtle Thu 30-Jan-14 10:09:28

DSD is 4, she spends the day and stays over every Saturday, and comes over for the evening each Thursday, this is meant to be the first overnight which has been a nightmare getting mum to agree to.

Tuesday night 18 m/o DS threw up 4 times and wasn't himself for about 24 hours, now last night I've been sick around 7-8 times. I'm not throwing up this morning but not eaten yet and feel pretty zoned out.

DH is of the opinion she would catch something at her mum's if she had a bug, so its no different if she does here, but as DH has most likely caught it off me last night too I think it's unfair to have her over when she's likely to catch it off someone here. I'd get his point if it was a cold but I felt horrific for hours last night.

purpleroses Thu 30-Jan-14 10:23:07

Poor you sad Being sick is miserable, as is having a sick toddler.

But I can see that if your DH has had to battle really hard to get DSD on a Thursday night then he doesn't want to mess her and her mum around on the very first night of the new routine.

Could you just shut yourself away in your bedroom - with your laptop, TV, cup of tea, etc and leave DH to look after her - having been very careful to wash everyone's hands regularly? DH seems to have managed not to catch it off your DS so he might be lucky.

If he does come down with it himself, he should definitely ask his ex if she would mind DSD not coming this week though.

hippity Thu 30-Jan-14 10:23:47

I would definitely let her stay. I think what your DH means is that she is meant to be staying with your as his daughter, not a guest, so comes 'as is'. I suppose if he has fought hard to get this far too, there is a lot at stake.

Petal02 Thu 30-Jan-14 10:45:00

I'll probably get flamed for this, but as soon as I press send I'm heading off to a meeting, so I won't feel the heat .....

If I was ill, and had a poorly 18 month old child to look after too, the last thing I would want is a 4 year old coming to stay. If everyone is ill, then what's the point. Couldn't she come on another night instead? If this wasn't a step situation, and (for example) a cousin was planning to stay, no one would think it odd if you deferred the visit.

EmmaFreudsGivingMeJip Thu 30-Jan-14 10:57:06

Agree with Petal. Also I doubt that dsd's mum will appreciate her going home with a bug. Can't your DH just call his ex and see what she says? I think it's daft for her to come over tonight and risk getting a vomiting bug when she will be over on Sat anyway.

uc Thu 30-Jan-14 11:52:00

Well, in my situation, we would phone the ex and see if the DSSs could stay at hers, to avoid the bug - but we get on fine, and it really would be in the interests of the DSSs, not us. (although I am rather emetophobic so I would do anything to avoid catching a sick bug, or looking after anyone with one)

I can see where your DH is coming from in your situation - if he has had to fight really hard to get the Thursday overnights, and then he cancels the very first one, that isn't looking good. However, if you say nothing, and then DSD catches the bug, her mum may well argue that you should have said, and be angry that you have knowingly exposed DSD to this bug without warning her.

So maybe his ex should be given the option. You could phrase it as "turtle's DS (not sure if he is your DH's or not) had a sick bug Tuesday night, Turtle had it last night, would you prefer it if DSD didn't come to us tonight, in case DH is incubating the bug?". Give her the choice, and make it VERY clear that you are only asking because you are worried for DSD.

CountryGal13 Thu 30-Jan-14 13:59:19

I second what UC has said. It's very possible that her mum might not want to risk it. In her shoes I wouldn't x

MeMySonAndI Thu 30-Jan-14 14:10:06

Ok, she is NOT a visit, she lives with you on Thursday And Saturday nights. You don't cart one of your children somewhere else to avoid the extra work/avoid passing germs when you are ill.

I think you need to bite the bullet and avoid disrupting the new contact routine just put in place, as nothing endangers more the contact between siblings and non resident parents than dealing with it in a pick and mix basis.

What would you do when she is ill, send her to her mum? It doesn't work like that.

If you don't have her tonight you are giving the message to her mum that his dad is unable to cope with the responsibility that the contact agreement requires.

TheWomanTheyCallJayne Thu 30-Jan-14 14:13:49

I agree with asking her mum.

I dont hold much truck with nrp who won't have their children if they are ill or if the nrp themselves are ill. How do they think rp manage.
However I'm not sure I would want to send my four year old to a house of illness either so I would give mum the choice.

Petal02 Thu 30-Jan-14 14:24:25

I don’t hold much truck with NRP who won’t have their children if they are ill, or if the NRP is ill themselves. How do they think RPs manage

I agree that in a bio family you’ve just got to get on with it if someone is ill or contagious. But when there are two households it’s a bit different – you have a ‘quarantine’ option should to you choose to use it, and surely it doesn’t do any harm to delay access by a day or two occasionally if someone in either household is ill? I mean you wouldn’t necessarily expect to have Granny, SIL, old school friend etc etc to stay if the whole household had gone down with D&V, would you? But bring the word ‘step’ into the equation, and common sense can easily go out of the window.

purpleroses Thu 30-Jan-14 14:29:44

If my ex asked not to have my DCs because his DW or DS was ill that would be OK. I'd say yes as long as I hadn't something really important on.

