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whole family now involved

(56 Posts)
flowerpotgirl12 Sat 16-Nov-13 23:30:38

so frustrated! collecting my dsc this coming fri and due to pregnancy have said last round trip I am willing to do. given plenty of warning for it to be sorted. so my dp and his exw have been texting and he has basically said that he will be collecting them by train or no contact. eventually after much dramatics she has agreed (a miracle) so all sorted or so we thought.

We've had dsd on the phone stating she won't come to visit if she has to go by train! dp explained why and said only way. she is refusing dp been firm with her and said it's happening. However the exw and now dp sister have gotten involved again. his sister is constantly texting phoning me saying I am unreasonable and selfish and damaging their relationship etc. said to her she is welcome to do the trip but she said not her responsibility! so now his family are ignoring me and I have been cast as a bitch. dp is getting constant hassle from dsd, ,exw and his family.

he is sticking to tjr train and has backed me up but just wanted a rant as furious beyond belief with hid sister. I expected his ex to kick off but she surprised me. sigh!

eslteacher Sun 17-Nov-13 00:01:31

The sister sounds unbelievable! If I remember this trip is 2 hours each way?!

Have you pointed out to her that if you weren't on the scene, there would be no option but the train anyway since your DP can't drive? Actually I assume she is the kind of person there is just no reasoning with. You'll have to just ignore her and/or broken record her with some such line as 'there's no other option but the train as your brother can't drive and I am no longer in a position to spend 8 hours driving every other weekend"

How old is the train-refusing DSD, out of interest?

Jesus, good luck with this lot, they sound awful. Thank god your DP is backing you up.

NicknameIncomplete Sun 17-Nov-13 00:04:22

They are his kids so surely he should be doing the collecting/dropping off and not you.

Id tell the sister to butt out or repeat that she can go & collect them herself.

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:14:39

yup it's 2 hours each way. she is 12 but acts a lot older. she is generally sweet but can be a handful. my dp can't drive so have been doing the run as a favour but with the pregnancy it was getting to much hence the train.

the sis had a problem with me at the beginning as before I was around she was in total control of dp and the kids contact etc. the exw and dp went through the sis for all contact so she was involved totally. when meand dp got toetogether said how ridiculous it was exw and hin didn't communicate and it wasn't good for dsc so they do now but think it put sis nose out of joint as she stopped being in control. we got over that but she seems to have decided to use this as an excuse to beat me with. her loyalty has always been to the exw, she informed her about my pregnancy when she was specifically asked not too. they chat a lot.

just sick of the drama. I have done my best to help out, we have the kids eow or 3rd some times. we take them on hols, when down I take them out and have one on one time, vook clean and do washing etc. and none of that is taken into account by sis. just seriously pissed off.

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:16:16

sorry about typos on phone

eslteacher Sun 17-Nov-13 00:22:03

So before you came along, how did the kids get to their dad's? Was she driving them? Or did they still live locally at the time?

Obviously the sister has her nose out of joint now that her power/control over the situation has been taken away. But any reasonable adult would find a modicum of maturity and respect and get the hell over it.

Sounds like you really need to detatch from communications with this sister. Just ignore texts and emails, and pass any calls straight on to your DP. How often do you actually see her - does she come over a lot? Can you be busy doing other things when she is there, and fake serenity if she starts going on at you or making digs, just smile and calmly broken record her...?

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:33:12

the sis use to do the drive occasionally, my dps dad (who is no longer with us) the exw (for money) and the train. we see her quite a lot as she's local and dp is close to her but even he is showing frustration with her, which is very unlike him as usually he won't have a bad word said against her, even after the pregnancy revelation as I was really pissed off about that.

There is only so much I can ignore with her as she just goes on and I end up getting annoyed and replying to her. I may try and avoid her altogether until things calm down. hoping that once the first train run is done it'll calm down and dsd will dtop resisting.

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 00:34:43

Thanks riverboat think you're right about the broken recording her and just try not to rise to it. think once I calm down will be easier.

ZombieMojaveWonderer Sun 17-Nov-13 07:23:51

Stick to your guns and ignore his family for a start. Your partners daughter will come around when no other option is presented. I would say that you've been to the doctor with stress and they have said you are to take it easy and no long distance travelling and that should shut them all up!
Lots of children travel by train everyday and if it wasn't for you being so kind she would already be doing it. Oh yeah and tell his sister to stick her offer up her butt! wink
Good luck though because you are going to need it.

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-13 07:29:03

Broken record technique. "If flowerpot wasn't with me it would have to be by train anyway"

I suspect your dsd is flexing her teenagery muscle a bit and using leverage she has heard her mum say in the past and her mum has possibly bitched a bit about the change tbh.

Besides this way they are actually getting their dad to themselves for a bit which will be even more important once the baby arrives wink

theredhen Sun 17-Nov-13 08:36:26

I'm angry on your behalf with the sister!

