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Problem with DSS staying

(54 Posts)
reallyunsure1 Fri 29-Nov-13 10:40:31

NCd for this....

Will try not to drip feed. DP has a DS (6) and I have a DD (3). Due to space DSS has to sleep in my DDs room when he is here.

Last weekend, DD and DSS were upstairs playing. They were quiet so I asked DP to check on them as I was cooking. He went up and says they both had trousers and underwear off and DSS was "looking" at DD with a torch. He told them to stop, shouldn't be doing it and brought them both downstairs. He told me and I asked him what they had said, what he had said etc. He said it was just normal inquisitiveness and not to worry. I got upset and said its not normal, and if he thinks it is for his DS, it certainly isn't for my DD.

I think its relevant that DSS has 5 older half siblings ranging from 24 to 9, and has maybe been exposed to things my DD hasn't has an only child with no cousins etc.

I asked DP to talk to DSS about it and explain he shouldn't do it etc, and I gently spoke to DD about it. She has said more to me about it than DSS said to DP, probably because she doesn't know anything "wrong" has happened whereas he knows he has done wrong. She said he hurt her bottom and put things in it sad

DP seems to think we should pretend it didn't happen, not make a big deal and watch them more, but I tried to explain how upset I was about it, the implications it could have for me and her if she tells her dad, pre-school etc. He thinks they should still be able to sleep in the same room but I don't. I know DSS is only young but he should know what he did was wrong. I just want to keep my DD safe as she had no idea they shouldn't be doing what they were, and I am reluctant to tell her all the things she shouldn't be doing due to her age. DSS is due here tomorrow, and I really don't know what to do. There genuinely isn't anywhere else for him to sleep, otherwise I would feel ok about that, and watching them and not allowing him in her room, but it just isn't possible. Does anyone please have any advice or ideas?

Russianfudge Sat 29-Mar-14 07:00:51

Yes it does need further discussion and dealing with until you are comfortable because at this rate, you won't be able to leave your DH in charge of the children and know that your wishes to keep them desperate will be honoured.

I think both children are in need of support here. Don't minimise what has happened, tell your DH if it's all innocent then what's the harm in speaking to NSPCC as they are the professionals and therefore will say as much.

With the ages of dsss siblings there will be heaps of friends coming through his house and any one of them could have abused him, sadly even his siblings or mum's boyfriend. The fact mum isn't that bothered either means she is certain nothing has happened to him or she's covering up. Do you know and trust her enough to believe it's the former?

sandgrown Sat 29-Mar-14 23:40:19

Really don't like the insinuation on this thread that because a child has older siblings they may see inappropriate things and reflect this in their behaviour. My children are more protective of their young brother than I am. I suggest OP monitors DSS behaviour and reads some good child development psychology books that explain sexual curiosity. I understand her concern but some of the suggestions on this thread would result in a devastating effect on DSS relationship with his dad and sister and could mean his mother stops contact. Take advice from NSPCC before taking any drastic action please.

brdgrl Sun 30-Mar-14 02:10:38

Oh, OP, how upsetting.
Do take advice from NSPCC.
This is potentially a very serious situation, beyond conversations and reading of books.

And both children need protection here. In the case of your DD, that protection means making absolutely sure that she is not alone with DSS until such time as you can feel that she is safe.

Remember - Whatever DSS's reasons for doing this, he has done it. It is up to his parents, and you can be supportive in this, to find out what it means for him and where to take that next. Your own first concern has to be for your DD.

Where the resident, more vulnerable by age, child in a home has been hurt and there is a prospect of on-going harm, it is appropriate for the safety of her home environment to be the priority. If this means that DH and DSS do end up having to have contact away from the home, whether for a short time or longer, that is unfortunate but necessary.

alita7 Mon 31-Mar-14 23:35:59

You are certainly not over reacting you need to protect both of the children.

He may be being abused or have seen inappropriate films etc, so if the mother won't look into it you need to chat to him and see if he'll tell you where he got the idea to do that- looking could be seen as normalish, putting things in is not!
I'm not sure what to advise you to do if you think he is being abused though.

Your daughter is clearly impacted by this if she has mentioned it since and so it must not happen again, it could have all sorts of affects on her future. Have her sleep in with you while he is there, your dp can go sleep on the sofa if he has an issue, if it comes to it show him you mean it by taking her to your mums or a friends for a night.

You might not have control over whether your dp dss play upstairs but you can keep your daughter downstairs where you can see her, he cannot stop you doing that.

If he can't understand the gravity of the situation then you must ignore what he says and do what you can to protect her.

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