Feeling pushed out

[Nellymay]

I feel upset and pushed out - persona non gratis. My Dh is going into hospital for an small operation soon on his knee my DSD works at the same hospital and she has offered to take him into hospital on her way into work - he will be out later the same day and will be on crutches and DSD has said she will pick him up after she finishes work and bring him home. I wanted to do this as his wife and now I feel pushed out by her. I said to DH that I felt pushed out and he said the way he sees it is his dd is trying to help and it's easier for her to drop him on her way to work and pick him up afterwards than for me to drive into the city and it I sn't an issue who picks him up and that I'm reading too much into things (maybe I am?) but it is just part of this whole underlying attitude that I'm not as good as my DSd's mum.
AIBU? Should I be more assertive? How can I do this without getting upset?

[ivegotaniphone]

If this is the only thing that has made you feel pushed out then you are YABVU. If it is part of a wider pattern then people can't comment without knowing that

[ivegotaniphone]

What has DSD picking him up on her way home got to do with her mum?

[purpleroses]

I can see how you feel but think you might be being a bit over sensitive. It's more pratical for DSD to drive him if she's going there anyway. Cook him a nice meal when he gets home and thank your DSD for helping out. I doubt she means to push you out

[Nellymay]

Yes, i am probably being over sensitive. Thanks for your replies, and advice purple I just needed to vent

[ThatBloodyWoman]

Be happy that they have what seems to be a good relationship.

It's not about pushing you out.There is no reason to feel threatened.

[Flixy102]

I think it makes perfect sense for your DSD to do the lifts seeing as she works at the hospital,I wouldn't feel pushed out at all. You're going to have ample time to look after him when he's home.

Maybe she's doing it to save you any hassle, maybe because she actually likes you and thinks it's less bother for you?

[Nellymay]

Good advice thatbloody and Flixey I hadn't looked at it like that :)

[daisychain01]

Nelly, I agree with what everyone is saying, but I can definitely see your pov. Its hard when you want to do important things (like hospital) for your DH and then that opportunity isn't there for you because DSD has stepped in and wants to help as well.

Just an assumption, it sounds like there was no conversation involving you in the arrangement? If so, that is probably what makes you feel excluded, because if DSD had said "Nelly, I'm happy to drop Dad off and pick him up, its much easier for me, is that OK with you?" I don't suppose you would be posting like this. And it isnt about "asking permission" its more about being inclusive and respecting your position as her DFs wife in this situation. Not a big ask, but it is something that often gets forgotten.

Maybe its an opportunity to build bridges or at least give some positive vibes to DSD and say "how about I cook us a nice meal at home when you and your DF get home?" Then you could have an evening together. Just a thought..

[Nellymay]

Thanks daisychain I think you're exactly right :) it's because it's not discussed and decided on - perhaps it because this is how they did things as a family before I came along.
It's like a constant tussle to stake my position out in this family. Even DDIL used to say to her dc "let's go to granddads house" even though I have lived here with him for the last 12 years and we now have moved into a new house together. I now say "and nellymay,s house"!

[daisychain01]

I thought it sounded like that was the matter, Nellymay It has been like that for me too.

You know, its often down to conditioning, what they observe around them. Also children/young adults can be astonishingly 'black and white' about things, even down to "that birthday present was from DF, this one is from daisychain" even though from Day 1 I have tried so hard to instil values of " we are a family unit" and "it isnt DFs money and daisychain's money, your packet of biscuits, my chocolate cake, that isn't important, its for us all to share and enjoy".

Only the other day I was when it was pointed out to me (by DSS) not to eat their cake when they werent there.... Um sorry but if you are being so precise, its my cake as I bought it for you in Tesco because I know you like it, and be bloody grateful I'm lovely enough to think about you even when you aren't with me! But of course I didn't say it like that . But I didn't lose the opportunity to mention, now we don't think like that round here, do we? We share things together don't we? Yes, daisychain.

Its so difficult because of other influencing factors that we may never know or be able to control. Things like you describe have hurt me a lot (which is why, when I read your post, it did feel like a raw nerve had been hit . Im sorry that your DSIL reinforces the "DSM is invisible", its a malaise many of us have talked about on this Board.

I think it is probably better for your own emotional well being to disengage from those sorts of thing you cant control and try to enjoy the life you have with your DH. Sometimes the more you try to do, the more they push back...

[Nellymay]

Thanks Daisy :) :) it's a hard job being a stepmum. I remember my nephews complaining to me that their dss got treated differently by their dad to how they felt they were treated: "she gets all the sweets", etc. kids are so black and white.
I have 3 grown up dsc and on the whole I get on well but it all the implied things. The hardest one is the dsd who lives close to us - perhaps because of the nearness and that I am similar in many ways to their mum ( I won't go into that......:))