Sorry, this is likely to be long. I have name changed, but post regularly on the SP boards. I am a mum and a SM. I have lived with DP for 4 years - his DCs live with us 50%, mine 60%. I am posting here because I'm a bit afraid of the relationships board, and you guys understand some of my concerns about the DCs and SDCs.
I am in a dilemma. I am quite unhappy in my relationship with DP. My feelings go up and down, although over the last 2 or 3 months, they have been more down than up. We are very different. He is quite insular, independent, happy in his own company. I am quite outgoing, also independent, like to have people around me though.
So what is the problem? Well, DP is reluctant to get to know my friends. We have been together over 5 years, and he doesn't really know any of my "old" friends, and shows no interest in doing so. I have lost touch with a few, and see most of the others on my own, without him. We have had many rows about this, and about how I would like him to come with me sometimes. He doesn't show much interest in any new friends I've met since moving here to live with him.
He doesn't talk much, and rarely about his feelings. I enjoy talking. I often try to start a conversation, but he is mono-syallbic in response. This isn't how he was when we met. When we met, he was often out (clearly he was looking to meet someone, so then you HAVE to go out!), he had lots of friends from his hobby (which I also do now with him, and these are our only joint friends). He was open and communicative, he paid me compliments and was very affectionate. It was one of the things about him that I liked, and fell for, but it feels that side of him has disappeared. He can go for entire days without really speaking to me other than to discuss what we will have for lunch - practicalities. The last time he told me I looked good was New year's eve 2011. Words are important to me, and so I remember..
There is very little banter, or laughing. I am quite envious of friends who have "open houses", where people knock and come in for a cup of tea. This is how I loved by myself, but it doesn't happen in this house, and I think much of that is because DP clearly doesn't like it. He doesn't chat, or laugh, or engage with anyone who pops in. If they do pop in, he assumes they're here just to see me (maybe they are?!), and asks me afterwards why they came. Do they need a reason? They came on the off chance we were in. No-one really pops in any more.
I often have a "sinking" feeling in my stomach. It is a real physical feeling. So if he rebuffs an attempt at conversation, I feel hurt, and disappointed. If he rebuffs my attempt to hug him or kiss him, I get it then too. It's like the opposite of butterflies of excitement. He has often told me not to expect anything from him, and then I won't feel disappointed. But I feel disappointed by that in itself - that I can't expect anything. It means I feel I am living with disappointment on a daily basis.
Our children are very different too. Mine are quite outgoing like me, enjoy other kids around, like going out, meeting people. They are also both quite musical. DP's children are into computers, the eldest is a loner who doesn't really talk much, like his dad. Again, these things I can deal with.
However, it leads to issues. Such as, I used to sing a lot with my kids in the car. Wherever we went. This has stopped, because it irritates DP and his kids, who just want to listen. Ok, we compromised, now we just sing if there's only us in the car. I get told off for humming along to theme tunes on the TV.
DP is strict about things like table manners. So am I, our kids behave beautifully, and we often take them out to eat with no concerns. But he doesn't really chat at the table, he nit picks all the little things, eg. gets cross if someone accidentally puts the tomato sauce bottle too low down when squeezing and gets potato on it (instead of simply saying "oops, DS, best get a cloth to wipe that, he'll tell them off). We have argued over this many times, and I find him too much like a house master, not enough like a dad. He is also terribly neat and tidy, and hates ANYTHING lying around out of place. So there is a lot of "DSx can you put your shoes/coat/hat/book/pencil/toy away." Which I get, but he is anal to the extreme.
All this has come to a head tonight. We had a fun new years eve, and I thought, ok maybe things will be all right. But my youngest DS got an instrument for Christmas. He has been learning to play it for several months, and is showing quite a bit of talent. It is a noisy instrument however (although it is an electronic version so he can listen with headphones - but it still makes noise in the house). So every time he starts to practice (it is currently in his bedroom), he is shouted at to stop.
I am increasingly feeling that my, and my children's creativity is being stifled. I know these things sound small, and that they can be compromised on - but I feel that we are doing all the compromising to accomodate the quieter, more sedate DP and kids.
On the other hand, the kids all get on very well, and they are used to eachother and to living together. They play together, and we have done significant work in "blending" our families over the last 4 years. I worry that if I left DP, my kids would be so upset. I would be putting them through another relationship break up. I do know DP's ex well enough (we are friendly) to be able to say that my DCs could still see his DCs (especially the younger one, to whom my eldest is very close). They could come and stay sometimes, or to play after school. They are at the same school.