She should put her money where her mouth is, if she's that bothered.

RandomMess Sun 17-Nov-13 09:22:49

Very good point theredhen grin

eslteacher Sun 17-Nov-13 10:19:20

I guess the sister is justifying it as 'flowerpot came in and took over and is now refusing to follow through'. Except it's a ridiculous, simplistic, untrue way of thinking. She's more bothered about her own pride and schoolyard alliances (eg with ex) than the good of the children, it seems.

Petal02 Sun 17-Nov-13 10:32:01

This is just dreadful, if the whole family are up in arms about it, then perhaps the whole family should pitch in and help out .......

DiamondsAndDust Sun 17-Nov-13 11:22:46

I'd be inclined to tell the sister that if she feels the need to poke her nose in and have a say then maybe she could contribute to the drive if she thinks the relationship is going to be damaged. If she can't step up to the plate and help out then she should put up and shut up, so to speak. But I understand that it could sour things between you if you did say it.

Maybe you could ask your partner to mention something along those lines. If his sis is that worried maybe an offer of help would be ideal until things settle down when you've had your baby and are settled in to a routine.

Petal02 Sun 17-Nov-13 11:45:39

But even once the baby has arrived, and the baby/OP have settled into a routine, I'm hoping the OP won't restart doing all the driving? If I've understood this correctly, the OP needs a permanent solution, not a temporary one?

DiamondsAndDust Sun 17-Nov-13 11:56:12

Yes, Petal, sorry I should have been more clear. Once everything had settled hopefully they would have sorted something out themselves without asking the sister for help.

Why can't you do alternate driving. Mum get them to you one week and you pick up the next. What about a half way point?

It seems, OP, this is all on your shoulders and that is totally unfair. I see no issue with a train pick-up if your DP is actually going on the train to pick them up.

basgetti Sun 17-Nov-13 12:04:36

Why are these adults pandering to your DSD's demands that she doesn't go on the train? My DS used to travel by train to see his Dad and if he had refused he would have been quickly set straight by both of us.

Instead of SIL and their Mum recognising that it is not your responsibility and being grateful for the help you have provided so far, the more you help the more they seem to expect and demand. Since whatever you do you will be criticised anyway, I think you should just step back and not engage any further. Your DP needs to tell them that due to pending arrival and needing to get baby into a routine, lack of sleep, breastfeeding etc you will no longer be able to do the travelling, but he is willing to do journey by train. Then just concentrate on your baby and enjoy spending time with your DSCs when you see them. It is really not your problem.

catsmother Sun 17-Nov-13 12:36:06

This whole bloody thing is nonsensical - makes me really angry to think of you doing that long drive when heavily pregnant. Even if you're lucky enough not to be suffering from backache, hip-ache, tiredness, or any other symptom commonly associated with late pregnancy, I'd feel wary about being 2 hours away from home - and with a car full of kids to boot - just in case I went into early labour.

The fact you've put all those concerns aside and have continued to do this massive favour should be commended, not criticised, and that SIL should f* off. I would love you to tell her in no uncertain terms how this is absolutely none of her business but appreciate that may not help family relations, so in the meantime, perhaps you should block her on your phone/email so you don't get to see her drivel directly. DP should be protecting you from anything that comes via him - and he should be telling her to butt out. Right now, you should be winding down, relaxing when you can in anticipation of the baby arriving - not worrying about all this crap.

The ONLY option is the train. If SD doesn't want to lower herself to travel on public transport then so be it. She probably has picked up on her mother and aunt's views, but is being ridiculous and should be ignored as much as possible. In other words, DP should reiterate this is the only way contact will happen - and reinforce the benefits of train travel, but I hope he's not tempted to bribe her to get on the train (start of slippery slope). He may have to resign himself to a few weeks of no contact - but chances are she'll back down when she sees DP means business, and no, her stropping isn't a way to take advantage of the situation. It's such a stupid objection ...... on a train she'd be spending more time with her dad (as Random points out), it's arguably more comfortable, you can sit face to face and talk properly without the driver having to concentrate on the road, there's a loo (!), it'd be her dad and not you collecting her etc etc.

Okay, DP can't drag her onto a train, but if his ex was also insisting she had to go (or else there'd be consequences) then there probably wouldn't be a problem. Ex is probably chancing her arm one last time, though what difference it makes to her whether the kids go in the car or on the train I don't know. Can only speak from personal experience of DP's ex raising pointless and shit-stirring objections and conclude that her attitude is based on spite - quite possibly there may be some jealousy about her ex having another child, and this whole "must be driven" business is one way of making things uncomfortable and awkward for the OP. Whatever - you are NOT to drive again, and the train is the only way. As I think I said before, if things escalate and SD refuses the train long term, then your DP should apply for a contact order with the aim of the ex co-operating to ensure SD sees her dad - can't think any judge would think it unreasonable for a 12 year old child to travel by train when there's no alternative and dad can't drive (for good reason).

