Face to face with DHs ex

[FrogStarandRoses]

Does anyone else get the wobbles when coming face to face with their DH ex?

I've got all the classic symptoms; sweaty palms, butterflies, weak bladder - all because she and I will be in the same court lobby for a few hours. We won't have to interact at all - but just being near her is enough to get my heart pounding.

We've only spoken about 4 times on the phone, and she's only ever initiated one hostile, verbal attack on me directly.

Lots of rescue remedy, deep breaths and happy thoughts!

[mumtobealloveragain]

I feel very uncomfortable when I am face to face with DP's ex. Not because I am worried about her as such more because I worry I won't be able to keep my cool and act in a dignified way when if loses it and starts being rude to me in front of the children. I've managed to smile annoying and not lower myself to her level so far but I worry one day I will snap and end up telling her exactly what she need to be told.

Unfortunately, I come face to face with her a lot as we live locally. Our children go to the same school so when DSC are with her I see her on the school run. Likewise when DSC are with her sometimes we might be at the same park or soft play or if Im out shopping etc. Also I have to see her at school events and meetings. Mostly we ignore each other but sometimes she'll start and I that's when I end up walking away with teeth marks in my tongue She doesn't talk to DP if she sees him at school as he refuses to engage in conversation now after a few incidents at school events where she's embarrassed us.

[stepmooster]

Oh god yeah!

The first time I met her we were in the court lobby, financial settlement not contact order. I was with DH and his parents, she was with her friend. We ended up sitting opposite her for an hour, although DH and his parents didn't recognise her, apparently she had done her hair different colour and she'd lost some weight. It was only afterwards they realised.

I remember seeing this woman fidgeting across from us looking very uncomfortable, we were all relaxed, joking, I was holding DH hands for support. I cringe now thinking about it.

The second time I met her I was 8 months pregnant at the second hearing, it was a massively exhausting day, and she avoided us like the plague.

The last time I met her was when collecting DH stuff from the FMH, except we didn't because it had all been left out in the rain and was ruined with months of damp and cold weather exposure. She had left a lot of her love letters open and on the top of the things. I have absolutely no idea why (seeing as she was with her husband-to-be). She just stared at the floor. I said to DH as he was about to pick through all the damaged belongings, not to bother, as obviously it was all damaged and we'd buy new stuff and he'd obviously not missed any of it in the last 3 years, and how disrespectful it was to leave personal belongings outside like that. I was not bothered if they heard me and DH agreed with me.

I was a few days from giving birth, and my temper had started to flare. Neither the ex or her husband-to-be could look us in the eye. They probably thought it was really clever leaving DH things to get ruined, but as the court order stated it was their responsibility to get rid of anything DH didn't want the last laugh was on them. Seeing as there must have been 2 vans worth of stuff.

I've never seen her since, and I really worry about DH and our DC's being excluded from any special occassions DSS has because of it.

I really want to be civil to the woman, but as she has tried to blackmail us for money, and pulled all sorts of stunts whilst I have been pregnant (both times) and causing us god knows how much stress, I really don't know how I am going to pretend it all never happened.

Good luck Frog, I hope everything works out ok for you, take comfort in the fact that you are quite clearly not as batty as she is. :)

[Kaluki]

Luckily for me I have only seen her from the car when we have dropped the DSC off and spoke to her briefly a few times when she has phoned the house phone for DP or the DSC when they were with us.
She has sent me friend requests on FB but I ignore them as it is sheer nosiness and meddling on her part.
She has told DP that I am a posh stuck up bitch because I told DSC they had to bath and clean their teeth and because I won't let my DC (or hers when in my house) watch 18 films or play GTA !!!

[cathpip]

I have met my dh's ex regularly, I wouldn't say that I would of picked her as a friend but she is pleasant enough and we get on. I suppose it does help that everything was very amicable between my dh and her when they split, money and access have never been a sticking point as it were.

[QueenTea33]

I feel exactly the same. Unfortunately, I see her regularly as my kids are at the same school as dsd. I do not talk to her and she doesn't talk to me. She does, however, sometimes stand with her cronies and slag me off openly on the school playground (where this sort of thing belongs). She also calls me all manner of things to dsd and throws the odd dig in when talking to dp. She won't talk to me if she's alone.

Every time I see her I want to kick her in her vagina, but I know I'd lose my shoe, sock and possibly leg.