But on the other side, is it good for them to see that I chose to bring them up in a house where the two adults don't really laugh, or talk?
I have raised all these issues with him, including the instrument one. I am prepared to try to reach a compromise, eg. DS can play between x o'clock and y o'clock, but not if anyone is watching TV (directly below!), but he just says "DS must be allowed his full freedom, since that is what you want, and I am curtailing it", and refuses to discuss further. So while it appears I have what I want, it is at the price of discussion, and at the cost of his, and his DCs' resentment that DS can bang away any time he wants. This extreme reaction is frequently DP's way of dealing with conflict.
What to do? Thank you for listening, it helps to get it off my chest.
In financial terms, I am not worried. I earn well, I can support myself and could afford to buy a house for us, and/or rent in the meantime.
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Step-parenting
Not sure what to do about me and DP
Hmmm2014 · 01/01/2014 21:01
Do you love him? Do you get anything out of the relationship? It all sounds very negative. 
. Do you have date nights or get time alone. MyDH and I go for long walks together and I find that it is an important part of our relationship as we really chat.
How do you picture your life with him once the kids have left home?
Thank you all. Pretty much confirms my feelings.
Frogstar, I discovered Dr Harley's love banks and emotional needs a few months ago. I know what mine are, and have discussed with DP on numerous occasions. We have both completed his emotional needs questionnaire, and spent an evening discussing them. My responses to the questionnaire were very clear, and full (!). DP's were very short, tick box responses. He seems to have very few needs emotionally, or he has repressed them. I, however, find myself being very "needy" and I just don't think he is equipped with the emotional capacity to give me what I need, at least not long term. I hate the neediness, which comes out in me trying to show him affection, asking for hugs - actually all things I shouldn't even HAVE to ask for. Let alone have my requests turned down.
Twolefthands, yes i am holding back. I hold back on making social arrangements, and on singing and dancing, and on being silly. When an invitation arrives in my inbox, my first thought isn't "excellent, that'll be good". It's "I bet DP won't want to go". I actually store invites up to ask him when I think he's in a relaxed mood, and I worry about asking him. That's not right is it?
So I don't really see that there is anywhere left to go. I've had so many conversations with him about my concerns, he's promised to change behaviours so many times, but ultimately I can't make him into someone he's not. Even though he appeared to be that man in the beginning! I just don't have any energy left for it any more. I feel exhausted.
Hmmm2014, your situation sounds remarkably similar to a longterm relationship I had (my first really serious one). I made the mistake of thinking I could change my xDP, make him affectionate, to need me the way I needed him and make him more outgoing. This is somewhat unlike your situation, in that you have been led to believe your DP was already all these things and now the facade has crumbled and he is saying you've got what you've got. This is a painful realisation for you, I am sorry to read your words, because they show how hurt you are, when your dreams are broken, after believing him.
My DP was so self sufficient (due to being the blue eyed boy only son and apple of his DMs eye, so felt he didnt need to make any effort and could get unconditional love). So it got to the point where he could sit at one end of the sofa, me at the other and never feel the need to reach out, to hug and really engage. But, hey guess what, when it came time for "what he wanted" suddenly the switch would flick on and he turned on the charm! How used did that make me feel!
The choice I faced was either accepting that things would always be like this or empower myself to move forward. After a lot of soul searching I did end the relationship, at which point he swore blind for months on end, letters phonecalls (anger from his DM in letters and calls) - "I will change, I can be more affectionate". Thankfully my intuition told me that people are either innately demonstrative, or they are not, and 'forcing' that change would be wrong. I remember him trying to cuddle me, and It felt like I was hugging a plank of wood, he was so uncomfortable!
I am not suggesting you split up. But just sharing my experience, because it was only my gut instinct that made me realise things could never be right. I am now with a man who is affectionate by nature, it comes naturally to him so i dont need to be on rations or to compromise. It is critical you don't compromise on things you really need. If your gut feel says things arent right, then it is worth paying heed to that.
I am somewhat skeptical of the theories of relationship banks, because by rights, I could have stayed put and "drawn" on the other aspects such as the intellectual or humour aspects of my exP to balance things out, but it would have always been a massive compromise.
I hope you can work through your feelings and your situation for the best interests of you and your DCs, you sound strong and well able to stand your ground!
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