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Do onto yourself as you'd have others do etc....

(6 Posts)
Loveineveryspoonful Sun 15-Dec-13 17:55:48

Would just like to share some recent and incredible insight with all the great sms out there who often feel used/slighted/ generally not appreciated...
Despite couple counseling and loads of good advice given, including MN!, I've discovered I have still been enabling dh and his dc to treat me any way they liked. Maybe it's just my need to be liked, to always give 110%, or to prove a point, I.e. blended families can work and I'd rather die than admit defeat etc etc but I never took one second to stop "controlling" the situation (lack of better word, or perhaps the exact word I'm looking for).
But for some mad reason I've now stopped pretending that I'm Mary Poppins and can accept our community for what it is: dh and I, ds and I, dh and dsc, and ds and dsc. These are the combinations that work and THATS FINE.
Wtf was I thinking?
What I'm thinking now is that dh is responsible for his dsc on all levels (and yes, it gives me immense just a teensy tiny bit of satisfaction to see dh flounder a bit in situations I would normally preside over; do my own thing instead of pandering to ungrateful/ rude dsc, including own ds when he thinks they're behaviour is worth copying...
It breaks my heart to read about yet another sm who's treated badly and asks if its her or is she ok in feeling bad about sth?
Your dp's married/ moved in with you, the woman, not some batty bitch (sorry, just liked the alliteration) who thinks she can move mountains in an attempt to create love and harmony among a bunch of complete strangers.
Be yourselves, be kind, but don't feel compelled to become doormats.Stay the fab, fun women you were wine

Aroundtheworldandback Sun 15-Dec-13 19:08:01

You are so right- I just got to your way of thinking more quickly. I told dh very early on that with my own children I do not look to be popular, I am their mother; and with his children I will also tolerate nothing short of the consideration that I show them. Look where that got me! Nowhere precisely. I have a relationship with only one out of three of his dcs. But one cannot undo the effects of an entire life of Disney parenting- and no, I will never be a doormat.

Kaluki Tue 17-Dec-13 11:37:01

What a lovely post OP.
I was the same when I met DP, determined that we would all end up like the Waltons, one big happy family. Once I realised life isn't like that and accepted that we are in fact 2 families who collide EOW and can muck along together quite happily it took a lot of pressure off me.
Initially I was the disciplinarian and DP just backed me up, but I got sick of being the bad cop so I backed off and left him to it.
I have relaxed a lot and DP has toughened up and together we have met somewhere in the middle and it works.

KeepTryin Wed 18-Dec-13 00:38:41

I came on this board, scared to post but looking for something like this! Thank you for writing it! 3 years down the line I've reached a point where I feel it's time to take a step back. Not sure how I go about it as DH is sometimes at work during access, but for my sanity and marriage think I have to. hmm How do you balance this with your rules for your own DC do they don't feel that SC get away with more?

Xalla Wed 18-Dec-13 12:55:08

Fab post OP. Love it.

Loveineveryspoonful Wed 18-Dec-13 15:33:33

Thanks for all your lovely comments, glad to be of service!

Keeptryin, the kids are near to each other in ages and have all the same rules. Dh decided that dsd did not have to follow rules that closely or could opt out. Dss does not have that option. I see the problem more related to dss and dsd and their relationship to dad and each other.
I talk to ds about certain issues and make it clear to him that I have different values and he's old enough to understand (15). And he can see for himself the problems dsd has for not being parented properly (neither parent sets rules, used to bother me, now not so much).
I don't want to rescue anyone anymore, I don't want to resolve issues that are not my concern. I want to make my ds feel loved and cherished and supported. And I'll do my best to be a good wife. Full stop.

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