Can't cope with DPs daughter

[heidiwine]

I'm at the end of my rope and hope someone can help.

Background: been with DP for 7 years, known his girls 13 and 10 for 4 years, lived with their dad for 3 years, no joint children (yet). DPs marriage broke down because his ex 'no longer loved him' she then met someone else and asked for a divorce. DP and I started dating before they were divorced. After their house was sold the girls and their mum moved in with the someone else who was (sensibly IMO) positioned as mummy's friend. After 6 months they split up and moved out. Since then the girls have got to know 5 of their mums boyfriends. DP and I continued to see each other but waited 2.5 years before I met his girls.

Situation: DPs ex recently told his eldest that DP and I had an affair and that caused their marriage to end. I have not spoken to DSD about this as it has never been brought up to me. DP has tried to explain things without being unkind about her mum. I think this might be the root of the current issues which are:

• DSD is constantly unkind/rude to me. She judges everything I do from how I dress to how I drive to the career choices I have made
• DSD is constantly seeking reassurance that she is better than me e.g. Daddy who's the best cook me or Heidi? who's the fastest swimmer?
• DSD is seems unable to show enthusiasm/excitement for anything much. It feels like nothing is good enough - holiday, what we do at the weekend, the property were thinking of moving to (which we have chosen with her needs and her sisters at the heart)
• if I go out with friends she wants to come; if I'm not in when she's here she gets angry and tells me I should make more an effort with her and her sister
• every decision DP and I make is questioned and criticised from how much we spend on a holiday (which makes us 'tight') to where we decide to take my mum for dinner when she comes down (which is also 'mean')
• I feel like the power in our home has shifted... We are afraid of doing/saying certain things because of DSDs reaction e.g. We are taking a short break over NYE (the only one we have had as a couple alone this year and we haven't told DSD because she will be jealous and feel excluded; we let certain behaviour go because picking it up is seen as a criticism and results in anger, tears and an atmosphere that will stick until DSD is in charge again.

I have only twice said anything and I will never do it again - the first time resulted in DSD screaming at me (literally) and was left with her believing that I was wrong to suggest she had been rude and that me suggesting it was in fact me being rude. The second time (this weekend) she called her mum and loudly spoke about me and DP and our inadequacies.

At the heart of it I can see this is a troubled girl. I'm trying to separate normal teen behaviour from behaviour that we need to help her with and I desperately need some practical help from others who understand the step parenting and parenting tightrope. How can DP and I reassure her she is loved while also drawing the line when she is unkind?

[heidiwine]

Sorry it's so long and thank you for reading!

[flowerpotgirl12]

Hiya, I think your dp needs to sit down and explain that the marriage ending was nothing to do with you and it was between himself and her dm and tell her in no uncertain terms that you/he will not tolerate this behaviour in your home.

No teenager should rule the home and be rude, if she doesn't like the holidays tell her she can't come until she's polite, show consequences and follow through. No point in giving up half way through or that will be more confusing.

Does your dp have any one on one time with the children? Maybe even if it's a walk around the park or a coffee in the café it may help.

Good luck it can be hard.

[Kaluki]

Why is your DP letting this happen?
He should tell her straight that her Mum ended their marriage before he met you.
When she is rude he should be the one telling her off and disciplining her.
One way I got my DP to change his ways was to ask what he would think of an adult who spoke to him like his dc did and if he wanted his dc to grow up to be nasty unlikeable adults with no friends. That made him think.

[heidiwine]

Thank you...
To answer the questions:
DP does have one on one time with the children as right now I try to make sure that I have time away when they are here.
DP is letting it happen but he's firmer than it seems - he has made it clear that DSD's mum ended the marriage but that's difficult too as it's making her question which of her parents is not telling the truth (I think she knows that it's her mum but that's very hard for her to deal with). He does tell her off although he tries to reason with her a bit more than I think she should - because he want's her to realise how she comes across without simply laying down the law - in my view that leads to a bit too much negotiation and renegotiation and takes DSD off the main issue into complaining about something that's bothering her (not confronting her own behaviour which is the issue).

Kaluki - how often do you have your step children? We are EOW and one mid week night. We both feel that we actually have very little influence as both girls are very close to their mum

I just don't know how much of this is normal teenage behaviour and how much of it is more than that... Am in a seriously bad place and simply don't want to be around when they're here.

[fackinell]

If she has been fine before then I would guess it boundary testing and normal teenage behaviour. When she complains to you can you try saying 'I'd like to include you in things but you're not being very nice to me at the moment.' Then ignore the ensuing rage and rants, any attention, even negative will reinforce her behaviour.

I am with a man who has a DD 16 who we see twice a week. I have had to completely disengage a couple of times due to her behaviour. I am not OW either and her mother chose to leave also. I'd tell your partner in no uncertain terms that you will not tolerate her attitude towards you and that until she can be pleasant, you will make your own arrangements on these days. This puts the onus back on him. Yes, you're a team but she's his child to parent (I mean that in a nice way, it's not your pigeon! )

At the end of the day they still want to be liked, she will come round with boundaries. My DSD did, she made much more of an effort. I had just lost out baby and felt very vulnerable. We have no DC together. I take no shit and make no excuses for bad behaviour and we now get on great. She seeks out my company and is very conversational now.

[Stepmooster]

We too had DSS telling us that I was the cause of his parents breakdown. He was only 7 and maybe doesn't remember properly or maybe his mum wanted to deflect the guilt of having an affair and breaking up the marriage and not wanting to andwer dss questions but DH has a couple of times had to correct DSS ssumptions. Dh has asked DSS to try and remember from that time and whether his own memories actually fit with what he is saying. I.e his step dad has been his life a lot longer than I have.

I think dh once showed DSS a copy of some of the divorce correspondence where his mum acknowledged the affair. It was the only thing that would satisfy him in the end.

Is it a phase stepkids go through? I guess when children have confused memories and they want answers as to why their parents are no longer together they can come up with their own conclusions. I don't think the truth should be hidden as long as its not done in a nasty way.

[paperlantern]

can I add that if you tell her the reasons for the split you MUST be prepared to show her the divorce papers and answer together any questions. essentially you are asking your dsd to believe you over her mum. and why should she without evidence? it may be necessary but it won't be easy for her. so be careful to do it in a way to that doesn't make her feel she's picking sides.

an alternative approach is to have a talk about how her attitude is not ok, without bringing her mum into it at all