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Am I expecting too much from my dh

(11 Posts)
Aroundtheworldandback Wed 11-Dec-13 15:01:20

My dh and I married four years, each have two teens, none together. His two sons 16 and 19 have refused to acknowledge my presence from day one (not ow), although are unable/unwilling to give any reason for this.

We have so far holidayed with my children with his refusing to come if I go. Dh has now told me he would like to take his boys on holiday on their own. He is happy to take me and my dcs on the same trip another time. I have told him that in doing that he is pandering to, justifying their behaviour and showing disrespect to me, that as we are married should be a unit holidaying together. They are welcome as long as they do not ignore me and are respectful. Am I being unreasonable?

Dumpylump Wed 11-Dec-13 15:07:02

Given the history, I don't think you're being unreasonable..... but I also think that if that history wasn't there, then you probably wouldn't mind at all if the three of them went away on their own.
Has your dh tried sitting down with them and asking what exactly is their problem? They're young adults and if that's the stance they're choosing to take then I think they should be able to defend it (not to say I think it's defensible).

Dumpylump Wed 11-Dec-13 15:09:07

What I mean is, they should have to give some sort of explanation for their behaviour, rather than just doing teenagey stroppy "well just becauuuse" sighing and muttering.

FayeKorgasm Wed 11-Dec-13 15:09:58

No you are not unreasonable.

If you had been the OW, then fair enough but you were not. They are adults or nearly so, but their attitude shows unbelievable immaturity. (I am assuming that you have seen an open and considerate SM).

Your DH, whilst wanting to spend time with his DC, should be supporting you and not pandering to their childish attempts at control.

Best of luck. I think, sadly, you might need it!

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 11-Dec-13 15:56:26

Dumpy he has tried countless times they won't give any explanation. Having tried absolutely everything, i now completely detatch from them. Of course if things were different I wouldn't mind them going away together. Perhaps I am being immature myself, but the thought of them smirking that they succeeded in getting me out the picture on holiday is just too much.

Dh has now backed down and apologised to me. But because I love him knowing how much he wants to be away with them, right or wrong, I will just feel lousy when we take my kids away. I am just sad sad and frustrated that there are never consequences for their behaviour and the stance they have decided to take which affects all our lives.

Mumallthetime Wed 11-Dec-13 16:01:33

I don't think you are being unreasonable - I'm a stepmum who has been rejected by both DSC with no reasons given, and it would have been a deal breaker if DH had chosen to accommodate their rudeness in this way. (and they are both a lot younger).

I agree with the sentiment that you'd probably be quite happy for them to go away without you if it wasn't something the DSC were demanding. My DH has taken one/both of his DCs away at different times - but at no point has he done that because that's the only way he'd get to holiday with them.

As for promising to take you to the same place - that leaves a nasty taste in my mouth, I don't like that at all.

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 11-Dec-13 16:37:11

Mumaallthetime what consequences do your step children receive for their behaviour? Do you ever holiday together and just put up with being ignored? Older ss lives with us and I strongly feel that at almost 20, dh should tell him if he can't treat me with respect he should live elsewhere. My friends have told me that is unreasonable though as he can't lick his own son out. So we are all forced to live with it.

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 11-Dec-13 17:05:50

That should be kick not lick!

Mumallthetime Wed 11-Dec-13 17:44:45

Consequences? Well, they've chosen not to see DH at all because he refuses to tolerate their disrespect and rudeness.

In my DSC case, their behaviour is encouraged and supported by their Mum - DSS (10) recently announced that he'd 'prefer it' if I wasn't at home during his contact because 'we don't really get on'.
DH has pointed out that not only is that unreasonable, but there is a court order so DSS has to come. In response, DSS mum has applied to have the order lifted and requested that the court order for DSS to have contact with DH on his terms.

It's been relentless for 4 years - DsD graffitied on furniture in our home a few years ago and when DH made it clear that she would have to work off the cost of the damage, she didn't have any contact for 2 years.

Unless your DH is prepared to parent (and that includes expecting them to show you respect) without fear of his DCs 'voting with their feet' then you'll never receive the respect you deserve from them. In the situation you describe, my DH would have made it clear to his adult DCs what he expects from them and if they are not willing to behave respectfully towards me, then he wouldn't support them to share our home.

lunar1 Wed 11-Dec-13 18:54:21

Did your dh have other partners/girlfriends after he divorced? My dad went through a few, all which we were introduced to. After the second or third I remember my brother and I deciding we weren't going to make time for any more. It wouldn't have mattered who they were or how nice they were. Could this be a factor?

Aroundtheworldandback Wed 11-Dec-13 22:10:25

Mamaallthetime thank you for answering. With regards to your sd withholding contact for two years- it seems just a power struggle, as it so often is in these situations. It really is refreshing to hear of your dh's principals, it seems a rarity and you are very fortunate in having his support.

Not to excuse my dh in any way but he feels that as he lost a parent early in life, this is behind his terror of 'losing' his children. He is the most wonderfully supportive partner in every other way, but just finds it impossible to grow a pair with them, and they play this to the max.

Lunar I was his first girlfriend after his divorce. His children were used to coming first in every way, and did not take kindly to being treated equally to mine.

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