Oh FFs! This step parenting thing doesn't get any easier ? Does it ?

[MrsExtraOrdinary]

Background info: I had dc with exh, dh, also has previous dsc and dc. We now also have ds together. We have been together 6 yrs.

We booked a summer holiday, which was bloody difficult as we are a v large group. But we didn't go on holiday last year or anywhere as I was going through huge amounts of surgery and illness. I Have been discharged and hopeful this year will be better. But the dc missed out hugely last year with everything.

Dhs older girls haven't bothered to keep up contact despite out huge attempts. We tried hard for 2 girls 18ths but no thankyous etc. They don't phone and don't answer the phone when called. I begged dhs actual dd to come over for his dhs 40th but had to buy her a pair of trainers so she would.

I booked the holiday for the ones that live with us and the ones we see regularly. Dsd has taken umbrage she is not invited. Said I've excluded her from the family. She will be 19 and actually dh and I hadn't even contemplated she would want to come. Every time we ask her anywhere she says no. And at 19 I wouldn't have dreamt of going in holiday with my parents. She didn't come over all year despite numerous invites and with me being so ill it would have been great from the dc to see their older sister. We've paid the deposit on the holiday.

I feel really guilty she feels rejected. We've offered her some money towards a holiday with friends, which she has declined.

If we do anything with anyone she always gets jealous. But when we include her she always declines. She's 19 at college but has no job. It does feel a bit as though she's trying to prove a point. She did also have a foreign holiday last year as we paid towards that. Our other dc had nothing. So I don't feel it's overly unfair.

Your thoughts please! I feel horrible!

[Kaluki]

Don't beat yourself up over it.
I don't understand why it is your fault. Surely your DH made the decision with you so he has 'excluded' her too. If you had asked her she would probably have refused anyway, she is just being a cow!
She sounds like a spoilt little madam and you and DH shouldn't allow her to manipulate you anymore.

[starfishmummy]

I think that she has excluded herself by her constant rejection of your attemots to include her.
She is an adult now and needs to start behaving like one

[MrsExtraOrdinary]

Thankyou ladies. The whole thing makes me feel quite sick. I've always treated dhs children fairly with mine. But the whole jealous hard done by thing is hard to deal with.

[catsmother]

Agree you've done nothing wrong and though she's still young she's old enough to start learning that actions have consequences. Constantly rebuffing your attempts to include her in family life is both rude and hurtful .... and having to be bribed so she participated in her dad's special birthday is really rotten behaviour. I also think that while at 18/19 she's at the age where most kids would be enjoying their freedom, a little bit of contact every now and again with the people you supposedly care about isn't asking too much.

So if she chooses, as an adult, not to have any sort of meaningful relationship with her dad and siblings, I guess that's up to her. But at the same time she can't just expect to cherry pick the bits of her dad's life that do appeal - such as holidays. Talk about entitled. She doesn't respect her dad enough to answer the phone and wouldn't have come to his party but for the fact she got something out of it. But he is, apparently, good enough to provide her with a holiday.

Well .... maybe this will be a wake up call for her and she'll start to realise that also needs to put a bit of effort in if she wants to reap all the benefits of being in a family. When you consider that she was also helped, financially, to go away last year while your other kids didn't, and, you have still offered her money this year as well, I don't think you have a single thing to reproach yourself for. Really. And to be honest, I don't think she deserves to be offered any money this year either in the face of her ignoring you all for so long. Now she's rejected that offer - quite possibly to make a point - I personally think it shouldn't be offered again, or handed over if she deigns to ask for it after all. This young woman really needs to get real and start thinking about whether or not she really wants a relationship with her dad. That's not to say he/you should necessarily stop attempting to include her in normal family life in a "our door is always open to you" sort of way - but normal day to day life should be sorted out ahead of special stuff she takes advantage of IMO.

[theredhen]

Similar situation here.

Teen dsd who dismisses all out attempts to include her in anything. Looks down her nose or shows no enthusiasm for anything we do at best or is openly contemptuous at worst.

However as soon as you arrange something without her.... she's sulking and saying she wanted to come.

Drives me mad.

We are taking her on holiday this year despite her refusing to even leave her room on the last two holidays. When she was asked if she really wanted to come on holiday this year, she was full of enthusiasm.

Dss hasn't seen us for nearly 2 years, there's no way i would consider booking him a place.

I think you were damned whatever you did, to be honest. I suspect she wanted you to book her a place so she could assert her power and then refuse to go. You've taken that power away by not booking her a place.

[shey02]

It's a continual test isn't it...?!? Which is engineered so that you will never pass...... But on the plus side at least it looks like you and dp are on the same page so that is a positive for you that some of us don't really have. :)

[MrsExtraOrdinary]

Thankyou I do feel better after you've all had a bit of input. I don't get this jealousy with my children and their dad and new son. I've brought them up to accept things the way they are and make the most of their dad and new sibling. It's just sad it had to be this hard with dhs children.

[theredhen]

Mrs e, that's exactly how I feel about my ds who is a LOT more hard done by from a step child point of view than my dsc. I have also brought him up to accept his dad for who he is.

I do feel its a shame dp and his ex have managed to create a sense of entitlement and insecurity in their child no matter how much time and money she has.

[uc]

If I were in your shoes OP, I would write a letter to DSD, penned by her Dad, telling her what you have told us. Relationships are quid pro quo. If you put nothing in, you get nothing out.

[cappy123]

If we do anything with anyone she always gets jealous. But when we include her she always declines. If this is still an issue for you and DH, then DH preferably needs to tell her and draw a line saying this cannot continue. She may be his child, but she's an adult too. You sound like you've bent over backwards whilst being ill too. You deserve a gold-plated 5 star holiday!

[MrsExtraOrdinary]

I nearly died to shock this morning to find an "I'm sorry for behaving the way I did" message from dsd. Grateful for small mercies!

[theredhen]

That's great news.

[MrsExtraOrdinary]

I'm still in shock and it wasn't prompted by dh. So I'm extremely pleased, maybe a sign she is growing up after all.