(My DP used to get - in relation to contact - "I can't force them to get in your car" .... when there was no good reason for them not to, yet wouldn't attempt to persuade them in any way shape or form - be it reminding them that they'd have a good time at dad's (heaven forbid) or threatening them with a consequence if they didn't. She just used to go along with whatever the children "wanted". I always used to compare this attitude to what she'd have done had they announced they weren't going to school, or to the dentist, and am convinced that she, along with most parents, would have adopted either the positive reinforcement or the consequential approach - or a mixture of both. There's no way she'd have just stood there and gone "oh, okay then, mummy won't force you". Clearly, women like her don't value the father-child relationship and/or are so hell bent on upsetting their ex that they don't see the harm that's being done to their kids (by giving them inappropriate levels of power and by preventing the father-child relationship). Hopefully, your DP's ex is one of those who values her free time - she might become more persuasive/insistent with SD when she realises her social life's affected if the train isn't used!)

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 14:03:10

dp has told dsd that it's the train or nothing and explained why I think that the exw attitude to it all is not helping but I've said once next weekend is done not doing it so really no choice.

diamonds a while ago when this was all raised we suggested meeting half way or her driving one way us thr other but all was met with a no. originally thr train was too late on a Friday night but she's I think realised if she wants her weekend off she'd have ti relent.

the sis is thr one I'm pissed off at, I expected a reaction frim ex but not her. She's been on again this morning saying how upset exw and dsd are at it all and how I've put pressure on relationship etc. I must admit I lost it a bit with her and said why and if she was so frigging worried she could do it herself. her reply was pregnancy is not an illness! I told her fuck off. dp then stepped in and hadca go at her and we left. now the sister dp is involved saying how devastated she is by me etc. dp has said we'll speak tomorrow and sort it out.

honestly I don't want to sort it out, sick of her and her shit stirring and telling tales to the exw behind my back.

catsmother Sun 17-Nov-13 14:20:43

It sounds from your latest update that at least DP is starting to see what his sister's like. Long may that continue. I agree that really there's nothing to sort out - some people might think you were out of order to tell her to fuck off and yes, maybe if this was the 1st time she'd ever stuck her nose in then perhaps you would have been, but she has a history of this and it sounds to me like she enjoys goading you and making you feel bad over something which, many people would think you had already gone over and above the call of duty for. What's worse is that there's a perfectly acceptable - and in some ways, preferable, alternative on offer anyway ..... it's not as if you're suggesting no contact, or that the stepkids must now hitch hike to yours instead !

If DP's now on board, I really think he should take charge of his sister to avoid you having to be involved with her any more at this point. It's simply not fair you should be exposed to any more stress and it really does sound as if whatever you said or did it'd be wrong. He needs to tell his sister (yet again by the sounds of it) that you have done a really generous and considerate thing for a very long time but simply won't be able to any more. That's not negotiable. From now on, contact will be facilitated by train - which is perfectly reasonable and comfortable. There is no reason for anyone (except those looking to create a mountain out of a molehill) to be "upset" by this new arrangement - it's perfectly civilised and safe. That he does not appreciate her continual meddling in things which don't affect her - her attitude can only contribute to making things more difficult with ex and SD, and whilst he cannot physically stop her shit-stirring, she needs to know that she is jeopardising not only his relationship with his daughter, but also her relationship with her brother (and potentially, new baby) as he won't be prepared to have anything more to do with her if she doesn't leave well alone ...

..... I don't know if he'd be brave enough to say the last bit but he bloody well should be!

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 14:37:40

yer, to be fair my dp has been really good. think he realised how much it was beginning to get to me plus working a full day then doing the drive. I think he's been surprised by his sisters reaction. I've said that he can deal with her from now on until she acknowledges she's been unreasonable. he's agreed he's basically said that she'll see sense in a couple of days and it'll all go back to normal but said I don't want it back to normal she needs to be more respectful of the fact I'm his partner and having his child as well as helping with his dsc. and that I am sick of the reporting to the exw about every detail of our lives. he's stuck between a rock and a hard place.

eslteacher Sun 17-Nov-13 15:03:47

Out of interest, does the sister have kids? Does she have any experience of what it's actually like being pregnant AND working full time AND being a stepmum?

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 15:11:37

yes she has 2 although didn't work back then. She's never been a sm.

flowerpotgirl12 Sun 17-Nov-13 15:21:53

she is very much of the opinion that whatever exw wants sge should get as she is the mother of dsc, no matter how unreasonable the request. what really annoys me is if that is her attitude then why does the health of me and my baby rate lower than exw.

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