I feel like the middle man...help or advice greatly appreciated!

[K8eee]

So finally after the last 3 years dh and I have been together things seem to be looking slightly better between dh and his ex; apart from one of the few minor things that are going on.

Dss has been flared up by his school with possible ADD. He had an ECG done yesterday to rule out epilepsy but will have further testing I think for ADD. Anyway, dh's ex is ridiculously worried and doesn't know what to do with herself. To be fair, I'm unsure how I would feel as I've yet to have a child (am currently pregnant with baby #1, please be kind to me if you had any harsh criticism) but obviously it would be worried but it's not a life or death situation. Last night dh and his ex were chatting on the phone as she has lots of worries; dh isn't as worried as dss is a clone of him and between the two of them their personality traits are pretty much exactly the same. I have read up on ADD and it can be genetic, hence why dh isn't worried as he has grown up to be a well developed guy who has his head on his shoulders and luckily has made a good business for himself. Basically he's not stupid, but will only really pay attention to subjects that he takes a lot of interest in (typical ADD sign!) dh was trying to explain this to his ex but she wasn't having any of it, tried to start an argument, but dh felt it wasn't necessary and told her she shouldn't worry as he was exactly the same as dss when at school but he turned out fine.

Moving on, this morning I wake up to find a message from her via Facebook, basically saying he doesn't give a shit, and he doesn't support her enough or dss. It's as though she wants me to do something about it, but these messages in the past never get me or her anywhere. I'm wondering if she's trying to make me convert dh, but how can I nag him on how he parents his own child?! Or am I being a bit stupid?

[eslteacher]

What does she actually want from your dh? Something tangible like paying for private testing? Or she wants him to take an active role with the school and pushing for a diagnosis? Or for him to emotionally support her in so far as joining in with her worrying?

[K8eee]

The school have said they can't do anything at the moment until he starts having tests; I've advised her and tried to support her in the sense of that there are so many kids out there who have ADD/ADHD that it can be dealt with but all in good time (I used to work in a child health department) I think it is more emotional support she wants but dh isn't a worrier and the amount of times he has tried explaining to her that as he was the same as a kid, and he hasn't turned out so bad, that dss will be fine

[paperlantern]

any diagnosis period is a fraught time, regardless of the level of difficulty. It is all about uncertainty. especially if you are the resident parent.

whilst it is comforting that you guys are so confident that this isn't a problem, there are any number of reasons why she is not. yes she might be over worrying but then again she might be seeing things you are not or don't want to.

It might be more reassuring actually to acknowledge her feelings " the diagnosis process is always difficult" reassure "we are sure it's all going to be ok" and if your on good terms point her to local support.

tbh would find your attitude quite dismissive too

[mumandboys123]

I have special needs children, not huge needs, but enough to have a significant impact on their progress in school and needs that can easily be dismissed as 'thick' or 'not interested'. My ex refuses to acknowledge it on the same basis that he had the 'same' issues and that he is 'OK' now. Well, no, actually, he's barely literate in my opinion, certainly can't spell, and is unable to correct mistakes such as 'their, there, they're' and 'we're, were'. My ex doesn't believe this is a problem - ignoring the fact that he has been sacked and/or left 3 jobs before he was sacked on the basis of his 'inability to meet the demands of the job'. In other words, he can't do the necessary paperwork to a decent enough standard. He's an intelligent man and if someone had supported him from an early age, I believe he would be in a different place today and far less stressed out and angry about how life has turned out. But I could be wrong. We'll never know.

Your DH may well feel his son is OK now but that's all relative and depends very much on what he wanted to achieve in life. These issues can be overcome, I agree, but they need to be acknowledged and worked with rather than pretending that they don't exist. There are thousands and thousands of adults out their not achieving their potential because someone, somewhere, glossed over their specific difficulties at a young age. You DH has achieved much in life. Did someone help him? If not, what might he have achieved if his specific needs had been acknowledged and worked with?

I am not sure you'll win with this one. But I would encourage your DH to realise that just because he's OK, doesn't mean that his son will be OK and it doesn't mean that he should overlook the issues his son might be facing.

[paperlantern]

����� spot on

[TheBrotherHoodOfSteel]

Your attitudes are dismissive and quite frankly I don't blame her for being so worried about the uncertain future. She is worrying that her child may never reach his full potential and that is frightening. Just because your husband shows signs of having it means nothing and comparing them is ridiculous and dangerous. You don't know how things will pan out at all. She will see things you don't see and she is the one who has to cope with it on her own!
Stop patronising her and give her support. She's allowed to be worried about her child.

[TwoCatsInTheYard]

I suspect that your dh telling his ex that there son will grow up to be fine, just like him, is not terribly helpful. Unless they had a very amicable split, she probably thinks he has lots of character failings - they are exes for a reason! The last thing she is likely to want is her son to be just like a man she couldn't live with.

[benid]

I thought the OP's issue was about the fact that DH ex was contacting her rather than DH... I think the 2 parents should deal with it between them. OP - in your situation I would have my say about it to DH but then any further discussions would be between him and his ex. If I didn't agree with what DH thought I'd take it up with him. But definitely wouldnt see it as my place to put his case to his ex!
You will be stressed as it is with the pregnancy and if it were me, I'd not get into a discussion directly with DH's ex.
Hope you get it all sorted for DSS x

[cappy123]

I'm not being flippant but why are you friends with her on FB? Do you communicate with each other on it for some vital reason? I would imagine that even when things are more stable (which from what you've said it hasn't really been till recently) that being FB friends with her would be stress inducing. You don't need it.

[K8eee]

We're not friends but she can still message me. I don't initiate contact with her, but by the seems of things she feels if she can't contact me I for care about dss.

[K8eee]

Benid yep that is what my post was about. I totally get she wants emotional support, but I thought I'd be the last person she would want it from