18yo Santa visit

[sequinsequins]

We are in an unusual position in that 18yo DSS still sticks to the access rota to the absolute letter. This weekend is an access weekend, and the only day we managed to get tickets for the santa train we go to every year with 4yo DS. I had (naively it turns out) assumed that an 18yo would not want to come to see santa. It turns out I was wrong, and he does. And let's not assume this is about wanting to see DS excited or similar - this is the same DSS who didn't turn up to see DS on his birthday, as it wasn't an access weekend (he lives 3 miles away so no issue there). He will come with us and traipse along, taking any possible joy out of the day.

This is never ending and quite frankly gets me down.

[CinnabarRed]

You've posted about him before, haven't you?

And you have been advised, repeatedly and under all your various name changes, that the problem is your DH's refusal to stand up to your older SS (often at the expense of your younger SS, who is on the autistic spectrum IIRC). You have also been given suggestions for practical solutions.

When are you going to implement them?

[otterface]

Well, maybe you really shouldn't have assumed that he wouldn't want to be part of a family day out for Christmas. I was reading your post waiting to see the problem. I thought maybe you couldn't get another ticket so now DH wasn't going or something like that. But no, it seems your problem is just that he'll be there at all. Poor kid, it must be awful for him to feel so unwelcome.

It sounds like you hoped you'd be rid of him at 18! Well, families don't work that way and guess what, he's family. I wonder how much joy you add to HIS days?

[sequinsequins]

Cinnabar I don't know who you think I am, but DSS isn't autistic. And as for DH 'standing up' to DSS - this really must be about another poster.

[sequinsequins]

"Well, maybe you really shouldn't have assumed that he wouldn't want to be part of a family day out for Christmas"

This isn't a 'family day out'. It's a short visit to Santa for a 4yo . We have other 'family days out' planned

[sequinsequins]

"It sounds like you hoped you'd be rid of him at 18! Well, families don't work that way and guess what, he's family."

I personally don't know any other families with 18 year olds who still go to see santa.

[FannyFifer]

Just tell him he can't come that weekend. [shrugs]

[sequinsequins]

I can't tell him that though can I. And really, there's no need to abandone the whole weekend for the sake of a short trip to santa

[FannyFifer]

Why can't you? He is 18 years old, an adult, just say the Santa train is got children and he can come later on that day.
The access arrangement really doesn't stand any longer, it's for children not adults.

[FannyFifer]

for children, not got.

[sequinsequins]

I agree with the sentiment fanny, but I'm not his parent and it's not ultimately me that makes the decision. It's a very very odd situation which I can't see changing in the medium term let alone the short term.

[Parsnipcake]

We are all going on the Santa train this year- me, dh, our 19,18,17,15,13 yr olds and baby who won't really know what's happening. I think it will be great fun. We have been doing it in and off for years and they love it ( and I love the sherry and mince pie). Just try to enjoy it.

[miggy]

Why can't he just stay at home while you go to see Santa? ( at your home I mean)

[Mishmashofstyles]

Plenty of eighteen year old siblings go to see santa with younger ones.
Aren't you a bit more mature than DSS, if you think he is too old? Perhaps DSS can have your ticket?

[absentmindeddooooodles]

My dsis and dbro still come to see santa with us. Thats at 20 and 22! Its a fsmily day out for the kiddies. Whats the issue with him coming too?

I can see why sometimes it would be slightly annoying that theres no flexibility to access arrangment especially at 18, but fgs its christmas. More the merrier!

[Spacecraft]

I think most parents would be thrilled their 18yo wants to come.

[sequinsequins]

He's not going because of DS, he's coming because it's an access weekend, and he believes the purpose of access weekends are to spend 24/7 with his dad. His dad is going to santa, so he is too. Unlike other 18yo's, family days out aren't something he does as part of his weekend, it is his weekend.

DS would be very upset if I didn't go - of course I will go.

"Why can't he just stay at home while you go to see Santa? ( at your home I mean)" - miggy, I have no idea

[Spacecraft]

What does DH think?

[sequinsequins]

DH on the one hand finds it odd and worrying that DSS has in effect not grown up and developed his own life in any way. He has no interest in doing his own thing or anything with friends for example. However due to all of that, I think he is worried of rocking the "access rota status quo". Therefore he hasn't particularly given any thought to instances such as these where the strict rota results in odd circumstances. For example, when an EOW visit is missed (e.g. due to DSS being on holiday with mum), then 4 weeks will pass between DSS coming here. The fact that DSS could easily hop on a bus to visit simply doesn't happen. The access rota says EOW, and the dates are set in stone. Important family events such as birthdays etc. are missed because they don't fall to the EOW pattern. It's a rut and there appears to be no way out.

[ReluctantStepMum]

At 18, tbh, he should get a life. I was living abroad at 18 after my A levels. He sounds rather immature and clingy. I agree with OP, why would he want to see Santa?

[RightsaidFreud]

I didn't even realize that access weekends still applied at 18- surely you're classes as an adult by then. I thought access weekends were for children.

[ReluctantStepMum]

Agree RightsaidFreud.

[Mumallthetime]

If he goes along on a family trip as a part of the family - making it fun for the little ones, singing carols, doing Santa impressions and generally mucking in to make it special for the DC it is intended for then I can see why he would be a bonus to have around.

If he tags along as a spare part, doesn't interact, refuses to engage, indicates through his behaviour that he'd rather be anywhere but with his Dads family, or that he believes that he should be the focus of attention then I can totally understand why the OP would prefer him not to go.

If I saw an adult-teen at a child focused event who wasn't integrated into a family unit - was trailing along behind, not getting involved and being a bit of a 'loner', then I'd be questioning his motives for being there tbh.

[LoveAndDeath]

OP, are you sure he isn't on the autistic spectrum? The rigid sticking to routines and the poor social skills sound like he could be?

[sequinsequins]

"I didn't even realize that access weekends still applied at 18- surely you're classes as an adult by then. I thought access weekends were for children"

Agreed - but unfortunately not the case in our family.

The access rota now actually gets in the way of him having a quality relationship with his father, rather than facilitating it

[TodgerDodger]

...So how about you talk yo your DH about it, talk to your DSS about it and reach a solution together.

Or you could just quietly seethe and complain about it on here.