Help - I've been thrown into a crisis as my partner's ex killed herself

[lena123]

I got together with my new OH a year ago - within a few weeks his ex committed suicide, leaving a her children (including his child). The whole situation is really convoluted, although he has PR, and now occasional contact he seems to be losing the court battle over residency with the extended family. After only a few months both our careers have been shredded, we are broke and really stressed. Whatever outcome happens someone will be hurt - how do I support him without being overwhelmed by all this?

[puds11isNAUGHTYnotNAICE]

What an awful situation. Poor children! I'm sorry I have no practical advice as I have no experience with this but just wanted to offer some sympathy.

[Cbeebijeebies]

Have no advice but just wanted to offer some support

It sounds like an awful situation to be in.

What reason are they giving for your partner not being the RP? Did he have much contact before she died?

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

Are there siblings with different dads involved and Is your dh looking to take all siblings together?

I only ask as in the event of my death my family would fight tooth and nail to keep my two dcs together. I'm sure the two dads involved would each argue for their own dc. Its been a fear of mine in the past which is why I've asked.

[lena123]

Thanks - I'm a bit wary of giving too much personal info away, but yes there are other siblings from different fathers. The recommendations coming from the various services involved seem to be to keeping the family together.
He was trying to initiate mediation when she died, as she'd prevented contact.
This is such a unique situation no one seems to be able to offer any advice or experience...lot of blame, bitterness and mud has been thrown by both sides, and I just feel a bit cornered at the moment.

[Bonsoir]

It seems very extreme to wish to keep the siblings together when one child (at least) has a father who wishes to bring his child up.

[HotDAMNlifeisgood]

Of course you want to support him, but you also need to preserve your sanity.

I think you need:

• times with him where the court case is not mentioned,
• and also time alone when you can vent,
• and time alone when you can do your own thing that has nothing to do with the court case

How much of the above do you have? How could you set this up?

[TheGirlFromIpanema]

OP, sounds like a terribly difficult situation for all involved. I wish you and dh well with it, I really do. There were clearly issues before their mums death, so ultimately I guess the various services are looking to minimise disruption for the dc. It must be hard for you, I sympathise.

Bonsoir I don't think its extreme. Depends on each family I guess.
My dcs would also want to remain together in any event. I know my family would do everything they could to keep them together.

[Cbeebijeebies]

If the child went to live with extended family would he be allowed contact? Or is it a case of if he doesn't get custody that'll be it?

Why was contact stopped in teh first place if you dont mind me asking? Just general communication breakdown or did something happen?

[FrauMoose]

Has your partner instructed a solicitor in relation to his son?

Re the children, I can imagine that if they did not typically have regular contact with their respective fathers and given that their mother is no longer alive, their well-being is very much tied up with continuing to be with their siblings.

[ShesYourDaughter]

This is really difficult.

My partner is a solicitor and deals with a lot of family cases. Social or community services are much maligned but do try and do the very best for everyone involved.

They also operate on the basis of precedent, so tend to adopt the same approach going forward. They evaluate a case, follow a set procedure and make a judgement, but that judgement is heavily influenced by 'experience' and that experience is one they created themselves.

It is futile going to court to fight social services, they will not change their position in court and if they are following a precedent, it's likely the judge will follow suit.

Best bet is to challenge social services through their own channels. Ask them to justify their decision, start a formal complaint if they are unwilling to interact and wherever you find a piece of evidence, which is most likely going to be mere opinion, find a way to challenge that.

Then, you go back to court. If you've got the money and energy.

Easier step to take in the first instance is to ask for supervised visits, or limited access.

Oh and get a good solicitor, one that will work your case not one that just turns up in court and repeats everything you've said to them verbatim.