I'll try to be as brief as I can, without giving need to dripfeed.
I have two SDC's; a 16yo boy and his 12yo sister. I've been an active part of their lives for the last three years; initially by living with them,
and for the last two years they've been resident with us during the school holidays. They would be with us much more, but DP's exDW moved to the children to pretty much the other end of the country, to a place with very poor transport links- realistically due to cost and logistics of getting to a very isolated village. public transport isn't an option. To add to the complication, DP isn't able to drive so it all falls to me. It now takes around 7 hours to get to them, thus having them during school holidays is pretty much the only time it's feasible. We try, whenever we can, to see them in between holidays, but it's very difficult.
Over the course of the last two years, his exDW has consistently told lies about me to the children, his parents, joint friends etc. All of them deeply unpleasant and hurtful- some examples: I have a personality disorder which makes it dangerous for her children to be near me (I don't); I've turned DP against her and ruined her chances of reconciliation (I think she may have done that when she left him for another man. For the second time...); I've persuaded DP that he shouldn't pay maintenance so she hasn't ever received a penny (he pays her more than double what the csa recommend- we do the household accounts together, so I've seen it)... the list goes on. The consequences of it has had the effect of making in making my SDC's become less happy to spend any time with me. It's got so far now that last time the children were here, DSS was telling me openly that he hated me, and hoped that I would slink off and die. That everyone would be happier, my own children included, if I wasn't around. I've got a life threatening allergy to a food, that both he and his mother know about. She, however, claims it's fabricated despite me being admitted to icu with it once. He decided that he was going to test this by taking the foodstuff, and smearing it around all the clean crockery and cutlery, knowing full well what would happen. Luckily DP caught him in the act, and dealt with it appropriately. DSD occasionally behaves in a similar, though less openly hostile manner- she still tells me she loves me, for example, and is only openly unpleasant if I make what she sees as unreasonable requests of her. Things like showering and changing clothes, not wearing dirty, ripped clothes, putting laundry in the basket to be washed etc.
The arrangements for the christmas holiday were that DP's children would be with their mother for the week of Christmas, but with us for the week of New year. We would collect them and return them. At the weekend we got a message from DP's exDW informing us the children no longer wanted to visit us. Dp replied saying, ok, fine, but that we'd still like to come up, give the children our gifts considering it was too late to post them and spend some time with them. It was agreed we'd take them out for the day and then go out for dinner before taking them home.
Yesterday, DP received a very angry email from his exDW, stating that the children were unhappy he wasn't going to spend christmas with them, and that she thought he should camp in their garden for the full two weeks they were off school. Apparently they were also devastated that I would be bringing their Dad, as they wanted it to be just him on his own. DP has spoken to them about it, and said he could hear his ex in the background, whispering things like "Just tell him! Tell him you don't want her anywhere near you! Tell him he MUST come on his own!" The SDC have now decided that it's ok that I'm bringing their dad to see them, but that they want nothing more to do with me other than to use me as a taxi service to take them where they need to go. They might decide that it's ok for me to have dinner with them, but that they can't decide that until the day at the earliest, probably more likely just before they're due to eat....
I'm pretty devastated. I love those children like I love my dc's, and I've put so much time, energy and effort into developing a good relationship with them- it all feels like it's for nothing now; like this is the icing on the cake. That being said, I can't begin to imagine the strain that they must feel, particularly in light of what DP heard last night, and I have absolutely no wish for them to be forced into spending what precious little time they have with their father doing something they don't want to do; hence DP and I have decided that it's probably best for everyone if I do what they want and not spend any time with them other than to pick them up from home, and drop them off again.
So, with all this in mind (and by god I'm sorry it's such an essay), WIBU to include a card from me along with their gifts saying words to the effect of "I'm sorry we didn't get to spend much time together, but I love you both and hope you have a great time"?
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Given the circumstances, WIBU to...
