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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

MIL doesnt want to know her new baby grandson

15 replies

littlemissmousey · 15/12/2013 14:57

Hello, long story but i'll try and stick to the facts. Dh has 2 kids from ex girlfriend, my dsd and dss. His mum adores them as she should. She has always been cold towards me but since we have been married she actually lothes me. Hubby says she will never change and thinks she only hates me because i dared marry her only child! We now have our own baby boy. Since his birth in july she has cut all contact with us. Hubby rings her, has popped round and invited her to ours but she says she wants nothing to do with me or my son. She sees dss and dsd via the ex which is mad in itself as they always hated eachither. What would you do?

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skippy84 · 15/12/2013 14:59

I would leave her to it to be honest, that dosen't sound like someone I would want in my or my child's life

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PavlovtheCat · 15/12/2013 15:01

Harsh as it must be, sounds like you are better off without her around. I can't see anything positive that you or your DS would get from having her in your life. Accept it, and remind her of her attitude should she ever come grovelling back. Simply don't invite her to be part of your life. Do you have your own mum around?

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needaholidaynow · 15/12/2013 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

littlemissmousey · 15/12/2013 17:51

Thanks fir the replys. Yes my own parents love their grandson and also their step grandchildren. What i cant get my head around is that ds is her biological grandson, the same as hubbys older two so why is she treating him so badly?! It hurts me that she is pretending he doesnt exist, how can someone be so cold?!! Dh is furious with her and feels bad for me. His mum has told him that he can brind dsd and dss round but not me and ds!

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passedgo · 15/12/2013 18:04

Good god the woman sounds like a complete maniac. How bizarre is that to not want involvement with your own grandchildren?

On the other hand - it's a great way of seeking attention, creating a drama and asserting yourself as the queen bee of the hive. Seeing your DGCs with the EX is also a brilliant way of getting DS to be sad and wistful and wanting Mummy back on his side.

She's a first class narcissist, manipulative and also slightly vile. I would try and find a way for you and DH to understand and accept her behaviour, but watch and wait on the sidelines while she psychologically implodes.

She is doing all this to reel you in - what you have to do is not take the bait. These people never cease to amaze me.

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iluvsummer · 15/12/2013 18:40

I'm in the same situation evil MIL dotes on dss to the point where she has involved social services to try and get him to live with her permanently and taken away from his mum. Me and dh have a nearly 3 year old and she walks past him an me in the street, we have been nc for 18 months but dh still sees her as he is in the fog and feels some sort of obligation towards her, god knows why due to to trouble she has caused. From day 1 pil have not bothered with my ds, they even used to call dss number 1 grandson in front of me when I was holding ds. For me it's no loss as I see them for the scum that they are BUT my dh has got massive issues from their parenting and the way they behave which in turn effects our relationship.

It is not an easy road to take going nc but for my sanity I had to and also who will protect your child from their toxic ways if you don't? Your husband has to be 100% behind you for this to work, unfortunately mine isn't and it causes a lot of problems and if I'm honest if I'd known just how screwed up his whole family were I would have run a million miles from them and not have got involved!

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littlemissmousey · 15/12/2013 19:06

It amazes me that there are other people in the same situation. How can you not love a child that is your own flesh and blood? I agree with people above that my ds is better off without her in his life and i have decided that i do not want sucj a vile witch in my life either. Hubby is not 100% in agreement as he has agreed to take dss and dsd to see her at christmas leaving me and ds at home. We argued about this as you can imagine. How women can treat their sons and their families is beyond me. She makes mu blood boil

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eslteacher · 15/12/2013 20:27

Crazy. EVEN IF she had some justified reason for disliking you, it is just horrible and cruel to take that out on your DS too, who as you say is her grandchild just as much as your DSC.

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Meow75 · 15/12/2013 20:38

It's not worth arguing with your DH over her ridiculous attitude, maintain your good relationship with your husband.

The next time he is due to and see her, say "Ok love, I'm gonna do x, y and z while you go and make your visit. See you later" and give him a kiss.

Then, get on with your day. This is the best way to deal with her. When DH gets back, don't ask about the visit. It's of no interest to you, offer a cup of tea or whatever, and continue to get on with your day.

I'm sure she'll soon realise from comments that your DH might drop in that her attitude towards you doesn't affect you one tiny bit. And, as incomprehensible that you might find that attitude, out of the two options, no contact with her has got to better than putting up with her behaviour towards you and your child.

Leave her to it - your SDC's will soon ask her about the reasons why their sibling isn't welcome at her house. I wouldn't shield them from it - and your baby is young enough to not care for a while yet.

All the best

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iluvsummer · 15/12/2013 20:39

It is crazy but unfortunately there are plenty of toxic people out there like that! My pil are poison through and through, if I listed everything they have done it would take weeks. They are toxic and narcissistic and will not take any responsibility for their actions, they perceive them as being perfectly normal but to everyone else they are clearly not!

I mean what kind of people blank their grandchild, say when he's a baby that they will not be looking after him as they are far too busy with dss to bother, call him a little f*er when he's 8 months old, constantly buy for dss and nothing for ds and walk past him in the street?

The benefits of nc totally outweigh the emotional and mental trauma he would endure if he did have contact. As it is he wouldn't know them if they did star jumps in front of him!

My dhs reaction to them have also shown me just what a weak person he is!

Good luck and stick to your guns don't let anyone try to persuade you to do anything you don't want to do you need to have your child's wellbeing first and foremost.

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littlemissmousey · 15/12/2013 21:48

Thank you all for the advice. Itsaddens me that others are going through this too. I will stick to my guns as much as i can. Dsc never want to go round to her house, i think they have picked up the vibes between her and their mum fir years now even tjough they seem to be getting on now. My consience is 100% clear that i have done nothing wrong to cause this so i will focus on loving my boy and dsc and bring them up to be nothing like their grandmother

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passedgo · 16/12/2013 09:15

If he had any , I would have suggested dh focuses energy on his siblings, keeping contact with other members of the family. As he has none, you might have to adopt him into your own loving, caring, (normal) family.

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Kaygunner · 16/12/2013 09:40

Do u think this might be a whole your not good enough for her darling son sort of situation? As you said that the mil and husbands ex used to not get on but now do? Did the ex go thru the same thing from her until ex and husband split? Now she's all over her and your the new baddy in this taking her son away. (If any of that makes sense) x

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iluvsummer · 16/12/2013 12:58

my situation I was not good enough for dh in pil eyes, whatever! I was financially solvent, own house, no baggage, good job etc but they didn't want him to leave home as he bailed them out financially to the tune of thousands and they cleared his savings! He was married before me not to dss mother but someone else and they lived with pil as pil wanted to give them a good start to married life, ironically the marriage lasted 3 months and his wife walked out! Says it all really!!

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littlemissmousey · 16/12/2013 14:02

Hiya. Yes i do think its because she thinks im not worthy of her son. She has called me scum and that my family are rough. My family have always given me all they can and do not deserve the insult but we are all better than her. She has more material things than my family but we have love and respect which is more important. Yes the ex was treated really badly by her too, until our boy was born mil slagged her off continuously as well as me! Now as you say, i am the baddy. It makes me sad that she is like this