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Step-parenting

Step-grandad n access to grandchildren

7 replies

Charlie2000 · 02/01/2014 12:21

My step-dad left my mum for another woman 18 months ago. I have two children who always seen him as their grandad and they were very close to him. My mum has not wanted him to see the children and we have respected that as she was so upset about the separation. However my daughters still miss him, and he sends presents for birthdays and Xmas. The girls have said they would like to see him but I am worried that this will devastate my mum. We are considering letting them see them under supervision (ie. my husband will stay with them) but I know my mum will not like this, particularly as she now says he isn't their real grandad as he's a step-grandad. What would you do?

OP posts:
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PeterParkerSays · 02/01/2014 12:27

Ignore your mother. Sorry, but it's not up to her which adults have contact / relationships with your children. Plus the break-up of her marriage was 18 months ago.

However much of a twat the step-gandfather may have been to her, it doesn't negate the fact that he has remained in contact with your children so has stepped up for them. The girls want to see him. That is your answer if your mum asks you if they see him.

I could have written your post, I do understand how hard this is, but she doesn't get to direct the relationships of her grandchildren from afar.

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SoonToBeSix · 02/01/2014 12:28

I would put your children first and let them see the man who they view as there grandad. Your mum needs to be mature enough to
Understand they are separate relationships.

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SoonToBeSix · 02/01/2014 12:29

Their

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Sammie101 · 02/01/2014 12:30

I don't think your mum really has any right to dictate who your children see. They view your stepdad as their grandad and by the sounds of it he is a very good grandad!

If you are still comfortable and happy with them to keep seeing their grandad then I think you'll just have to explain that to your mum. Your children are not a weapon to be used to hurt someone else! Your mum wanting them to not see their grandad is only hurting them

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TheRobberBride · 02/01/2014 12:35

I think I would let the step grandad see the kids if you think he will be a positive presence in the their lives. I can see why your mum might be against it but it really isn't her decision.

Speaking from experience, my Grandma divorced her second husband when I was 12. He wasn't my 'real' grandad but he'd been around for my entire childhood and I adored him. My Grandma wanted to cut all ties after the divorce and my parents agreed because they didn't want to upset her. My siblings and I never saw him again. I was very very upset at the time and still wonder what became of him.

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PixieFairy · 02/01/2014 12:40

My dad and step mum split up when I was about 13. She was a huge part of my life and when they split my dad didn't want me to have anything to do with her - especially when I had children of my own. But I've always known her to be my step mum and I can't imagine just cutting her out to please him. Now, I just don't tell him when we pay her a visit.

How long were he and your mum together? Have the children always known him as granddad? If that's the case, to cut him out completely would be very confusing for them - especially if he's still willing to play an active role.

I understand your Mum feels betrayed and hurt but maybe in time she'll be more accepting of it? Have you tried explaining to your step dad that you feel awkward about things at the minute because of the situation and the fact you don't want to hurt your mum anymore than she has been.

Again, if your mum was quite happy for him to be called Grand dad when together but not when apart then it's rather confusing for them to be suddenly cut off from someone they were once so close to.

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lunar1 · 02/01/2014 15:11

Your mum has no right to ask this of you. She brought him into your lives, that is the extent of her rights on this one.

A step parent is not just disposable to be shoved into children's lives and then removed at the whims of the parent. Your mum should never have put you in this position.

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