If he simply told me he wasn't having them for that reason I'd be put out.

mumandboys123 Thu 30-Jan-14 17:58:55

so....I'm unwell and I'm pretty sure my children will pick it up. I'm throwing up every couple of hours and have a temperature. If I phone my ex to ask for help, what do you say as his new partner? Are you going to help me out or are you going to say 'I'm not having that potentially sick child near my child. She'll have to manage'?

If you are willing to help out then I agree, she doesn't need to stay. However, if you are unwilling to ever have a PARENT care for a sick child in his own home then...well, I don't think very much of you.

Petal02 Fri 31-Jan-14 08:25:46

I think the original post was more about the merits (or otherwise) of transferring a child between homes during illness just to adhere to a set pattern of access.

purpleroses Fri 31-Jan-14 08:38:22

How did it go, OP? Hope something worked out amicably.

IHadATinyTurtle Fri 31-Jan-14 16:15:26

Of course we'd have DSD if she was ill or mum needed help, but I still don't see how it's sensible to bring her into a house full of people being violently sick out of stubborness. Which incidentally DH did.

He didn't see our DS when he was ill as he has to leave at 6am for work so I was up with him instead, I was ill 24 hours later, DH came down with it last night (24 hours after me) while DSD was here, so he barely saw her.
I guess we will find out tonight if she's ill now too. Which will mean not having her tomorrow which defeats the whole point of DHs original stubbornness about having to stick to the times regardless.

DSDs mum is generally nice enough and fairly reasonable just very close to DSD and doesn't like being away from her for long hence the trouble with extra time. She definitely wouldn't have minded us cancelling. I know I'd prefer that to a sick DC myself too!

matana Sat 01-Feb-14 14:23:54

I'd let her mum know so she can make the choice. This is what we tend to do when either ds, myself or dh are ill. We'll say we're more than happy to have my dsd but totally respect that it'll be dsd's mum who has to take time off work to care for dsd if she picks up our bugs. I think this is far better than just saying you can't have her. We wouldn't ask her not to come if she was ok and her mum and stepdad etc were ill just on tje off chance - we'd want to see her so I don't really know what the difference is.

NachoAddict Sat 01-Feb-14 14:33:26

I think your dp was being ridiculous, why risk his poor dd getting poorly just to keep up appearances? Surely his ex would rather have not taken the risk, I know I wouldn't.

I think its different to having her when she/they are sick, she is already poorly in that case. In this example it was perfectly avoidable for her to be exposed to the bug so in her best interests to stay with mum.

eslteacher Sat 01-Feb-14 15:30:13

We'd do as matana suggests - speak to DSS's mum making clear we were happy to have him anyway, but there was a risk he'd get sick. But we can do this as we all have a good relationship and there is no game-playing. I can see how if the ex and your DH don't have a good relationship and he has had to battle to get this overnight, that isn't necessarily going to work though.

It's another stepparenting situation where you're damned if you do (why risk a child getting sick when it's totally unecessary and just for the sake of sticking to a schedule or making a point) and damned if you don't (shirking your responsibilities and not acting as you would if you were in a traditional family where you'd have no choice).

FreakoidOrganisoid Sat 01-Feb-14 15:49:25

I'd be fuming if xh was ill with a sick bug and still had the dc, knowing that he could pass it on to them. Coughs and colds are one thing but if we can avoid d&v type things then I'd rather do that.

matana Sat 01-Feb-14 22:59:10

So would the rp send the dc to the nrp if all in the rp's house are ill in order to avoid a sick bug being passed on? I doubt it very much. Sorry but bugs are a part of life. They're just as likely to pick one up in their own home or at school or wherever. Talking it through with the ex is the sensible option.

bridalBOM Sun 02-Feb-14 09:08:44

Just to add (although in the past now OP - how are you all?) I had a sickness bug a month or so ago and my own daughter stayed over at a friends house after school and that night to avoid it. So, take out the "step" part and it's not an issue

NachoAddict Sun 02-Feb-14 09:57:11

Matana if I got a sickness bug my dc would probably have already picked it up during incubation so no I wouldn't send my dc away as they probably already have it and would just spread it further.

If their dads house had sickness in that they hadn't been exposed to yet, I wouldn't want them going there to potentially pick it up. They aren't at risk having not been there during the incubation period so would rather just avoid it.

Over Christmas dsd was with us when her little sister came down with croup at her mums house. We kept dsd with us until it cleared up to avoid her catching it.

It doesn't matter which way it is, if the dc haven't yet been exposed, why knowingly send them somewhere they will probably get sick.

IHadATinyTurtle Sun 02-Feb-14 14:16:37

DSD got ill midday yesterday, I am really not happy with DH, he is still adamant its just 'one of those things' and that it is important to have her over regardless as she's family.

We picked her up in the morning and she was fine, but vomited twice in half an hour just before lunch and was continuously crying for her mum, so went home at lunchtime. Her mum has said she's not throwing up any more since the evening but is still in bed unwell.

I asked DH if he would send DS to either of our parents to stick to arrangements if they had D&V bugs, and he said 'no but that's different because he doesn't need to see them as often'. All it has meant is seeing her far less this week now!

Petal02 Sun 02-Feb-14 17:41:03

Sadly OP, I think your DH has had his "access blinkers" on, and would probably have insisted on access even if someone in your household had been suffering from bubonic plague. It sucks, doesn't it?

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