Living all together not working. Should I combine finances with DP to modify my house to meet our needs?

[FallenTrees]

DP moved into my home a few years ago, and his three DCs have come to us (that's me and my DS) regularly, about 40-50% of the time, since then.

It's had its ups, but more downs to be honest, and we have always said we couldn't carry on living on top of each other like this long-term and that we need separate spaces for us to thrive as a blended family/not-very-blended family into the future.

Partly we struggle with being piled into one open-plan space Friday to Monday every other weekend, especially in the winter. It's just too noisy - it makes my head feel like it's going to explode. The TV, the computer games, the fighting, the singing, the shouting, etc. I know they're mostly just being kids and the house isn't really fit for purpose in this respect, but it still overwhelms DS and me (we're more introverted than DP's kids).

But what's tipped me over the edge lately is DP's ex. She's always been difficult (incidentally I'm not an OW) but seems to have stooped to new lows. She's telling the DSCs negative things about my son (she doesn't know him!) - that he's spoilt, a brat, gets whatever he wants, that the DSCs' behaviour was better before they moved in with my DS, etc. Then they're coming to us and telling me, DP and DS all this.

I feel so, so angry and hurt. DS has had to adjust hugely - actually too much, I feel - to the change in household dynamic as it is, plus he is developing very early, so has his own difficulties with hormonal and emotional ups and downs at the moment. The very last thing he needs is his confidence knocked like this. He has his moments of challenging behaviour like all kids, sure, but both DP and I believe he's a fundamentally lovely kid and that any deterioration DP's ex has seen in the DSCs' behaviour is wholly unrelated to my DS.

But anyway, when the DSCs come over, where before I felt a bit weary at the prospect of an overstimulating weekend, now I feel dread. When they're here, I feel violated, vulnerable - as though they're scrutinising us to see if Mum's right; ferrying bits of 'evidence' back to her to evaluate. I absolutely can't bear it; I come over all primal, all fight-or-flight, like I want to have it out with them/their mum (silly idea and of course I won't) or just run away - or even not let them come. (They're coming later today. )

It is my house. I don't feel relaxed in my own home. I don't think DS feels relaxed here anymore, which worries and saddens me.

The house is such that, with a reasonable amount invested in it (£100,000 say), we could make it into a bigger home which could be lived in as two separate homes while we're all here, together. We could raise this cash by DP coming onto my mortgage, which he is happy to do without any equity share. So this is a real and tempting option. We feel that if we were to actually live in fully separate houses across town, we'd never see each other, given how often we have our respective children with us. So if we are going to be together as a couple, we need to find a way to live together but keep our families separate at the same time, IYSWIM.

I love DP. I trust DP. He's a good man. The problem for me is that by him coming on to the mortgage, even without equity, I feel even more bound to his ex-wife. I feel that because I can't ever know what trick she'll try next (and she can be really very nasty), I need to remain sufficiently independent for DS and I to be able to be free of all of them if it became just too much. I know that sounds fatalistic, but just reading the threads on here evidences how incredibly challenging step-families can be, so I feel we need to be able to plan for life to carry on smoothly for DS and me if the worst happens. And of course if DP and I had invested in the house together, I wouldn't have the cash to reduce the mortgage borrowing sufficiently to get it back in my name only.

Have any of you combined/would you combine your finances with your DP/DH - the father of your DSCs - or have you chosen to remain independent? What are the pitfalls? Or are there any in reality and I'm just being irrational? If we don't combine our finances to raise the money to adapt the house, what can we do? I love my home and don't intend to move to accommodate the repercussions of DP's ex's behaviour.

We need our living situation to be different but I'm just not sure what to do. Really very grateful for any thoughts/ideas/advice/general survival tips you might have. Thanks so much.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

I should preface my comments by the fact that I am not a step parent so feel free to ignore anything I say !

The thing that jumps out at me is that your DS doesn't sound happy - what age is he btw? He has to be your priority and if the current living arrangements aren't working for him, then maybe you need to re think them.

How does your DP contribute to household expenses at the minute? It sounds like he has a really good deal - a place to live in, somewhere for his DCs to come to, without any real commitment on his side. Have you discussed the house renovations with him - what's his thoughts on it?

