Even simple things are complex in a blended family

[FrogStarandRoses]

I hate it. My DH and I have agonised for weeks over something that would be a no-brainer in a "conventional" family setup, and even now we've made a decision, I'm going to be on tenderhooks waiting for the fallout.

My DD (13) spends half of her time here, and half with her Dad (1 week each). DH's DS (10) used to have regular, court-ordered contact (approx 1 week in three) but contact broke down about 3 months ago after DH and his ex had a falling out over their DD (16), who is also no longer in contact with DH - she asked for DH's help after getting caught shoplifting, but then avoided the consequences and eventually "confessed" to her Mum when DH told her that he was no longer prepared to keep it a secret.

DH's DD's Mum has made "not speaking to DH" one of the conditions for supporting her through college, and DH's DS is now refusing to see DH aswell - with lots of different reasons being given, including being scared of DH, not liking me, etc.

DH's DS's Mum has applied to to Court have all contact stopped - the court date is in January.

Anyway, my DD's bedroom is damp. We need some structural work outside, which is planned for next spring, but in the meantime, she has been sleeping every other week in a damp bedroom. DH and I have been debating for over 6 months abut whether to "move" her room into the bigger spare/office room. We finally decided to do it today and have spent the day moving furniture. It looks great, DD will be thrilled and it means we can repair the water damage.

It's possible that if DH's DS ever comes here again he won't care about the changed rooms (he has his own room which hasn't been touched) - but it's also possible that any progress towards reestablishing contact in the future could be totally scuppered when DH's DS visits if he decides that he does't like/think it is fair that DD has been given a new bedroom. It's more likely that he will care - he used to get upset/cross if anything changed between his visits when he wascoming regularly; I remember the fallout from changing a light-switch!

It might be months before DH's DS ever visits again - and when he does, this one thing, done for practical reasons, could make the difference between his contact being sucessful or not.

It's crazy - I won't put my DD's life on hold, but equally, simple decisions DH and I make now will have consequences that might last a lifetime.

[JollySantersSelectionBox]

It was a practical decision that you had to take as adults. Your DD could get ill.

[ashtrayheart]

I assume his room wasn't damp? In which case yanbu I would say.

[purpleroses]

I would just exaggerate how bad the damp was to DSS - Eg - poor DD had to move away from her bedroom and make do with the study/spare room because of all the damp and mould. Make sure the carpet is up at the time when he comes next if possible. Luckily DSS's room is OK so he gets to keep his room..... that type of thing.

I don't think it's really blended families exactly that's making your life tough though - it's fearing the cutting of contact for the slightest little thing :( But you can't go living your whole life on tenterhooks can you?

[elliebellys]

You can not put your life on hold just in case dss comes again,do whats best for your family.this has been going on for far too long now.:(.i thought youseemed to be making headway with dsd?.such a shame.x

[FrogStarandRoses]

ellie we were.

One evening she and I were planning a charity mountain-climbing trip arranged through her college then the next day a curt "please don't contact me again" text, blocked on FB and twitter and messages to DH via her Mum that she hates us both and never wants to see us again.

The scant messages we've had since indicate she's struggling to deal with her mum - but at least her mums honest; DHs ex has told him that she won't fund her DD through college if she speaks to DH (or I). DHs DD knows that her Dad and I will support her if her Mum won't, but that means defying her mum, and she just can't do it :-(

Unfortunately, it's likely that the text messages DSD sent me over the summer will come out in court - DHs ex seems determined to drag DSD into it even though its about DHs DSs contact.

[theredhen]

Just do it.

I know you can't help but think of the "consequences" but I think you need to see each action for what it is and not over think it.

My dsd1 gets upset over anything, a different angel on the Xmas tree to whether her sister has had a yogurt she likes at our house whilst dsd1 has been at mums.

I think about my actions a lot because of her "issues and insecurities" but I'm trying to just take things as they come and see them for what they are.

Your daughter needs to change rooms because of damp. It's that simple.

[FrogStarandRoses]

Thanks redhen - I know you're right, these are his issues, not mine and I can't influence how his parents chose to address their DS issues.

purple - I hadn't looked at it like that til now - this isn't a 'blended family' issue really. What I am reacting to and trying to compensate for is the low value that my DHs DS places on his relationship with his dad. If he loved his Dad and enjoyed spending time with him/us, he wouldn't opt out of contact at the slightest excuse, would he?