Stuck between not wanting to drip feed and writing a novel so bear with me please.
Been with dp seven yrs, he has two kids from a previous relationship, dss and dsd used to live with him and his sister, now are back with mum.
These seven years have not been easy as anyone who knows my former username will know, but I count us as pretty sorted now, except for the issue here and a couple of other niggles.
I have ds1, dd1 from previous relationships, and ds2 and dd2 who are with my partner. Dd is rarely here as she's an older teen, either at college or her boyfriends, she didn't come to live with me until she was 16 after being in foster care for 11 years. DS is also a teen, at college, and is so laid back he's almost horizontal.
My problem is that 'd'p hear after referred to as p because I'm so pissed off at the moment, seems to find it very easy to say things to DS, such snide comments as 'if you leave your bag/guitar/ shoes there again, I'll throw them outside.. To which I obviously state out of earshot of DS that if he does, I'll toss HIS stuff outside. DS is so bloody placid he just says 'no problem, I'll move them,' then a few days later they're back in the same place. Annoying but nothing life ending.
So to the step kids, I have basically supported them for the entire seven yrs, if they needed shoes ect, I'd usually buy them out of my own money, I've cared for them when p has gone for weekends away and holidays abroad ect. Before dss recently got diagnosed with ADHD if he gave his mum hassle, she would text me to go and collect him, (heavily pregnant) because she won't speak to p at all. Recently I had them both for four weeks during the summer holidays to give her a break, no extra money and p being jobless made that extremely hard but we managed. I used money I had been saving for clothes and a buggy for dd2 to buy their food, clothes and shoes as they turned up practically in rags with no undies and holes in their shoes. Dss spent the entire time winding up dsd and ds2, passive aggressive type of shit, ds2 was too young to be affected but dsd had a really hard time and ended up in tears a lot. P accused her of being a drama queen, so when she went back to her mums she decided never to visit again, and hasn't now for some time. Dss still comes and when he thinks no one is watching he is horrid to ds2 who is only four, so comes to me bawling and hooting sobbing and expects me to sort it out. P won't do it because he's afraid if he disciplines dss he will refuse to come again, too.
In the meantime I have had dd2 who has suffered really badly from acid reflux leading to 7 weeks of trotting up and down from the doctors until we finally got ranitidine (yay) so I was spending the whole time exhausted and irritable.
So, last weekend dss was trying to pull his usual bullshit with DS, this time I refused and clearly stated (he's 12) that no, he couldn't play unattended with DS, to save any arguments or upset. P looked at me like I was some sort of ogre.. I said they can play downstairs, but all of a sudden dss wasn't interested in playing with DS any more.. (Hmm) .. He was asked to have a shower, brush his teeth and clean his ears, I went to bed at this point, ... Came down the following morning to shampoo and body wash bottles left open and lying down on the windowsill, contents all over the place, the toothpaste was smeared round the sink, and there were 20 dirty cotton buds on top of the bin. Yes. 20. So I've said to p, you will have to have a word about this, and about dss leaving his bag and shoes at the bottom of the stairs. He refused. Argument ensued and escalated into yelling 
So, this weekend I have basically refused to be taken for a twat any more and said no to dss visiting until he and p buck up their ideas. There is so so much more but I'd be here all night, I promise I'm not being petty and silly over this just one incident.. Basically p has said he will stay in a hotel with dss next weekend to which I have said I'm not in the slightest bit bothered, and I'm not. The way I feel atm he can sod off and never come back as fair as I'm concerned.. Causing an argument rather than parenting his own child, pisses me off.. He obv expected me to do it and look the monster who always moans so he gets off the hook..
So my question is, am I wrong? Am I being an arse, or not? Cheers. And thanks if you've got this far, lol
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Am I being an arse?
ThingsThatGoBumpInTheNight · 17/11/2013 00:31
Thank god someone like you answered. Feeling guilty about the hotel thing although I didn't say never visit here again I said not here until p opens his eyes and parents his child. I can't keep doing it, I'm frazzled from lack of sleep atm and have four yo plus my teens to take care of, feeling like I'm just about managing as it is.
Doesn't help that his behaviour seems to worsen when they're here, which leads me to mentally equate them visiting with him being an absolute bell end.. Sad but true, I know that's unfair as he's the adult, they are 12 and 10 respectively. Dss can be an adorable charming caring boy when his dad isn't there which I find frustrating with the change when he's round his dad. Wondering if I'm doing the wrong thing exposing my kids to him now
Lol thanks 
not spoken about it today but got breakfast in bed out of it so it's gone to creeping stage 
DSS for Pete's sake lol - damn I need a lie down 
He really can't take any responsibility can he?
He is deliberately misunderstanding what you are asking of him because he doesn't want to do it.
He needs to grow up 
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