Feel really fed up and depressed.(26 Posts)
I know you are tired and were looking forward to your plans but she is his daughter. I can't imagine not seeing my children every day. If dh and I separated and I had to be apart from them I would grab every opportunity I could to be with them. I could never be with anyone who couldn't respect that.
Lunar I disagree with you completely. The OH should actually take his partner's feelings into account and he knew this time was set aside for them.
I think the OP needs a word with her partner and if it's a row, it's a row, he needs to know how she feels otherwise he will keep dismissing her feelings in favour of DSD. The fact she is pregnant means that she needs even more support at this time, and frankly I think he is being inconsiderate.
As a couple, you're entitled to time together. He should prioritise that sometimes and remember that dsd is not yours and as such you do need a break.
I think it's such a tough one. It sounds like there is a fundamental disagreement between you regarding whether couple time without DSD should ever be prioritised over your DP seeing his DSD as much as possible.
It's just not comparable to a traditional family set up, because firstly the step element puts additional pressures and problems on spending time together as a blended family, and secondly because most couples have years of unburdened child free couple time before they have children together. Step parents never have that.
To be fair to your DP, he did ask you first in this situation. I think you should have outright said no if you felt this exasperated about what seems to be an ongoing problem. Makes you feel awful, but you are a person too. It would be different if it was an emergency and DSD had nowhere to go, or if you didn't already have plans or had just had loads of couple time.
I think compromise has to be the answer here, but you'll have to be prepared compromise more often than him.
I feel for you and have walked in your shoes. But unfortunately, he hasn't seen her just as much as he hasn't seen you, and probably wouldn't have seen her for a while longer had he not grabbed this time. My dh works very hard, and although during the week we don't get quality time together, it's still time, time he doesn't get with his kids. It's tough being pregnant on top of it all but try to remember, you will have another weekend.
She is already part of the family and you have one on the way....
This is how it's going to be - a blended family.
Yes, you are going to "come last", sorry....
I agree with the other posters that it is his daughter and it is to be expected that he wants to see her whenever he can. but like you said, you are pregnant and are going to be emotional about certain things.
I am assuming this is your first DC? when you have your baby you will understand how he wants to grab every opportunity with his DD. I am speaking from experience as I have a DSD and a 6 month old DS, and I have been and still am in your shoes sometimes.
its very hard as step parents as we don't have the love and bond the parent does with their child (obviously there are exceptions).
don't worry, I'm sure after a and a you will feel better about it all, and look forward to the next child free time you have before your own DC come along!
its just not comparable to a traditional family set up
Very good point, and that's why I sympathise with the OP. she should NOT come last. More of a 'first amongst equals' would be more appropriate.
I've been there - my DC go to their dad every other weekend but my DP has his DS every Saturday day/night, so the only real time we get alone is the odd Friday night. It's very frustrating when his ex asks him to have DS on one of the Fridays as she has plans and will just dump him on her mother - of course he always says yes and puts his son first. Unfortunately that is just the way it is with kids, they will always come first.
Do you stick around with them all weekend when DSD is round? If it is my "weekend off" from the kids, I always take a bit of me time, go shopping or see friends on my own. In fact my friends now plan get togethers around my schedule so DP hardly ever sees them as he is with his son, but that is just the way it works.
I totally understand your frustration. Why did he bother asking your opinion if he was going to have DSD anyway?
We have the opposite situation though, my ex has been away for a few weeks and has taken to putting his social life before his kids and so we haven't had a child free weekend for about a month. It can't be helped sometimes - that's the joys of having kids I guess.
But he should make more allowances for the fact you are pregnant and tired and give you a break. You didn't have to get up in the night with her did you?
Yes, you are going to "come last", sorry.... I disagree Ananda. If I felt that I wasn't 'equal' to my DH's DC's then I wouldn't have married him. My wants and needs should be of no less importance than theirs.
OP I can understand how disappointed you are when you had made plans. Hopefully you can rearrange?
I'm sure your DP is bothered. He just didn't think it through unfortunately. Could you rearrange one of the weekends you are supposed to have SD and make plans for then? Since you had her this weekend when you weren't supposed to. I realise that might not be an option though.
I don't think it's OK for any member of a family to 'come last'. That's almost the definition of dysfunctional.
The trouble is, OP, that you're up a gum tree. The only person who can change things is DP.
Given you're so close to having the baby, and the fact that you can't rely upon the contact schedule - or should that be can't rely on DP, would it be possible for both you and him to take a couple of days off midweek and do something special together then ? You might even be able to go away really cheaply if you felt up to it what with it being midweek and November .... am thinking nice small hotel, country pub ?
I can see it from both sides but seeing as you are very pregnant and couple time is about to come to an end I think your husband was out of order to railroad you into having his daughter for the weekend.
I think it's difficult. If my ex were away and my 3xDDS were going to their nan, but they could come to me instead, I would want them with me. They are my children and my responsibility, but I know their nan would be looking after them begrudgingly. Plus, my DP has 3x children who are with us full time, so we struggle to get time together on our own and my 3 wouldn't change that... but I miss them so much when they are not with us.
I can see both sides... this is your last few opportunities to have time together on your own... but they are his children and part of the package. I would be hurt if my DP did not want my girls around....
..tough situation, but I think you probably should have been honest from the start. We men are apparently not very good at picking up on hints. Sounds like you should probably talk it through....
In a "together" family this wouldn't happen. You would decide together to have time without kids and organise childcare etc and make it happen.
Both parents would merrily enjoy their time "off" and probably get lots of supportive comments. Kids would be missed by the parents but after all both parents would know that having time away helps recharge batteries and make for better parenting.
So why is it different in a step situation?
You have my total sympathy, OP.
I literally live these what ifs!
Dsc are 13 and 16 and should be relatively carefree at this stage, but I still feel traumatized from past dh abuse at constantly putting me at bottom of the proverbial pile and there is hardly any holiday time i can look forward to now without dreading changes to plans, having them "sooner than expected" etc.
May I just add that my ds has a stepmum I like and RESPECT, this means she gets asked first if she can have ds sooner/ later than usual etc.
If a time doesn't suit her I would never in my life get exh to manipulate her in any way. Its unthinkable. Not only would it ruin our friendship, I'd be afraid she'd feel
justifiably resentful of ds.
I won't be able to have a baby with DP but I bet if I went into labour on a contact weekend I'd be doing it alone
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