I have a lot of self control. I would love to strangle the bitch. I fucking hate her

[stepmooster]

Queentea you have me in stitches!

[FeelingTheFire]

I hate it! I find it very, very uncomfortable. Especially since I also have to have huge self control. She's said a lot of unforgivable things (namely, wishing my children not here, asking DH if he is 100% he is the dad, plenty of name calling too.) I refuse to engage in a bitch fight with her - which she would love so she could tell my DSC that I'm some nasty piece of work. Believe me it's hard but I get satisfaction in knowing I can bite my tongue (only just, mind!) and the fact that it grates on her for doing so.

[lottie82]

first time I met her was in passing when I was with my OH...... she texted him straight away with "oh well at least I know i'm skinnier and prettier" haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! insecure much?

skinnier? yes I won't argue with that, but then again she has been a chronic alcoholic for the last 10 years, so as you would imagine, the prettier bit is VERY debatable!

I was quite flatter that she cared tho! rofl

[bluebell8782]

I do too! Wish I didn't - would rather feel nothing but I can't help it. We don't come face-to-face that regularly but when we do my heart beats a little faster and my palms are sweaty. She is 'The Mother' - who am I in comparison.. BUT ... she is also an emotionally abusive witch. She doesn't come close to me and DH on the moral high-ground... have to keep remembering that!

[mintberry]

Am I the only one who gets on quite well with my SS's mum? I am going to be unpopular but I think often mums and step mums are just as bad as each other when it comes to insecurity/spite. I know I will be told "how dare you, I'll have you know that my SC's 'biomum' is an addict/murderer/paedophile/vampire", but I think sometimes it is so obvious that the SM has not made one bit of effort to empathise with the mum's position. I don't see how I would have coped with being left to be a single mother in the situation my SS's mum was. She might secretly hate me, but she has always at least tried to get on with me for her son's sake I guess, and I do have a certain respect for her.
Honestly, if she is showing some signs of a mental crisis like addiction, have a little compassion and think why that might be instead of taking to mumsnet and calling her an old witch, and take what your DP/H says about her with a pinch of salt - I doubt anyone comes out too rosy in their ex's eyes.
Obviously, some ex's ARE nasty, and I'm not denying that, so I don't want to offend anyone with real problems, but the majority are just normal women who it's easier and more satisfying to label as a villain than take the time to be reasonable over.

[elliebellys]

Well said mint:-)

[elliebellys]

The ex,s might be feeling the same,noone truly wanted things this way.you just have to get on with it as best we can.

[Libby10]

Rolling back the years - the first meeting I had with DP's ex wasn't too bad. I was a bit nervous and curious but really wasn't prepared for what was coming my way. DP and his ex had been separated about 5 years and she was in a relationship and I naively assumed we would be able to have a civil relationship at the very least. After years of putting up with behaviour from her ranging from the petty to the downright nasty I will do my upmost to avoid her and on the few times we have had to meet face to face I do feel uncomfortable because if it wasn't for the sc I would have nothing to do with her. Fortunately, I have a calm demeanour and can mask my feelings and I do get some satisfaction from the fact that she often seems more uncomfortable than me.
One tip - we did used to have a nickname for her but I was worried I would blurt it out in front of the SC. So I always call her/refer to her by her first name. I don't why but it seems to help keep her in perspective somehow.

[FrogStarandRoses]

noone truly wanted things this way.you just have to get on with it as best we can.

That's true - she reminds DH at every opportunity that she'd like things to be different and wishes he'd drop off the planet!

[elliebellys]

Frogs:-),lol.in all honesty tho i think we,ve all said that bout our exes at some point.

[FeelingTheFire]

Believe it or not, I have been nothing but civil to DH's ex despite everything she's done - hence biting my tongue. My DSC have enough to deal with without me straight out being bitchy to their Mum. And what example would that be setting for my own DC?

I know plenty can say be a little understanding but I wasn't the cause of their break-up, haven't done anything apart from marry her ex so why feel the need to slag me off at every opportunity that arises? How can you be understanding of someone who likes to actively try to disrupt and upset those around you that you love so dearly?

I will continue to be civil - it shows I'm the bigger person. But I don't think I will ever understand why she has done the things she's done.

[FrogStarandRoses]

ellie Oh, yes - I've often said it about my DD's Dad - but never to his face!

