Helping DS cope with separate homes

[caledonianclown]

Hi folks

I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this, but looking for some advice on helping DS (5) cope with living in separate homes. EXH and I split up 3 years ago and we have 60/40 shared custody of DS. We live within walking distance of each other, have managed to remain on good terms generally and DS has always seemed to cope very well with transitioning back and forth.

For a bit of background, DS and I now live with my DP (we moved in together 18 months ago) and his DS (4) who is here EOW. I am currently 30 weeks pregnant. We (me, DS, DP and DSS) are a very happy faily unit and everyone gets on very well for the most part. I'm slightly aprehensive about the impact that the baby coming along with have on all of this, but I don't think that's unusual for any parents be they a blended family or not!

In the last few weeks at bedtime DS has been getting upset and keeps saying he wishes Daddy and I lived in the same house so he could see us both every day. This only happens when DSS is not with us and only ever at bedtime. I always say that I understand why that makes him sad, and that Mummy and Daddy both love him but we were making each other sad and we are much happier living apart.

This all happened 3 years ago and he's never mentioned anything until now, I can't decide whether he's just spinning out bedtime and knows this will make me stay and talk to him, or whether he is genuinely upset? Or is it the imminent arrival of a new baby and changing circumstances that are making him feel unsettled?

Any advice gratefully appreciated!

[FeelingTheFire]

He could be feeling it because of the impending arrival. Could he be feeling like it because it's hit him that his brother/sister is going to see Mummy and Daddy on a daily basis?

If he feels upset about not seeing you both every day and it seems to happen at bedtime, could he phone his dad when he feels like this to say goodnight? It might help.

I think he may be after a little reassurance. If he's worried about the change because of his new sibling I'd talk to him about how he's going to be a an awesome big brother. When the baby arrives, get him involved with helping you with bath times, getting you nappies and so on.

[purpleroses]

With both my kids, it was around that age that they actually figured out that their parents didn't live together, and that most other people's parents did. If you split when your DS was only 2 I would guess he may be going through this realisation too.

A good book is "mum's house dad's house" which helps you get to grips with a two home model of family life. I liked it.

I also think it doesn't really help to let yourself feel too guilty about the way things are - your DC has grown up with the life he has, and there's no reason he should feel that some alternative version would have been any better. Yes, we adults all set out thinking we'll be a nice nuclear family with two parents together, but things don't work out like that, and I think it's much healthier to be positive about the benefits of the life your DS has (two homes, DSS, a step dad, a new baby on the way, happy parents) and not to encourage him to dwell on some different ideal. He may be picking up ideas from kids at school that two parents together is how things "should" be, so I think it's good to challenge that a bit whilst acknowledging that there may be times when he misses one or other parent. Kids whose dads work long hours, or work away from home get that just the same.

[eslteacher]

I agree with purple, it could well be because he is realising the vast majority of his friends live with mum AND dad, and his situation is not the norm. Also kids can be quite cruel to each other - have other kids at school maybe made comments to him about his living situation?

DSS sporadically says he wishes his mum and dad still lived together (like your situation there is no animosity between his mum and dad now, and good relations between the households). It started around school age. Also it turned out recently his friends started teasing him after his birthday party where both his dad and step dad were present, the next week he came home in tears saying they were making fun of him for having 'two dads'. Just awful, it broke my heart. But then you realise that there is always something kids find to pick on, whether it's family situation, size, hair colour, looks...I'm pretty sure DSS gives as good as he gets to be honest (not that I'm condoning that either!)

If DSS says he wishes his parents were still together, DP always says he understands and acknowledges how he feels without immediately trying to hammer home the point that it's never going to happen. The other thing that works well is pointing out if his parents were together he wouldn't have his little (half) sister who he adores.

Hope some of that is relevant, and that things calm down a bit for your DS soon.

[caledonianclown]

Thanks everyone, some great advice and lovely to have the reassurance. I think it is something I beat myself up about and definitely pushes my guilt button as it was me who initiated the split in the first place. But tonight's bedtime chat was all ab

[caledonianclown]

Oops, posted too soon! Tonight's chat was all about how as a special treat he'd really like to spend the night in me and DPs bed! I did suggest spending the night with a massive pregnant lady who snores like a train might not be the best fun but he seemed pretty adamant!

[Kaluki]

I think deep down all dc from divorced parents feel like this.
When my children's dad and I became single at the same time after being split up for about 6 years my kids automatically assumed that we would get back together. They were quite annoyed at me when I said that wasn't going to happen.
DS2 has never known his dad and me together and DS1 was 3 when we broke up but it is still a dream of theirs