GoddessofSuburbia · 19/12/2013 11:54
You are being so understanding - I hope your DH is giving you lots of support. This must be so painful for you - my heart goes out to you 
the main thing I have learnt through some of the hard times of step-parenting is to rise above it all and still behave properly yourself even if you'd be justified in killing that bloody woman so yes, send them a card.
I think you are a bloody saint!!!
No way would I give in to these demands and I would be really upset if my DP went along with such ridiculous suggestions.
Fair enough, give them time alone but why should you be used as a taxi service and treated like shit by these kids? OK its their mums influence but surely your DP should stand up for you? It's not right.
for you!!!
Sorry i haven't been back to this thread; rl got in the way... 
I'm so glad the general consensus is that it would be ok to send the card; it's what my heart wants to do, but my head fears that it would/could be seen as a malicious attempt at manipulation by exW and her friends. Sometimes it's hard to see things objectively, which makes me doubt myself.
DP is nothing but wonderfully supportive. When we see the children, he pulls them up on things if they are anything other than polite and respectful in what they say or do- the problem is it doesn't stop them from saying/doing them in the first place, particularly SDS! DP hates the situation, but there is very little either of us can do about it. ExDW chose to move the children 30miles north of the nearest civilisation place to do anything other than visit the general store. Literally. Buses only run twice a day, Monday to Friday. ExDW, of course, refuses to do anything to help ease this situation- "well, Goddess' bloke, if you can't make the effort to pick them up, why should I bring them to you?" was all she had to say about it. And so the reality is, if I don't pick them up etc, DP won't be able to see them at all. Which isn't fair on him or, more particularly, them. I think, despite my feelings on it, this is one time when I'm going to have to take a hit for the team.
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Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I feel I should point out again that neither I nor especially, DP allow the disrespectful behaviour of the children to go unpunished. They are both very aware of how we expect them to behave. However, as I said above but maybe didn't make clear enough, they choose to be unpleasant to me in the full knowledge that there will be a consequence to be paid and still choose to. There are actually very few consequences we can use, aside from DP talking to them/shouting at them/showing his displeasure.
We see them for a total of 7 weeks in a year, they have no friends here so grounding them has no effect whatsoever. Their usual routine at home is to be in their rooms all the time they aren't at school or eating, so they have no interest in going out anyway. They aren't used or indeed allowed to spend pocket money with their mother, so hitting them financially by withdrawing money is meaningless, as using money for pleasure isn't a concept they understand. We don't have a tv or any gaming system apart from a wii (which they wouldn't dream of lowering themselves to use because it isn't a playstation ) isn't an option. Digital grounding, in the form of unplugging the router is the only thing we've found they're really bothered about. The only other option we can think of is to say that unless their attitude improves, they won't be welcome here. We are not going to do this, for obvious reasons, not the least because it would be incredibly cruel.
As for people saying DP should be able to get to pick them up himself, any ideas how? I'm genuinely asking. The nearest town is, like I said, 30 miles away, and pretty much all public transport finishes there apart from the almost none existent very infrequent bus service. The 30 miles consist of dual carriageway with not much provision for pedestrians, and tiny country roads with virtually no pavements either. A taxi would be extortionate, especially for two trips. It's just not feasible to walk. There isn't really a halfway point, and I very much doubt the exDW would allow the children to meet us there anyway; they aren't even allowed to walk to school on their own! Like I said, we just can't think of an alternative. The situation has arisen because ExDW changed the plans at such short notice. DP normally travels by coach/train to get them- booking them a good way in advance mean it's affordable; trying to book one with a week to go until he needs to travel almost requires a second mortgage. In terms of getting from their house to the city, previously exDW has been persuaded to bring them to meet DP. It looks as though that may have changed, so who knows what we'll do next time.
We are staying in a hotel, HamletsSister. We're kinda lucky in that the at least the city has some interesting things to do. We're also taking the Hellpup, so the plan is that after I've picked them up, we'll drive back to the city and I'll drop them off fairly centrally, before driving out somewhere nice and going for a long walk with the aforementioned dog. Then it'll be back to the hotel with room service, a long bath, a book and the whole bed to stretch out on.
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