Sorry - I've had a bellyfull today and I'm not feeling very charitable - I just think that if DH's ex didn't really want all the drama of today (and the last few weeks) then she didn't have to apply to court - after all, she held all the cards and could have quite easily achieved what she wants despite DH's opinion without applying to court to have validated - DH can't do anything about it, regardless. Even the Magistrate was a little bewildered apparently, when the Court Clerk corrected him and said that is was exW who was the applicant, not DH.

Anyway, I'm going to have lots of practice facing DH's ex in the next few months, there are a lot more court hearings to come.

[eslteacher]

I like my DSS's mum, and actually look forward to seeing her for a good chat. DP and I are going to her wedding later this year, and I'm even invited to the hen do...

TBH I can't take much credit for the good relations between us, DP and his ex were always friendly after their split, DP got on well with her new partner, I just had to slot into it, which was a pleasure really.

Mintberry - interesting post. It's very hard to judge situations from mn posts and get a true picture. Im surprised by the level of animosity between separated couples that I often read about on here as it is so different to my own experience. But maybe I am just very lucky.

[elliebellys]

Frogs,i think maybe her 'undiagnosed mental health problems' are steering her in this direction.who knows?.sorry to hear bout your day.court system is failing too many families.

[Georgia82]

Exactly, Feelingthefire

The ex w being in a difficult situation does not excuse certain actions in my experience. There again, every situation is different as are perspectives, however I cannot excuse nastiness especially in relation to children that have nothing to do with the situation.

[Peacesword]

I think it can be good to actually see them and meet them. It gives you something real to picture in your head, and some actual behaviour to base your opinion on, rather than what you've been told. I'm a great believer in making my own mind up about someone. It can work both ways with hearsay - a new partner can completely slate their ex when they can actually be very nice with good motives, or it can be that the ex is put on a pedestal when in fact they behaved badly and there's a blind spot to it. Or they can be described as vile, and are vile! That's why I prefer to just make my own mind up.

I'm always surprised at some of the opinions about exes on here, and wonder how the SM can know in such detail what the ex is thinking, feeling, saying and what her motivation is when there seems to be little to no contact.

[theredhen]

I have offered several times to meet dp ex. She has refused on several occasions. When I've tried to push her on it, she simply ignores any correspondence. I too want to make my own opinions on her and I feel it would help me greatly in understanding the children too.

She had an affair and left dp two years before I met him.

If we do bump into each other, she will turn away from me.

She is obsessed with dp and doesn't want him anywhere near her but often engineers occasions where he had to drive to her house for the kids, she then tries to say he is stalking her.

I've been in her children's lives for nearly 6 years. One if the dsc lives with me full time for the last two years.

As a mother, I have no idea how you can let your child live with someone you have never even said hello to, but there you go.

[FrogStarandRoses]

I'm always surprised at some of the opinions about exes on here, and wonder how the SM can know in such detail what the ex is thinking, feeling, saying and what her motivation is when there seems to be little to no contact.

Even without face to face contact, it's quite possible to form an opinion of someone based on what and how they write (in emails, on court forms etc) and dare I say it the way their DCs behave and what they say. If my observations reinforce what DH has said about someone, then it's reasonable to assume there is at least some truth in what he's saying.

My DH has told me that his exW is cutting him out of his DCs lives. I don't need to hear her say "I don't want the DCs spending time with their Dad" before I'll believe him; because her actions that I observe for myself tell me that - turning up to pick them up unexpectedly, taking sick time off work when the DC says they don't want to come, hearing her DD say she's punished if she comes to see us. These things only reinforce to me that my DH is telling me the truth.

My DHs DD revealed that her Mum hit her. Now, either DHs DD is telling the truth, in which case I form an opinion of her Mum based on what she said, or DHs DD is lying, in which case I question the relationship between DHs DD and her mother that leads to that false allegation. Whichever it is, I've formed an opinion of DHs exW based on what I've experienced even though I've not had contact with her.

My DHs exW recently filed an application to the court, which DH was served a copy of. The form contained information that i know is factually inaccurate. I can form an opinion about someone who lies on a court document and speculate as to why she may have done so without ever speaking to her.

There have been times when I've challenged his opinion of his exW motivations; because I can see things from her perspective (as I've got an exH, too!).