To be totally honest, if you need to revamp your house so it feels like two houses, then maybe two houses is what you need.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

Sorry I didn't read thoroughly -missed the bit where your DP said he would invest without an equity share. So he is willing to invest financially, but you are frightened of the financial commitment.

Another thing to consider is that if you do go ahead with renovations, they sound quite extensive and will be challenging to live through - so be aware of that when making any decisions.

[MomentForLife]

I have no idea about renovations etc but I think regardless of what their Mum says, you need to make it clear it is yours and your sons home and they are more than welcome IF they respect you.

It just sounds a nightmare to be honest, I'm all for accomadating step kids but sounds like you've got to change everything for them. How many bedrooms do you have? Can't they play computer games etc where they sleep? We all had to as kids, parents wouldn't let us take over the living room.

As for scrutinising you because of what their Mum says, I think that's so wrong. It sounds like they are just taking the piss out of you in your own home. Maybe their Dad needs to enforce some ground rules, not extend the house!

[Loveineveryspoonful]

Fallentrees, I'm a stepmum and can only tell you that I still regret "pooling" finances to have a home for all of us...
My ds and I (both rather sensitive creatures too) lived in my flat I owned, and although it would have been big enough to house dh and also his two dc eow easily, it was not deemed fit enough for his rather spoilt offspring. So we pooled resources to buy and do up a house for all of us, and although I've turned it into a lovely home, dsc treat it like a hotel, and it pains me. There are big cracks in our relationship and it pains me even more that should we split I'd not be able to keep this place by myself. Although I contributed the most so far I wouldn't really be able to pay off dh to leave.
What keeps me sane is that although dss has come to live with us 50:50, dsd is 16 and only visits sporadically anyway (somehow made out to be my fault that she prefers socializing to hanging out with dad) and is keen to have her own place as a student.
Sometimes one can have the best intentions, but when personalities clash, as they do in your and my household (dh and dsc, and their mum btw, are extremely "robust" people with little concern for those with more sensitive personalities) it can still all come out all wrong...
Could your dp find a place in really close proximity to you? I wish you luck

[MomentForLife]

I think that's really helpful insight from loveineveryspoonfull. I was just thinking maybe as a compromise have the loft or garage if you have one turned into a games room type room then at least it's useful to you in the future when kids are grown up.

[FallenTrees]

Thank you all for posting.

Just to clarify, theoriginalandbestrookie, I have an interest-only mortgage (with investments set up to repay it at term-end). DP pays half the interest payments (as if rent) and half of all bills. So yes, he's living here cheaply, but he is paying his way. By coming on the mortgage, because he has no equity in the property, I would retain the 'beneficial title'. Down the line, to regain the mortgage in my name only, I would need to pay off enough of the capital to be able to satisfy the lender's affordability criteria. I could possibly do this in five to ten years from savings/investments.

These technicalities aside, you're right, my son isn't settled, and that matters hugely to me and is the biggest driver for me wanting to create a happier living arrangement.

MomentForLife, DP's DCs are mostly respectful towards me. They like me, so that's good. They're not knowingly making me feel like this; they're young (all primary school age), and unwittingly bring their mum's influence into my home. The other day, the eldest said: "My mum thinks you should do XYZ with your DS; she doesn't think it's right that you do ABC," and, "Have you ever told your DS he can't play computer games? I've never seen you tell him no." FWIW, of course I tell him no. What I'm hearing here is their mum talking through them. They must go back home and drip-feed out-of-context tidbits on life here with us, and she swoops in, passes judgement, and that comes back with them the next time. I bloody hate it.

The DSCs, one of them in particular, have difficult relationships with their mum. They have at times complained about her, and she's caused them a lot of upset, but ultimately they love and are loyal to her. When I came in the front door after work the other day, the first thing one of the DSCs said to me was, "By the way, Mum's being nice to me at the moment, so we all need to be nice about her." WTF? While I won't be unkind about her in front of the DSCs, I'm not going to be nice about someone who's making my life so miserable! It just feels so warped; DP's ex has a spectre-like presence in our home without even bloody living here.

