Help! Advice needed re contact, maintenance for Dh

[hiltontribe]

Long story cut short; I have been involved since dsd was 2, she's now 13. I'm married to Dh (her dad) and have been for 7 years. We have and 8 year old dd together.

Dsd's mum has a 5 year old from an ex-p who has no contact.

Dsd's mum has been sporadic in her life, she only had 1 day per week contact when dsd was 0-3. Court case ensued to get more regular contact, at a massive financial cost (we are still paying the bank loan back, and will be for some time yet). Dsd's mum got contact on a weekly basis, which we were happy about. However, this was not maintained and contact broke down to once a month/six weeks, mainly during school holidays for blocks of a week or two rather than consistent weekly contact.

Dsd's mum moved 70 miles away 2 years ago with her 5 yr old DS. Boyfriend also moved with her.

Contact maintained through holiday only contact and everything was fine.

Dsd goes to her mums in July for 2 weeks, then refuses to come home. After MUCH discussion and thought we agree to trial dsd living with her mum. Mum agreed to bring her back regularly for contact. Stressed that she didn't want any financial support.
We agreed to continue paying for Dsd's phone (£40 per month) and continue to provide weekly spending money of £30 monthly direct to dsd once she got a bank account set up, which they haven't sorted yet.

Phone call from mum to say that she can't manage Dsd's behaviour/back chat etc (which sounded like normal teenage behaviour that we had when she lived with us).
Boyfriend left just before Christmas and she has now been in contact to say that she can't maintain bringing her back for contact and needs financial support.

We're concerned, tbh I'd rather dsd came back to us as we can manage her behaviour and we can afford to look after her. Plus we have a court order that states she should be with us.
Dh doesn't want her to come back (he's very ill, mhealth) and the stress makes it worse.

What do we do?!
Do we suggest she comes back to us?
Do we agree an amount? What is reasonable, bearing in mind dsd took all her clothes, electrical belongings, make up etc and she got £500 for Christmas.
Dsd also has her nails done at the salon, says mum pays. Also goes to costa to meet friends, mum pays. Dsd also says that they are moving to a bigger house.
Should we have a chat with Dsd's mum about cutting down on spending? A aargh! I'm so confused!

[mumtobealloveragain]

How much is your DH paying to her mum at the moment in maintenance?

[hiltontribe]

Nothing. She was insistent that she didn't need it.

We currently fund Dsd's phone contract and have offered monthly spending money of £30 which is what she had when she lived here.

[eslteacher]

Why dont you use the online calculator as a starting point to see what you would pay if you went through official channels. But that is presuming your DSD stays living with her mum, which sounds by no means certain.

I don't think you should suggest that the mum reigns in her spending, that way arguments lie! I think you could offer a set amount of maintenance to the mum for DSD's living expenses, and a set amount of pocket money directly to DSD herself and make it clear that's it, no extras after except for presents for birthdays/Xmas obviously.

The issue of who DSD lives with considering it appears neither parent wants her full time any more...I don't know what to advise there I'm afraid. It sounds like you have her best interests at heart though...what do you think about your DH's position re her effect on his mental health? And how do you think your DSD would react to being sent back to live with you?

As she's 13, could she travel to see the non resident parent on the train by herself?

[lunar1]

The spending money and mobile phone wouldn't be taken into account would they if her mum went through csa. The money they would state would have to go directly to the mum.

Does her mum want her still? It sounds like she would be better off with you, does her dad really not want her to come back?

[eslteacher]

Yes lunar, I was thinking OP could use the calculated amount as a starting point and then make relevant deductions for money paid directly to DSD or for her phone bill etc. Presuming the mum isn't suggesting you actually do go through official channels for paying maintenance, but just saying she does in fact need some contribution after all.

[ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight]

Aren't you worried that she might end up playing house Hokey Cokey depending on who pays for stuff and who buys her the most?
I'd take the advice about paying maintenance and reducing it for anything regularly paid for, think her mum is realising its an expensive game buying the love of a teenager
Dsd probably thought it'd be a be of roses too and found the reality very different.
She may return to you, if you take her back, feeling very entitled and being demanding or threatening to go back to mums and vice versa, would a 50/50 arrangement be better do you think?
Also, keep receipts now for everything so you can prove maintenance has been paid in some form under an informal agreement.

[hiltontribe]

Dh is not ready for her to come back. It has caused the most almighty rift in the family, dh's mum has said we haven't done enough blah blah blah and has cut us, an DS (7yrs) out of her life. Dh's mum has put her house up for sale so she can move closer to be near dsd. She's the favourite of all the grandchildren.
Dsd has been quite mean about the move too. Text on ny eve to say 'can I have my bike and my passport next time you visit?' No mention of a hello, how are you etc. I appreciate she is only a 13 yr old but still, it is a bit harsh.
Dh has been badly hurt by all of this. He suffers with severe depression and was off work for 6 months last year due to having a breakdown, then had another 6 weeks off with the stress of dsd moving out and the resulting family breakdown.

I'll have to have a look at the online calculators. Thanks.

[hiltontribe]

Thingsthatgobumpinthenight
There's no chance of 50/50 care. Dsd lives over 70 miles away with her mum now. The distance is not possible.
Dsd's mum chose to move away from the area where we all live about 18 months ago. She rents so could move easily. Both myself and Dh have a mortgage together and jobs in the local area. Plus my parents are close by and provide child are for DS.
I wouldn't want to move to where dsd currently lives. It's rural (and I'm not keen on green!) and due to its rural location there are problems with crime, asb and drugs.