We have four bedrooms. DP's DCs share two of them. They have a TV in one room for watching movies/playing Wii, but generally at least two of them are playing computer games, having sword fights, getting play dough out, etc, in the kitchen/living/dining room. They're sociable and like to be where we are.

Loveineveryspoonful, I'm so sorry that pooling your finances with your DH hasn't worked out for you. I can really relate to being relatively quiet, sensitive types. DP is actually introverted too - but two out of his three DCs are loud like their mum! I'm sorry your living arrangement is putting such a strain on your relationship. Good for you (although sad for Dad) that there's been some relief in one of your DCs backing off with visits. Ours are all still at primary school, so any of them going off to live independently as students is a long way off! I'm not prepared to live like this until then.

They're nice enough kids. It's just they're their mum's kids, and that's never going to change. I want to feel liberated from the excessive baggage that is the ex-wife.

DP couldn't afford to buy somewhere suitable nearby in a million years - perhaps a two-bedroom flat a few miles away but, realistically, we'd never see each other.

MomentForLife, we've actually wondered about replacing the old garage with a triple garage/annex, which we could build slow-time ourselves, without much disruption, and I could possibly afford this without changing the current mortgage arrangement. The loft pitch is too shallow to add additional living space unfortunately.

Thank you all again for your thoughts. I really appreciate it.

[mistlethrush]

FallenTrees - I would see if you can have a conversation with someone that might be able to come up with a concept for your garage area or similar that would give you the space you need and get through planning - and then see how much that would cost etc.

[theoriginalandbestrookie]

I thought they were a lot older from the OP - that kind of makes it worse as I assumed they were teens that would be gone in a few years. Sorry if you have said but what age is your DS?

I think you have to be really honest with yourself. Would having more space really solve some of the fundamental issues that you have ? Yes it will improve it somewhat, but how much?

It's good that your DP is paying half of the interest only mortgage, but if he couldn't afford a property in the area, then he is getting a good deal by living with you.

I'm sorry I sound a bit gloomy about it all. If you can do up the garage without spending too much, then that might be a way to go. Perhaps a visit to a solicitor to check exactly what the implications are if DP puts money towards it.

[MomentForLife]

Sorry OP I thought they were much older and trouble making or something. Hmm, maybe at the week end you should have one day where you focus on your son, take him out or whatever, and dp do the same for his kids. Then one day where you all go out for a walk, park or something and burn off some energy. Not saying you can become the Brady Bunch.lol.

Re the garage, we did ours out for extra storage/study. We just insulated it, plastered the walls and put flooring down then paid to have plug sockets etc put in.

[purpleroses]

Could you improve things by moving more of the activities the DCS do to the bedrooms?
Your post has made me realise how lucky I am as DP and I haven't needed to pool finances in order to have a house that's big enough for us all to live in. We moved into his house, but it's a big house (though 6 DCs between us still mean DS and DSS sharing a room). Having quite a lot of space is a godsend with lots of DCs though. I love the way that the house is large enough to somehow absorb people. But we do encourage this by letting the DCs have computers in their rooms, and the boys in particular spend a lot of time in their rooms. The largest room is occupied by the youngest DC, the arrangement being that if they want to play games that involve toys all over the floor, they use her room (not downstairs). A lot of the time the DCs are in various bedrooms - not always their own - chatting, socialising, playing on computers. We also put lino down in the garage when we moved in, and it now serves as a games room with table tennis, which further helps getting noisy kids out of the house. A trampoline in the garden helps too and I send DCs out to jump around on it when they start bouncing off the walls inside. It leaves a lovely peaceful space downstairs at least some of the time which is really good when you're used to a much smaller household (Me and 2 DCs moved in 18 months back).

It is hard though to balance the needs of DSC to feel that it's still their home, with the need of me and my DCS to feel that it's ours too now. And if your DSC are with you nearly half the time, then they will need it to be their home too. Extending it could help them feel it's theirs, but your uncertainties about things suggest you probably ought to have some sort of backup plan for if you did this and then it all went wrong with DP. Building it in such as way as you could let it out might be a good idea. How self-contained are you thinking? Having a second bathroom and a second living room with a TV are both really useful for allowing everyone in a large family to have the space they need.